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Hijacker's Heaven ~ Humor from the Onion!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.


"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."

Highjackers

Diesel

88888888

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE PAYBACK
    >
    > Twas the night before payback and all through the land,
    > They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan;
    > Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
    > He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
    >
    > He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
    > But all that he's done is just make us madder;
    > We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
    > And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy boot.
    >
    > And yes we remember the USS Cole,
    > And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole;
    > You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
    > You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
    >
    > And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
    > And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bomb;
    > You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
    > They'll go down in history as the place where you died.
    >
    > Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
    > He came very close, to his final breath;
    > So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
    > Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.
    >
    > They are our fathers and they are our sons,
    > And they sure do carry some mighty big guns;
    > They would have stayed home with children and wives,
    > Till you bastards came here and took all these lives.
    >
    > Osama I wrote this especially for you,
    > For air mail delivery by B-52;
    > You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
    > Old Glory is coming, attached to a missle.
    >
    > I will not be sorry to see your butt go...
    > It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this show

    Diesel

    88888888
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