Very embarrassed by it all

Former Member

Ok, um I'm not sure if this is in the right forum but anyway.

I never looked at porn before but a friend suggested I try it and see if it did anything for me - I did and it didn't so I didn't look at any more. But turns out we have a thingy on the computer I didn't know about that keeps track of the sites visited and my dad found out and thinks I do it regularly and gave me a huge lecture - "I realise at your age you may want to experiment with your sexuality but I would appreciate it if you didn't go to those filthy sites ever again." <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/redface.gif"&gt; How embarrassing was that.

Anyway, now he thinks I'm a slut or something, every time he looks at me I can see in his eyes he's really disgusted and it make me feel so crap even though I know I haven't done anything and he didn't give me the chance to explain it's not something I make a habit of.

And now that impression has kinda rubbed off on me - I've always felt guilty after, uh, pleasuring myself (don't ask why - I don't know) but it's got to the stage where I can't do it at all anymore because I feel so disgusted with myself. Don't get me wrong - I don't need to do it 24/7 and never did it that much in the first place, but it's got to the point that I can't even look at any part of myself in the shower or something and if I accidentally touch one of my breasts in bed then I can't sleep because I'm so repulsed by what I just did.

I've never been overly fond of myself but now I really feel like I hate my body and it's almost like I'm scared of myself.

This probably doesn't make any sense and it's way too long I know, but I really needed to say it to someone (remind me to get some more real friends). Yeh and if I've been grumpy or moody to some of you then this is the reason why and I couldn't say it to someone one on one cos it's just so embarrassing. This is probably the most open thing I've written here, I can't believe I'm actually going to post it <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/redface.gif"&gt; Here goes.....

Former Member

i totally understand, ok, maybe it was not as embarrasing but when i was at my fellas house we were in his bros room (dunno y!) and we found some porn mags. i was looking at them and kinda comparing myself 2 them. u know like well "that kinda looks like wot it does on me" etc. and cos they were like 30 odd yr old women who were not attractive i like my bloke look 2 we were laughing at some of the women. but later i thought that i must be some kind of sicko 2 do that.

also after i have pleasured myself i feel disgusted 2. but not if i look at myself or accidenly touch myself. i suppose the way u gotta look at it is that it is normal 4 people 2 do that.

Former Member

{{{{{{{{{Chickadee}}}}}}}}}} I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about the porn sites, Many moons ago when I was young <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt; I found a copy of men only magazine hidden in the house and was very curious so I helped myself to have a perouse, anyway my mum caught me with it and gave me a huge lecture on how degrading to women it was, without even listening to my protests, needless to say the owner within my family never confessed to it and I took the rap for it.

As for the other issue perhaps some therapy / counselling might help, I know you've had an unsmpathetic dr, if you could go to another maybe he can put you intouch with the right help.

{{{{{Chickadee}}}}}}
Take care
Luv
Al

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I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk to loud
I think it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act to proud

Former Member

Thanks you two.

Jolizzie - it's good to know someone else feels kinda bad after masturbating too. I mean not good for you but nice to know I'm not entirely alone.

Al - thank you <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt; I just don't know that I could sit there and tell someone what I wrote on here. I couldn't even show them the post. The only reason I could tell you was because I didn't know you and couldn't see you and the net is so impersonal and even then it took ages to pluck up the courage. I guess I'm just hoping it's yet another teenage phase lol.

Former Member

hiya Hun, u don't have to feel dirty about looking at porn or masturbating yourself. In my experience the best lover i have had masturbated herself so therefore knew which spots got her going. You dad is probably just upset. (dads always seem to protect there little girls more), don't let it get to u so much you only live once and it is the year 2001 not 1901 it is perfectly natural to try new things.

This is for Jolizzie aswell:
Keep ya head up and keep smiling your are your own person and its your body, not your dads, do what u want it doesn't harm anyone else.


NuttyLad :-)

[This message has been edited by NuttyLad (edited 15-04-2001).]

Former Member

Your Dad sounds just like my dad i alwayz feel like he hates me cause i'm the only girl and with 2 brothers in the house he seems too turn too me (a lot!) and i think he hates me :-(