Help im really really need some views on this

Former Member

Hi,

I never thought id need to get help from any form of online BBS but the day has come. I dont have anyone I can talk to without causing grief to the people I love the most..

I am 34, an area sales manager with work up to my head and a head full of thoughts, i cant make any sense of. I have been with my partner for 17 years, she has given me a wonderful daughter who has just started school and they are both the apples of my heart and both my best friends. She hasnt had to work since nipper was bourn nor have i asked her too, we have got by not without a struggle but we have got through ok.

We had a very long and tearfull conversation 6 weeks ago and to cut a very long conversation short well she has told me that she has fallen out of love with me. It was a shock and numbed me senseless. The reason I cant really talk to anyone is that my mother has only just got back on her feet herself from divorcing my father, I dont want to make her think of anything to do with her own problems. I have an excellent boss who is a true friend but if i discuss things with him I risk losing little pirks like she losing driving privillages for my company car, daft i know but the safety of my daughter and herself is important to me, her car is older and heaven forbid anything to happen to them but if it did i rather them be in my car than hers.

We went out for a meal the other weekend to talk things through again, and after she said that we should try to refind ourselves again, this i thought was sensible but now im unsure...

It has been very difficult im sure for us both. I have been working during the day, 2 hours paperwork in the evening, trying to play with nipper so she doesnt know what is happening and cooking my own dinner ect. My ironing I do in the mornings before work. We still get on and talk about things as we do. What im having trouble with is that I have the same feelings for my partner as I have always had, she doesnt feel the same way and after a long day if I just come home and give her a hug and a peck on the head or cheak you can really see in her eyes there is nothing there...

I thought for the sake of our child I could live with this situation but its becoming so damn hard, my daughter needs us both but we dont need each other. im choking just writing this..

I have been thinking about all this and one half of me says live with it and see what course life takes, the other is saying this is just a relationship of convienience and if you are not apart then neither of you will truly appreciate how badly you may miss each other or recognise what you give each other. I am truly a lost cause at the moment. I dont want to see either of them hurt in anyway.

I have offered to buy her out of the mortgage to start with, then she came up with the idea of lets try to rebuild things slowly, the problem with this is it is affecting my work and if i lose my job then they both get hurt,, i really do belive that a child needs a to be part of a loving family and to be loved and that up until all this she most defineatly has been as is still now, she is my little shadow, whatever i do whereever i go at weekends she just has to come along, which i love and like i said above somewhere is my little best friend.

What of what should i do, i cannot do either and not end up affecting one of them in someway either directly now or financially in the future.

If anyone has had any experiences similar or can light the way id be really greatful..

Former Member

Hi SplitSoul

I do know how u feel on this one. Similar thing has happened to me. Most Long Term relationships go through this stage at some point... and your wife will be asking herself questions about who she is and what she realy wants. And when u r working long hours and are under pressure at work, and have a child that u want to spend time with then its difficult to devote quality time to a relationship. But relationships r like flowers ...... unless u feed them regularly they start to wither.

The first thing to ask your wife is has she met someone else. Others can seem v attractive when they say the right words and dont have the history or responsibilities of real life. This is a possibility and may influence how she feels. However it may also be a red herring as well so dont get too hooked up on this. If she says no accept it in good faith.

The second thing u have to do is ask yourself what do u realy want. Im guessing that u want the relationship to work. In which case u need to realy communicate with your wife. Talk about how she feels. Why she feels the way she does. What has changed. What have u done....... or more likely what have u not done.

If she wants to find your relationship again then that is a real positive. It means that she hasnt giving up. Perhaps she told u she had fallen out of love to shock u into action!!! My advice is to go for it. Try to make it work. GO deep into who u both r. What has happened. WHy, and what can be done. U may need to change

At the end of the day u will have a better relationship...... deeper and more real

Good Luck

Former Member

Id agree with all Lifeuncommon said.

Can I just tell you how I felt some time ago. Im married, husband worked long hours. He used to come in and yeah I knew he was shattered but I still wanted some time with him. He would have his tea, sit with his feet up and just watch T.V or fall asleep in the chair. Anyway cut a long story short I was getting bored and fed up of the same routine day in, day out. I was stuck at home all day with a toddler, didnt have much adult conversation and I was beginning to feel that all I was good for was to be sat at home holding the baby. So we had a few problems over this, so what I decided to do was to get a part-time job. This was the best move ever, I wasnt bored had something to look forward to and our relationship got better.

So im writing this basically to let you know it could be a similar thing shes going through. It does get very lonely bringing a child up if you are stuck at home all day, especially if you dont have many visitors and your hubby works long hours.

If youre both stuck into routines at home Id suggest trying to do different things, cos sometimes we just get stuck into a rut and need some fun and excitement in any relationship.

Hope some of what I said makes some sense, these are just my thoughts and things which have happened to me and we have managed to turn our relationship round.

Hope you get sorted, good luck:)

Former Member

I'm no expert when it comes to relationships, so I'd suggest seeking advice from experts. See a marriage councellor.
Sorry I can't suggest anything else.

What Beckyboo said about the situation of the husband working long hours, bringing work home, and being too tired to do much, while his wife is stuck at home with the baby, and needing to either see other people, or have a break from looking after the baby, rings a bell. I've seen relationships/marriages go down the pan before because of that. Though there is usually more to it than that.

Good luck. As you still feel strongly for her, I hope you can work it out, and that she still has love for you (just hope she finds it again soon).

Mr_Wobble

Former Member

I really feel for you. You seem such a nice and genuine man too.

I'd agree with Mr Wobble in regards to seeing a marriage guidance councellor. It must be so hard for you.

Former Member

Hi Split soul.

It's very sad to hear this but you have come to the right place for advice. We may not be Relate experts but we are all very real understanding people.

I can't give you advice on what to do because that is an impotrant decision between you and your wife that you really need to sit and talk out properely for the sake of your daughter. I can only try and make you understand from a woman's point of view how it can happen because I did it..

I left my son's father 2 yrs ago and can openly admit that I crushed his world.

When we first got together it was blissful, as is any relationship in the early stages. I loved him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. I moved in with very quickly and had my son within two years of being together. I'm not going to go into explicit detail of the main problems that re-occured in our relationship because it would take too long, but I tried many a time with him to get him to stop drinking and take responsibility etc..

I knew he loved me but I guess you never actually realise how much someone loves you until it's over. For the last year we were together I'd basically as harsh as it may sound 'gave up on him because I'd tried many times and it just wore me out. My mother always told me in life to follow my gut instinct, to do what my heart told me and I did. I knew my love had died because every day I would plan my escape or try and start a row so that he would hate me. I began to resent him and every little thing he did annoyed me immensley.

I tried talking to him but he wouldn't listen. I left him after a severe row and never went back. Everyone turned against me because I had his child and no-one could believe I wouldn't give him another try but I was adament..

I went through hell in the first year of leaving him. I fucked his head up and he fucked mine up. Thinking back now I should have thought of him and my son over my feelings and tried to make another go of it but I was selfish. I knew If I no longer loved him it would never work and I truly believed it. I hated myself for a long time afterwards through the guilt but what is the point of being in a loveless relationship?

Anyway (sorry to go on) my point is this. If you no she does no longer love you, as hard and heartbreaking as it is let her go. You love your daughter so concentrate on your relaionship with her and don't ever break that. My son and his father are very close to this day because I would never ruin that relationship they share and feel it is extremely important.

I hope you will be ok. Please keep us updated..

Former Member

Many thanks for your views and experiences, i have read them and am sitting here thinking about them.

I still cant get the fact out of my head that I have been my worst enemy in all this. I understand the need for a woman to do her own thing and i have always taken great effort in the understanding that as I cannot help 100% in the week, i take time out with our daughter so she can have her space and time to herself at weekends. She has her friends and has been going out with them in the week too. We have gone out as a family of course but in the main it is usually my daughter and I.
We have actively gone out as a couple, and also had some great nights and days out through my work activities also..

I am still unsure how to move on. I wouldnt want to hurt either of them, but every action i can think of has a nasty reaction.

I still think that to feel any different about each other we need to be apart, I think to stay together as we are is not going to let us understand what we had, & gave each other or did for each other.

Do you think this line of thought to be true..

Another thing that keeps buzzing in my head is the fact that I am a firm believer that your love for each other changes as your relationship matures, It goes from being a lusty start to moving into something far more stable, loving and trusting (it has to be to involve children) and i keep thinking that this may be what is happening from her point of view. We have been together afterall for 17 years...

Thanks for your thoughts and replies

Ps thought id just better explain, I dont have a drink / drug problem, have never ever hit or abused a woman and dont get wrapped into football even..

Former Member

I am still unsure how to move on. I wouldnt want to hurt either of them, but every action i can think of has a nasty reaction.

Expalin this to me?

Former Member

It feels like this to me,

If we stay together in a loveless relationship then i am hurting what is really now my best friend,
If we dont ill be hurting the one who doesnt understand whats happening she is only 4 years of age

The thing is where children are concerned, i think if they are truly loved as she is then you tend to do anything for them including being unhappy yourself, I think this is the same for my partner

Former Member

Yes but surely unhappy parents makes for an unhappy child?

My son hated me when I first left his dad as he didn't understand why. To this day he will still say 'Get back with daddy' but he also understands that we can't. I've explained everything to him and told him he will always have his dad and that we both love him equally even though we can't live together. He is a happy child. I have lots of family around anyway but he feeds on my happiness and although only 4 (He's very bright) understands..

Has your wife asked you to leave or mentioned moving herself?

Former Member

No she has not asked me to leave, she understands that for me to carry out my work and be able to provide for our daughter, I need the space our home has for storage and my office. Without these i wouldnt be effective,
She did originally say she would stay and try to see how things would go but i can tell by her looks things just arent going to be right.
I would like to try, and have been for the last few weeks but it scares me that unless we part we will not realise (me aswell) what we have together and what we give each other.
The other thing is I cant make sense of it all, I cant understand what I can do any differently, ive asked her what she would want from me and the only things she has asked is that i cook my own meals and do my own washing & ironing ?? Make sense of that, i cant. I mean we go out as a couple we used to go out as a family but she stopped coming out unless it was beach weekend, i dont mind this she needs her time too. She has her friends she goes out with in the week.

I can understand two people falling out of love, but if she does truly want to try to refind ourselves, then i think i need something else to go on and its not been given to me. This is what makes me think that we should part company, but then the other bit of me says hey what about the other little person in your lives

Very confused by everything,

Former Member

Sounds to me like she feels unappreciated, and this is no surprise, not after having children.

* has been there to

I don't know what to suggest becuase I am still in that position. We get on, we talk but there isn't the closeness which was once there - see kaz's Life Plan and you get the drift of what I mean.

We're in a rut and I'm not sure that either of us really has the drive to get out of it.

Former Member

I really do hate to say it but er.......Maybe she cheating on you and has fallen in love with someone else!:(

Do you still make love and stuff?

I hate to throw these nasty thoughts into your head but I can’t see why a woman who’s been with you for 17yr could all of a sudden fall out of love with you? (I’m young and naïve)

You seem like a nice guy!:)

I still think that to feel any different about each other we need to be apart, I think to stay together as we are is not going to let us understand what we had, & gave each other or did for each other.

Have you told your wife this? Maybe you could move out for a month, or 2weeks even and see if her feelings for you change?

Something has got to change because you can't go on like this.

I hope you get this sorted one way or the other, and I wish you and your daughter luck!

Former Member

Originally posted by Harmless
I really do hate to say it but er.......Maybe she cheating on you and has fallen in love with someone else!:(

Believe it or not if this were the case, it would be easier for me to then understand what is happening. Unfortuneatley tis not the case

Former Member

Originally posted by Man Of Kent
Sounds to me like she feels unappreciated, and this is no surprise, not after having children.

* has been there to

I don't know what to suggest becuase I am still in that position. We get on, we talk but there isn't the closeness which was once there - see kaz's Life Plan and you get the drift of what I mean.

We're in a rut and I'm not sure that either of us really has the drive to get out of it.

Oh God, maybe it just happens to everyone
I feel like this too. Im going to get myself a part time job though, So hopefully that will help the relationship a bit.

Former Member

I really feel for you as I'm going through a similar thing myself at the moment. Luckily there's no children involved, but it still hurts like hell. We're just together as friends at the moment and I just spend each day hoping and praying he'll fall back in love with me. It's so hard when things change so suddenly.

Former Member

I also hope that you can sort through your feelings for each other and have had a good talk about things.
If things have been rosey and all has been fine when it happens, it does come as a big shakeup to you.

I hope the same as you but i just get this feeling that if you do not leave each other the feelings you had, the things you enjoyed about each other, and what you gave each other will not shine through.

Former Member

Ive been following this thread on and off all day and it sounds all too familiar. I didnt intend to go into detail in my original reply as i thought it might depress u (lol) However i will share my experiences as it might help.

About a year ago my wife of 14 years told me that she wasnt sure if she wanted to be married to me anymore. That she still loved me but wasnt in love with me. Even though i knew she had been going through a difficult time coming to terms with some problems from her childhood it came as a shock. She said she needed space to work things out. We had overcome difficult times in our relationship before so i felt positive that there was a good chance we could work things out.

As it turned out she had become very close to someone she chatted to on the net who she thought understood her. She had a v brief relationship with him which ended v badly for her as the illusion was shattered. I suprised myself at how easily i was able to forgive this... i felt her pain was greater than mine....and for a v short time things improved.

But for her this brief affair was a symptom of something deeper. We talked a lot and v deeply and i realised many things about myself and how i had not put her top of the list of priorites (i have 2 children) And like u splitsoul it didnt seem to matter what i did, how affectionate, caring, compassionate, did everything around the house, romantic gestures, tried to notice the little things etc etc....... it seemed to make no difference.

So after some discussion i agreed to move out.... to give her the space she needed and also hoping that she would notice my absence. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

To cut a v long story short, after about 4 months she was struggling to cope and asked me to move back in to help out with the kids etc. I thought..... this is it. I pulled out all the stops and gave it my best shot. However i learned that Women never forget as she kept bringing up minor things that had hurt her from over 10 years ago. She didnt seem to notice how i had changed over the years or seem affected by the effort i was making.

She had also in this 'space' she struck up a very close friendship with a spiritual healer who seemed to have a very positive affect on her.

Its hard to give for a long time and receive very little in return. And as the months went by i began to realise that there realy was nothing i could do to 'make her' feel the way she once had... I had to let her go gracefully. Which is where i am now. Divorce proceedings are now underway as this is what she wants.

And when i stopped looking inwards at the collapse of my relationship and started looking out wards i realised that there were lots of wonderful people out there and i could take all i had learned from my marriage without bitterness and put it to good use in a new relationship. And guess what I have very recently met someone else who realy appreciates me.... and i am happier now than i have been for a long time.

So perhaps this is not a sad story after all. I console myself that i tried my best..... gave it every chance of working....but sometimes u just have to accept that people change, and move forward in your life...... for who knows what exciting adventures lie around the corner!!

Former Member

*Is touched*

If that's not inspiration for you I don't know what is