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I give up, I'm sick of it
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
The whole racism thing rearing its head. Again. I'm sorry if this is boring you guys, but I just feel so helpless.
I was out with mates today, all white, all but 2 of them were female. I also had to interrupt conversations with said friends to hide from the little old Indian women throwing looks my way. I know what they're thinking. What a disgrace, she's out with guys. I had to even go to the length of taking off my glasses and taking down my hair at one point, so one of my nan's friends wouldn't realise who I was. Come on, we're in the 21st century, times have moved on. They think they're still in India, where all the girls are respectable and are fully clothed, even in the searing heat. The home country they think is so pure and good has moved on with the changing times, whereas they are stuck in a time warp and expect their girls to follow this example.
The past 30-odd times this has happened, I managed to joke about it, but I think today something just snapped. When we all went down to the riverside after I'd been stared at about 5 times, I made the excuse that I had to go put something in the bin (conveniently situated a good 3 minutes away, out of sight and earshot.) I got there, and just broke down completely. I felt so so stupid for doing it, but I couldn't take it any more.
This happened twice more, and then I made the mistake of being sat alone for two seconds checking my phone. One friend came up behind me, took one look at my face and she said, "What on earth is wrong?!" It took all my self control to not collapse sobbing into her arms.:crying: I told her quietly what was wrong, then I had to turn away hurriedly as the others out with me came round the corner to see where we'd gone. I didn't want them to see me in that state. Thing is, one of my male mates picked up on it, and at bowling dragged me aside and asked what was up. I told him, then had to excuse myself to the toilets where I broke down again.
I just give up completely. What is the point-I have to constantly be on my toes if I'm out.... watch what I do, what I say, how I act, who I'm with, all because if anyone in particular sees me with white guys, the news will be home before I would be and I'd get it in the neck. My mum knows, and is fine with it, but it's everyone else. I can do nothing to please them... everything I do which isn't 'the norm' is taken as a sign of rebellion against the culture. I can't seem to do anything right.
All I want is a bit of freedom to be who I am. I didn't ask to be born a different colour or into a different culture to the majority of the country in which I live. I don't ask for much... just to be able to go out with my friends (male, female, white, black, whatever) without being made to feel like a criminal or a traitor to the culture. It's not as if I'll go mad if they give me the slightest scrap of freedom. I'm a straight-A student, I'm a nice kid (or so I'm told). Do they seriously expect my studies to slip if I hang out with guys for the best part of half a day a week?!
Sorry about the length people, and if it was rather rambly. I just felt so helpless, and needed to write it all down.
I was out with mates today, all white, all but 2 of them were female. I also had to interrupt conversations with said friends to hide from the little old Indian women throwing looks my way. I know what they're thinking. What a disgrace, she's out with guys. I had to even go to the length of taking off my glasses and taking down my hair at one point, so one of my nan's friends wouldn't realise who I was. Come on, we're in the 21st century, times have moved on. They think they're still in India, where all the girls are respectable and are fully clothed, even in the searing heat. The home country they think is so pure and good has moved on with the changing times, whereas they are stuck in a time warp and expect their girls to follow this example.
The past 30-odd times this has happened, I managed to joke about it, but I think today something just snapped. When we all went down to the riverside after I'd been stared at about 5 times, I made the excuse that I had to go put something in the bin (conveniently situated a good 3 minutes away, out of sight and earshot.) I got there, and just broke down completely. I felt so so stupid for doing it, but I couldn't take it any more.
This happened twice more, and then I made the mistake of being sat alone for two seconds checking my phone. One friend came up behind me, took one look at my face and she said, "What on earth is wrong?!" It took all my self control to not collapse sobbing into her arms.:crying: I told her quietly what was wrong, then I had to turn away hurriedly as the others out with me came round the corner to see where we'd gone. I didn't want them to see me in that state. Thing is, one of my male mates picked up on it, and at bowling dragged me aside and asked what was up. I told him, then had to excuse myself to the toilets where I broke down again.
I just give up completely. What is the point-I have to constantly be on my toes if I'm out.... watch what I do, what I say, how I act, who I'm with, all because if anyone in particular sees me with white guys, the news will be home before I would be and I'd get it in the neck. My mum knows, and is fine with it, but it's everyone else. I can do nothing to please them... everything I do which isn't 'the norm' is taken as a sign of rebellion against the culture. I can't seem to do anything right.
All I want is a bit of freedom to be who I am. I didn't ask to be born a different colour or into a different culture to the majority of the country in which I live. I don't ask for much... just to be able to go out with my friends (male, female, white, black, whatever) without being made to feel like a criminal or a traitor to the culture. It's not as if I'll go mad if they give me the slightest scrap of freedom. I'm a straight-A student, I'm a nice kid (or so I'm told). Do they seriously expect my studies to slip if I hang out with guys for the best part of half a day a week?!
Sorry about the length people, and if it was rather rambly. I just felt so helpless, and needed to write it all down.
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Comments
What would happen if you were caught out though and seen? As long as your mum knows and supports you, surely given time other people will accept you for who you are and what you do? As you said, you sound like a really sorted person. I'd stick up for what you believe in. You're doing nothing wrong.
You sound like a really nice, caring and sorted person - you shouldn't have to deal with this unfair crap. There's no advice anyone can give other than to hold your head high and don't let if bother you - but I know how difficult that can be.
Don't give up because of them. You can do whatever you want, you don't need their permission or aproval. I'm happy your Mum at least doesn't have a problem with you, and that is very important. I would try to get more support of your friends too, rather than using up all your energy making sure they don't know how upset you are. Friends are there too support you through times like these, and I assure you, they will do.
It's just so... unfair. Try not to let it get you down.
I'd love to be able to change this for you but often the attitudes of these people are built and stuck in and nothing can change them.
*sighs* I'm just so sorry that it has had such an effect on you, hun. You're right, we are in the 21st century and you'd think that people would... ugh. *lost her words*
So your mum knows and is fine with it? Has she tried to explain it to anyone else in your family, etc? Sometimes the only way to get people to understand how much something hurts you is to remind them what they have. I'm not sure if you've tried that or not. Explained that you are a good student (*slaps you* clever moo
I think that sometimes families... don't want to think you have a mind of your own. They want to protect you and maybe this is their way of doing that.
Surely if you told them just how unhappy it was making you they'd try to change their treatment of you? *is maybe being naive but hopes not*
This is all very rambly and probably makes little sense but I've had little sleep so forgive me.
Love you, hun. *sends you a hug*
*speechless for a change*
So you may have to alter yourself in the way in which you choose to deal with it. If what you're doing is acceptable, then instead of hiding from them or making excuses, you should stand up for what you think and tell them. Or find a way to live with their glances without it affecting you so much. Difficult yes but probably the easiest way to sort it.
You've said yourself you can do nothing to please these people, so I ask, why keep trying?
Your mates are obviously willing to help from the sounds of it, so next time use their support and don't try to deal with it alone by crying somewhere.
Hope it gets easier..
What would happen if you were caught out though and seen? The news would probably be home before I was. Honestly though? I'd probably get lectured, punished, god only knows how.
As long as your mum knows and supports you, surely given time other people will accept you for who you are and what you do? *shakes head* Doubt it very much. My mother is a very liberal person compared to the rest of my family. My uncle and nan, for one thing, would probably rather have me shot than have me seen out with guys. In most English families, uncles/nans and the like don't have much of an influence, but in an extended family such as mine, they wield an awful lot of clout.
So your mum knows and is fine with it? Has she tried to explain it to anyone else in your family, etc? As far as I'm aware, she hasn't. When I actually plucked up the courage to tell her, (only managed after weeks of coaxing from my male friends), the first thing she said was, "I don't have a problem with it, but for goodness sake don't tell your father or the others."
Surely if you told them just how unhappy it was making you they'd try to change their treatment of you? Now this I'm not sure about. On the one hand, they could be quite shocked at how much it's upsetting me and could try and change. But on the other hand, they could merely tell me to just snap out of it and accept my lot.
You've said yourself you can do nothing to please these people, so I ask, why keep trying? That's what I've been saying to myself recently.
Hope that's made things a wee bit clearer.
Advice? Long term, this is obviously gonna kill you. You've got a good few more years of this yet. So confront it. I know you're close to your family, but you can't keep doing this. You are your own person, but your family isn't letting you be that person.
So confront it. Screw being on your toes. Be who you wanna be, do what you wanna do, and deal with the consequences. They live in England, land of relative open mindedness, they need to adapt to the prevalent culture.
Yeah. Rambling. Do what YOU wanna do, and it'll probably result in lots of fights, and if you can argue your case well enough, there's nothing they can do. But you'll get to go out with your friends without having to worry about familial backlash.
How old are you? Just wondering cos if you old enough to move out couldnt you do that to escape some of the hassle at home?
Like someone else said, you have the support of your mum which at least is something, and obviously you have good friends. I can't imagine how horrible it must be, but try and stay happy. Even if you're not old enough to escape them all you will be soon, they can't control who you're friends with forvever!
It must be so damn difficult for you, especially because you are still relatively young (even though you're much more mature than your age). I don't need to tell you this, but never ever lose sight of the fact that you have done nothing wrong.
Like Turtle says, you have to be your own person. We all know you aren't doing this just to rebel against your relatives, but unfortunatley, they don't see it that way.
Yes, it'd be a hell of a lot easier if these relatives weren't so set in their ways, and gave you a bit of leeway here or there, but the reality is that it isn't that easy, and at the moment at least, they don't like what you're doing. That is their problem, not yours.
Keep doing what you're doing, it's good that your mum is understanding, and never feel ashamed of who you are and what you do.
In the meantime, try and keep your chin up, and don't forget, Im only a PM away
You're all absolute diamonds, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm usually ok with this stuff, but I think that recently I've become more affacted because I've become so damn close to the white guys in question.
Some of you said I should seek the help of my friends, and when some of them came online last night I did exactly that by directing them to this page. None of them knew that my feelings ran this deep or that I had been this upset, and they resolved to help me. I'm now meeting my best boy mate on Wednesday in order so we can talk this through. And in his words, Tash, don't worry, if on Wednesday some old Indian bizatch gives you the eye, I'll go over and ask exactly what her problem is. Not sure whether that fills me with confidence or dread, but he means well, bless him.
Again, many many thanks for all your replies. You're all wonderful people and if you give your respective groups of friends anything like the help you give me, they're very lucky to have you lot.
You say that these old ladies look at you and "you know what they are thinking". How do you KNOW for sure what they are thinking? Have any of these ladies ever come up to you and called you names for being with boys? Have any of these ladies said anything at all to upset you? Maybe they look in your direction and wonder, but so what? Do you know any of these ladies? You keep telling us that if they go home and tell your Nan, then you life will be miserable. You have been posting this same story here for a few months now. And so far no one has gone and told your Nan or anybody else in your family. Or have they? If everybody was out to get you, your family would have been told already. You say you have laughed it off the 30 odd time it has already happened when they stared you. But, nothing has come of it. You have had no repercussions from your family.
You obviously live in a small closely knit community. If everybody has already seen you with all your white male friends, the chances are that your father and uncle already know and have chosen to keep quiet about the whole situation.
You are living in fear of an event that has not happened yet and you are making yourself miserable because of it. My advice to you is to put all the fear behind you and continue with your life. Have some more faith and trust in your family. They might surprise you. And if nothing else, you have an ally in your mother.
It sounds to me like you have some deep seated discomfort with your own background and culture. It is not unusual for immigrants growing up in a predominantly white culture to feel alienated and thus try and lash out at their communities. But, I think you need to take some serious steps towards feeling comfort with who you are and where your family is from. You will never be able to change those things, no matter how hard you try. Yes, it is very important to be able to assimilate into the dominant culture. But, at the same time your attempts to dissosciate yourself from the culture of your parents will only bring you more misery. They key is to achieve a happy medium where you can coexist comfortably in both your own and the dominant culture of your society.
Tash has made it more than clear that she has no problems with her background, and she has by no occasions shown any discomfort or anything else regarding the culture she bears. Only factor which she has shown any kind of annoyance over is the staying-together-not-mingling-with-others kind of attitude which is imposed on her.
Through her other post you would have been able to recognize the fact that she is a balanced girl and that the feeling of paranoia has a root. It's not just there without any trigger, but for a reason. I wouldn't by any means call her racist, just realistic. She knows the consequences of her actions, due to being raise by certain norms which her family has found important.
Tash;
As said before, you're doing nothing wrong. But I do know that it is a battle when being in the situation you are in. I would suggest you took a 'what if' talk with your mom. Taking up the points which could occur if you got 'caught' mingling with people of other races or if you told your dad/nan/uncle yourself about your friends.
I wish you the very best of luck. It's not a pleasant situation. You're a great girl, and at some point you will see an end to it.
Best of luck, Moi xxx
OK, I fail to see where this not-mingling-with-other has been IMPOSED on her. So far, no one has said anything to her. Not one person has made a negative remark to her or told her off for having white friends. If you recall she felt the same paranoia about her other, but when she told her mother, her mother already knew about her friends and was completely cool with it.
Yeah, the little old Indian ladies are staring at her. So what? Have they abused her physically or verbally? NO. Have any of these little old Indian ladies gone and complained to her parents? NO. If things were so horrible for her, her parents would have known by now and have been punishing her. In all these months that she has been posting here about this topic, NOTHING negative has happened to her other than some old Indian ladies staring. I think she is obviously a little paranoid. And she needs to get a grip on herself. If the old ladies look at her, just ignore them. Big deal.
And as for her being a racist. I never said she was a racist. I just pointed out that when you start judging people by their background, you are going down a slippery slope. The same one she is accusing her family of being on. She is not doing it knowingly, but it is something that needs to be pointed out.
I'm guessing you've not had to deal with this, am I correct? As for you 'pointing out' that I've not been verbally abused so therefore am being paranoid, I have been abused verbally in the past, with remarks like "Oi, what are you doing with them?! You're a disgrace!" floating my way.
In all these months that she has been posting here about this topic, NOTHING negative has happened to her other than some old Indian ladies staring.
*reads*
*re-reads*
I'm sorry, I didn't realise that being told by your father, whom you look up to, that 'anybody who hangs out with white lads is a disgrace' was not negative. Nor did I realise that it isn't negative that people who I don't even know feel as if they have a right to dictate how I run my life, just because I'm of the same culture?
OK, I fail to see where this not-mingling-with-other has been IMPOSED on her.
*recalls a conversation with her nan*
"If when you're out today, your friends happen to bring along any boys, make your excuses and go home, ok? You shouldn't be seen with those kinds of people."
But, at the same time your attempts to dissosciate yourself from the culture of your parents will only bring you more misery.
May I just point out that at no point have I ever said that I wish to disassociate myself from my culture.
MrLuvr, you have your opinions, that much is true, and I respect you for that. But please do not judge me as being paranoid without reason.
Do you know, for once, me too. It must be an awful situation to be put in, something which i've never had any experience of. But hope things go well Tash, and, though it may not seem much, you've got ya mum on your side. Your BESTEST friend.
I mean of course, choosing this path may cause hurt and pain, but no matter what, the people closest to you (family and friends) will still love you for who you are. Believe me, i was kinda in a similiar situation, it didn't involve clashing of cultures but with my parents forcing me to choose this career path that i did not want to do, actually i hated it with a passion, and me being 'miss goody angel' i thought best not to rebel, but then ended up having all these horrible feelings of anger and rage inside me...... i became very depressed and then one day it just snapped and i went my own way, looking back at it now... im glad that i made that decision as my life at the moment couldn't be any better..... im on an excellent rapport with my folks and they are extremely proud in just how well im doing with what i want to do.
best of luck tash !