If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
right
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
fuck it.
i just wanted to express my cockness for about the third time oin the past week.
Im in denial i do think... and when im not in that im really depressing myself out about this whole fucking abortion shit. After my failure at that fucking audition today im really regretting what ive done. I know that financially we just couldnt afford to keep the baby, but my other half's about to start a new career and if he gets in it looks really promising, not for the first few months, but after 6 months or so he should be earning quite a bit more than what he is now (i just hope he enjoys it).
and me..,. well fame isnt whisking me away right now is it and i feel like complete shit. I didnt lose much blood after the surgery at all, and it stopped completely when i got myself home, but after the weekend i've started bleeding again, and im getting a lot of headaches and cramp, especially in my lower back. And my arm and my hand keeps hurtin cuz if the anesthetic, but thats starting to calm down now. I've got an extention on a big piece of work at college, which is good, but i have 3 performances this week, at keast 3 next week, one the week after and its just fucking shit, im so stressed out and i think if i carry on the way im going im going to drinking myself to death and now i just want a fag.
Im seriously questioning whether i've done the right thing or not.
And when i got back to college after the op, yesterday was my first day back, i went for breakfast with my mate, and she was like 'we didnt really wanna say anything (she's had one too) cuz we know yuou wanted it, and we dont really know how you're gonna be feeling' which is fair enough and really kind of them, but i just feel like i want a massive hug and a huge big cry but no one to do it with. I dont wanna keep bringing it up with my other half, i think he's dealing with it in his own way and i dont want to upset him anymore than has already been done.
I just feel so shit and wanted to share that with you. Fuck the world. And fuck me for being so stupid and making 2 huge mistakes and messing everyones lives about. i feel so guilty. and so ashamed.
i just wanted to express my cockness for about the third time oin the past week.
Im in denial i do think... and when im not in that im really depressing myself out about this whole fucking abortion shit. After my failure at that fucking audition today im really regretting what ive done. I know that financially we just couldnt afford to keep the baby, but my other half's about to start a new career and if he gets in it looks really promising, not for the first few months, but after 6 months or so he should be earning quite a bit more than what he is now (i just hope he enjoys it).
and me..,. well fame isnt whisking me away right now is it and i feel like complete shit. I didnt lose much blood after the surgery at all, and it stopped completely when i got myself home, but after the weekend i've started bleeding again, and im getting a lot of headaches and cramp, especially in my lower back. And my arm and my hand keeps hurtin cuz if the anesthetic, but thats starting to calm down now. I've got an extention on a big piece of work at college, which is good, but i have 3 performances this week, at keast 3 next week, one the week after and its just fucking shit, im so stressed out and i think if i carry on the way im going im going to drinking myself to death and now i just want a fag.
Im seriously questioning whether i've done the right thing or not.
And when i got back to college after the op, yesterday was my first day back, i went for breakfast with my mate, and she was like 'we didnt really wanna say anything (she's had one too) cuz we know yuou wanted it, and we dont really know how you're gonna be feeling' which is fair enough and really kind of them, but i just feel like i want a massive hug and a huge big cry but no one to do it with. I dont wanna keep bringing it up with my other half, i think he's dealing with it in his own way and i dont want to upset him anymore than has already been done.
I just feel so shit and wanted to share that with you. Fuck the world. And fuck me for being so stupid and making 2 huge mistakes and messing everyones lives about. i feel so guilty. and so ashamed.
0
Comments
You have just had a lot of major things happen in your life and its natural that your going to feel shitty, depressed, fed up.
I think you realise deep in your heart you DID make the right decision, people do go through the feeling of guilt, should I or shouldn't I and to be honest you may even in years to come think *what if*. Its all the healing process.
I think you should go and see the doctor, just to be on the safe side and get checked out. If you start having bad pains then dont wait about, get seen straight away. It has been known for people to have to visit theatre again, I remember when i was in hospital a girl had been through the same as you and she had to go back down. She was in a lot of pain, so if it does start getting worse dont hang about.
When you got back to college people would be afraid to mention stuff to you, they wouldn't be aware of how you felt, wether you wanted to talk, wether you wanted to forget about it or wether you wanted a good cry, so if you feel you have a good friend who you can just sit with and have a good bawl and a hug then do it, theres no shame in that.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, you made the best decision for you at that time. Maybe its time to concentrate on yourself for the next few months. Get out there and do what you want to do, prove to yourself and others that you can do it.
Time is a great healer and you will be feeling like you are now for some time, but it will get easier to accept what you did was right for you.
Dont feel bad about yourself because im sure theres a few here who think your not that bad, and we are here if you need us
Youve got your whole life ahead of you, Its a shame you feel the burden of this decision is all on you, because remember you made this decision to be the best thing for everyone.
How is he dealing with it? Will he talk about it or is he saying nothing?
I get the impression its you thats carrying this all around with you and you feel like you have to act *Big and strong* and just carry on. With people around you your having to watch what you say because you dont want to upset them. If im right then start talking to someone otherwise you will bottle it all up and the healing process will take longer.
the thing with my friend is that she had an abortion 9 months ago, and finds it extremely difficult to talk about. when this all happened i think she found it really difficult because it bought it all back to her and she wanted that baby as much as i wanted this one, and i think she was gutted when i told her. so i feel as bad talking to her about my feelings, as she does having to listen to it. so i dont know what to do, i know if i burst into tears she'd be there for me, and she is there for me, but i dont want her to feel like we're having unnecessary conversations about something that makes her feel uncomfortable anyway. its difficult and stupid i know.
i dont know, and im trying to sort things out with my other half about the way i feel right now so i havent really put much gramatical effort into the above, which i apologise for. why do i feel so alone?
oh i dont know, i've just been talking to him and I just asked him out straight "do you feel as shit about all this as i do" and he said no. which is fair enough, its not him thats got all these fucking emotions going around, its not him who had to go in for the surgery itself.
I was going on about how shit i feel and how i;'ve been feeling a bit neglected this week when i needed him the most, but now he's said that, its like maybe he's not dealing with it because he feels he has nothing to deal with? maybe its not an issue to him? which it was when we made the decision, it was horrible to see him cry like that. but its just like, i went in on thursday, and sure enough he came over thursday and friday nights to stay with me, he took me out for a meal and to the cinema friday night, we didnt talk about it though And then on sturday, i heard from him once via text late morning, then i called him at just after nine, he always calls me at 9 you see and he hadnt, and his mums partner said he'd gone out. so i called his mobile and he didnt pick up, and it turns out he'd just gone out on the piss for the whole night with his mates and got slaughtered, I got a tx about 11pm telling me he'd gone out, and then shortly after from from his mate saying how drunk he was. Which obviously wasnt very nice for me to receive feeling the way i was. I spent the whole night in on my own wandering if he was ok not or. but thats the reason now i havent seen him since i went there on sunday, anbd now until he comes over here on friday, because he's spent his wages and doesnt get paid until friday. He spent his wages on a night out, instead of coming to see me when i need him most, thats upset me and i dont think he can understand why.
oh i dont know, i need a fucking cigarette.
i know i know thats not the end of my world, its a bit of a set back which im hugely gutted about, especially as it wasnt really my fault, that woman made me change my song. Just it was the last thing i need right now. i've got my theory test tomorrow which im not going to pass because i havent read nay of the book. and i just feel like i've lost so much more than some stupid audition this week. and i dont know how to deal with it.
What about going to the doc and seeing the nurse? you need to get checked out, really I wanna stress that to you because of the cramps & bleeding, but whilst youre there do you think you could talk to her? or at the hospital do they have like an aftercare worker you could speak to? sometimes it is easier to speak to someone like that because they know exactly where your coming from, they have seen so many people just like you.
You feel so alone because you cant actually sit down one to one and say how you are feeling. You just want someone to listen to you, give you a cuddle and tell you your going to be ok........I wish I could be there for you
I wouldnt normally say this, but if its going to help you then have one.
You really are carrying this all around with you and not really getting any support. He is probably dealing with this a totally different way to you. Men dont really talk much, they tend to keep quiet and then you feel like you cant talk to him, or they go for a drink. Now us girlies do it different, we like to talk, cry, shout or do anything just to get it out of our system.
*becky hits nail on head* i wish you could be too.
i will go back to the doctors asap... i cant see the nurse however as she is a big fat two faced whore who is supposedly a friend of the family's, but everyone knows what she's really like. she's the sort of person you wont speak to for weeks, then you'll go to the doctors and she'll read your notes when you're not even seeing her... and then all of a sudden she'll pop to your house for a coffee with your mum. lovely women. [/sarcasm]. all of our friends know it, and i wouldnt go to her with a problem if someone paid me. anyway....
i cant really go back to the clinic unless its necessary for another op, because its in birmingham and im in leicester and its just not practical if i can get seen by my doctor. however if this doesnt really work, or i need to see the after care councillor, i will have to go back up there,. it isnt really a huge problem because its not that far, its just a bit of an inconvenience. It seems even harder to find someone worth talking to aswell, because no one seems to understand that this baby was planned, and wanted very very much, but because of our ages and situations we chose not to make that hugely publick, and thought we could deal with it all, but its only when someone else gets involved and puts problems forward that maybe you hadnt thought of, that you sit down and think properly "well maybe i did make a mistake". And i feel awful because i was the person who started this whole thing. we talked about having a baby together last year and i misscarried and we stopped trying, but i just got so *not obsessed*, but destitute for a child with him, and i convinced myself... and him that we could do it. but we couldnt. and i think, although i know i shouldnt, that im taking that as a real guilt thing too. i feel to blame for it all because at times i really have pushed him into making a decision about things, anbd although he said it was what he wanted too, and that it is as much his fault as it is mine, technically its not, because i pressured him into wanting this baby, and trying for this baby, and getting a new job to support me and this baby, and then into me getting rid of this baby because although i told him id worked it all out and could afford it, which i had to an extent, when talking and looking at the future of it all, there really was no way we could have done this. and i feel so guilty for having to make that decision.
the shop is the first place im going in the morning, dont worry
Speak to you laters, get your head down and hopefully tomorrow you will be feling a bit better