Blown away by what counseller said!!!

Former Member

I went to my seventh counselling session yesterday and a comment she made has absolutely blown me away.

Now correct me if i'm wrong but a counseller is there to listen! Which is why when she came out with such an unbelievable remark i was stunned.

Bit of background... basically i started counselling because my partner died in july, it was my choice to go and work have paid for eleven sessions. I knew that even thought i didnt feel like it at the time i should give it a go, because i wouldn't want to be more effected in the future by what happened i.e start the healing process.

So after many tears a lot of heart ache and confusion (often came out of counselling a bit scrambled), i though that i'd at least began on the road to dealing with his death.

Then it came out of nowhere she said to me ' you seem to be dealing with all the practical sides of your life quite well (just moving out of our flat) but i can tell by how you keep starring at the floor and not making eye contact that you havent even began to deal with your own emotions about his death'

Well that has been a great kick in the teeth for me and by my counseller of all people. I really seriously did think that i was starting to get to grips with what's going on. I knew that for the last couple of week's i have had to pack and move house so i was a bit reluctant to deal with the emotional side of moving out because i would never have got anything done but to say that i havent even started.

Does this sound normal to anyone else. Feel like i've been kicked back to where i've started from when i thought i was making a little progress??

Former Member

I think it's quite fair of the counsellor to say this. She is traind and has said that she has picked up from your body language and your sessions, that you have dealt with one thing very well but are still dealing with your emotional problems.
Talk to her...don't give up..and don't feel like its a kick in the teeth...you will know when you have learned to cope because you won't need to talk to her anymore.

Former Member

Sorry to hear about your partner, I can imagine how you must still feel.

Youre right the counsellor is there to listen however maybe you havent really been talking to her? Maybe she is actually trying to get you to open up and get all your feelings out? Her being an outsider will probably notice your body language and can tell that maybe youre acting fine to other people I.E carrying on with everyday things, but when it comes to yourself maybe she can see that you maybe are not coping as well as you think you are?

Does that make sense? I think what she said to you is maybe to talk more about your partner, how you really feel now and try to help you through the healing process, but part of that process is to talk about your partner, remembering the good times, talking about how you feel now and maybe talking about where you go in the future.

Hope that you carry on with your counselling, it does help to talk:)

Former Member

I know that i can be a really ackward person when i want to and have always been pretty good a dodging topics that i dont want to talk about, but then if i was trying to do that would i really be going to counselling in the first place??

I realise that over the last couple of sessions that my moving house has dominated the conversation but then i thought that moving was dealing with part of his death. Everyone keeps telling me that moving out is closure, accepting that its not good to stay there and that i would be able to start pieceing my life back together.

Maybe i am just making it sound a lot worse in my head than it actually is. Time will tell i quess:(

Former Member

I dont think moving out is closure, how can you have closure after your partner died so recently. Maybe you were so upset by what your counsellor said as deep down you know its true. dont feel pressurised by your friends and family to get over it and have closure before you are really ready.
your counsellor is not there to make you get better quickly, shes there to help you come to terms with it in your own time.
I think maybe you should tell your counsellor that you thought she was too blunt, and if you dont like her particular style, maybe you should change counsellors

Former Member

I dont see moving out the flat as closure and i dont see it as a new beggining either. I knew that it had to be done and for the best part i've told myself that its for good financial reasons which it is.
If ive learned anything in the last few month's its that it's easier to just accept what people are telling me rather the having to deal and make decisions on my own.
I think in my own head i know that he's not coming back, but it's still really difficult to imagine that i will never touch him, talk to him, comfort him and all that stuff again.
People in generally say to me 'i cant imagine what you must be going through' to be totally truthful even i dont. There's no set rules for how grieving is suppose to go, no guidlines and 'nobody who can imagine' so in that respect i'm on my own so how can a counseller tell me im not dealing with it if nobody knows how?

Think the more i think about it the more i get confused.

Former Member

youre right, only you know if your coping or not, and everyone grieves in different ways. Im surprised you had to pay for counselling though, I know Cruse provide a free bereavement counselling service, as my mum is a counsellor for them.
I guess if you felt like you were really getting somewhere then it must have been disheartening to hear the counsellor say otherwise. but she doesnt know you like you know yourself, and to have the confidence in yourself to KNOW you are getting somewhere, is a really good thing. You should be proud of yourself.

Former Member

I was offered cruse counselling but there waiting list was a few month's long.
My employers have paid for me to have eleven sessions with the centre and then after that if i want more counselling i have to change counsellers as the one i see is specifically for employes. They have already extended my sessions because my company normally only pay for seven but they extended it because i was moving.
Saying goodbye to the flat tonight hand the keys back tomorow so i quess it will be another emotionally charge evening.

Thanks everyone for reply's think it maybe me stressing more coz i dont want to deal with it!!

Former Member

Originally posted by Tecknotart

Thanks everyone for reply's think it maybe me stressing more coz i dont want to deal with it!!

You will when youre ready, sometimes its hard just to let go and let all your emotions out. I think this is what the counsellor is trying to do, but eventually when the time is right you will:)

It can take many years to accept that someone has gone and wont be back. My son was a Cot Death baby and it has taken me a long time to get where I am. Ive never really got over it however I have learned to cope. I never used to talk about him much to my family because I was frightened incase I upset them, and my husband well he was another case, I couldnt even mention the babies name without it affecting him, so I kept it all to myself, which incidently is probably why it took me so long to cope with things:)

Time is a great healer, youve probably heard that before and thought "what the hell do they know" but I can honestly say as time goes by I am finding it a lot easier to cope with it.

I hope you can see where im coming from

Good luck:)

Former Member

Tekno, something I think you need to be aware of about a good counsellor to help you in the process is that something they must maintain is congruence. In short that means absolute honesty. Honesty about how they feel as a result of what you say and what they see you exhibit. If htey cannot be honest with you then they cannot be trustworthy. They are there for your benefit and they wouldn't be of much benefit if they hid things from you would they. Congruence may be hard to deal with at times, but understand that it's not a personal attack, it's a means of getting you to see things you may be missing and a way of stopping you short and prventing you from denying things i.e. convincing yourself you've come through it fine when you haven't. To allow you to continue in denial would just allow you to reinforce negativety within yourself and harm the healing process.
Good counsellors are rare and I belive you have found one of the rare ones, stick with it.

Snod

Former Member

Thank's For all your reply's.

Now i just feel like i'm being irrational and slightly loosing my marbles.

I'm not scared to admit that i may not be dealing with his death by jumping in with both feet, but at the moment i cant even imagine where to begin about how all of this is effecting me. I can give everyone a whole list of words, scared, lost, alone, empty, raw, but i know that i've got the overwelming feeling that he has let me go and now everything seems to be spiriling out of control. I know why i feel like this, all the things that we had built up in the time that we where together i.e flat is now out of my control.
I dont have control over what is happening in my life at the moment and it's really hard to find something to cling onto when everything is slowly dissapearing.

I wouldn't clasify my counseller as a friend, as there is thing's that have happened that i'm either scared about telling her or ashamed of the thing's that i've done. It's funny when you say thing's like that considering that she is a complete stranger. So i guess that really answers all of this i dont want to face what's going on apart from the practical stuff that has to be takien care of, and really i dont want to talk about it to either friends or to a counseller because really i cant find the right words to describe whats going on and how i feel.

Like i said i think i've lost my grip on reality on what is really going on in my head and in my heart.

Maybe it would be easyier to print all this off and take it to my counseller.


Beckyboo- My heart goes out to you

Former Member

Hon, you're not loosing your marbles. Believe it or not, from the way you are talking, you're getting them back. It is likely and normal that you are being irrational, that is a common trait in humans. The first step is the biggest and you've just made it, admitting that you are having difficulty. Well done.

A little more Ed about counsellors. They aren't your friend, if they were they couldn't be effective. A counsellor need to empty themselves and become a vessel for your feelings, emotions and opinions. There is no other way to be on your journey with you. If they were your friend they would have prior knowledge and that screws things up. A counsellor is also used to hearing what you may consider garbled junk, but as a trained counsellor will notice the important things among the junk that you spurt and will gently sterr you toward those things so that you can, in your own time and in a safe environment, touch those things and turn them around and see them in a new way then deal with them effectively. You continue garbling, it's the best way, honest. You're doing fine hon. Just try to understand that when the counsellor stops you and takes you back to something you said and forces you to concentrate on it, they are doing that because it's important that you address that issue rather than sideskirt it.

I don't doubt you feel you have lost your grip on reality simply because your reality has changed so drastically. It's a bit like moving to a new country. Everything familiar has gone and you have to learn all over again, but you CAN do it.

The feeling of being out of control of everything is normal too, you have suffered a traumatic experience and therefore lost control of yourself and your emotions. How can you be expected to be in control of anythings else? This is what friends and family are for.

Keep talking hon, you're doing fine.

Snod

Originally posted by Tecknotart
Thank's For all your reply's.

Now i just feel like i'm being irrational and slightly loosing my marbles.

I'm not scared to admit that i may not be dealing with his death by jumping in with both feet, but at the moment i cant even imagine where to begin about how all of this is effecting me. I can give everyone a whole list of words, scared, lost, alone, empty, raw, but i know that i've got the overwelming feeling that he has let me go and now everything seems to be spiriling out of control. I know why i feel like this, all the things that we had built up in the time that we where together i.e flat is now out of my control.
I dont have control over what is happening in my life at the moment and it's really hard to find something to cling onto when everything is slowly dissapearing.

I wouldn't clasify my counseller as a friend, as there is thing's that have happened that i'm either scared about telling her or ashamed of the thing's that i've done. It's funny when you say thing's like that considering that she is a complete stranger. So i guess that really answers all of this i dont want to face what's going on apart from the practical stuff that has to be takien care of, and really i dont want to talk about it to either friends or to a counseller because really i cant find the right words to describe whats going on and how i feel.

Like i said i think i've lost my grip on reality on what is really going on in my head and in my heart.

Maybe it would be easyier to print all this off and take it to my counseller.


Beckyboo- My heart goes out to you

Former Member

Just feeling very scrambled, going to be another one of those hard day's. I give the keys to the flat back today lots of tears last night and i dont expect today to be any different.

Going to hide under a bar stool till then (although i know it wont help):(