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Everything seem shit :(
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
OK where do I start......
Basically, I've been feeling shit lately. Mainly because of my ex and all the stuff that goes with it, and partly my family.
I did a thread about my ex the other day (it's the evil people thread down the page somewhere) and it's just got worse and worse. Now she's started texting me saying she loves me and would do anything for me. But she's been so nasty and evil at times, I just don't know what to do.
To sum things up, she's cheated on me, lied to me, messed with my head, thrown away the ring I gave to her (my granny gave it to me before she died), said she never loved me, got her ex boyfriends to threaten me, told me to go and meet her somewhere then I see her with another bloke and she keeps taking her b/f and snogging him outside my house.
Then I ended up fighting with the guy she cheated on me with, and ended up with a big black eye.
I know I probably should get rid of her, cut her out of my life completley, but I'm just not sure if she's genuine in what she says. How can I trust her, even as a friend, after everything thats happened. Part of me still loves her, but it hurts so much after everything she's put me through. I feel really lost without her, but at the same time, I'm so so hurt at what she's done to my feelings.
Then there's the question of my family situation.
My mam is doing my head in. She's started saying nasty things to me, the latest being "No girl will ever have you the way you are, you don't know the meaning of the word love". And she knows I don't think very highly of myself.
When I've got a problem, she doesn't listen, she snaps at me. Whatever I do, it's not enough. I try to make conversation with her, and she responds with one word answers, and ends up telling me to shut up.
My dad's just as bad. When my 5th year results came in, they didn't meet his standards and he threatened to throw me out. He eventually calmed down, but ended up telling me I was a failure and I'd never make anything of myself. He even tried to pull me out of school and make me get a job, but backed down. When I got my 6th year results and got a place in uni, I could tell he didn't like it.
It's no exaggeration to say I haven't really had a relationship with him since then.
But I love the bones off both my parents, I just want them to be proud of me. But they're convinced I'm the cleverest of all my brothers and sisters, and I'm never ever going to be able to meet their standards. I know how clever I am, but it's nowhere near as clever as they think I am. Doesn't help when I've got a little brother who (in my mams words) "isn't as clever as I am, but still gets better results". It's not his fault at all, I'm so, so proud of him.
I end up going to bed, and crying myself to sleep about it all. If it's not my family, it's my ex. I always try and put a brave face on and laugh, but deep down everything just seems to get on top of me, and I feel shit about it all.
I swear to god I try damn hard to do my best to make people happy and get on with people, but it just all blows up in my face. I end up taking it out on other people which makes me feel even worse.
I just cant see how to feel better about it, or do something about it. Sorry it's so long.
Any thoughts and comments would be appreciated though.
Basically, I've been feeling shit lately. Mainly because of my ex and all the stuff that goes with it, and partly my family.
I did a thread about my ex the other day (it's the evil people thread down the page somewhere) and it's just got worse and worse. Now she's started texting me saying she loves me and would do anything for me. But she's been so nasty and evil at times, I just don't know what to do.
To sum things up, she's cheated on me, lied to me, messed with my head, thrown away the ring I gave to her (my granny gave it to me before she died), said she never loved me, got her ex boyfriends to threaten me, told me to go and meet her somewhere then I see her with another bloke and she keeps taking her b/f and snogging him outside my house.
Then I ended up fighting with the guy she cheated on me with, and ended up with a big black eye.
I know I probably should get rid of her, cut her out of my life completley, but I'm just not sure if she's genuine in what she says. How can I trust her, even as a friend, after everything thats happened. Part of me still loves her, but it hurts so much after everything she's put me through. I feel really lost without her, but at the same time, I'm so so hurt at what she's done to my feelings.
Then there's the question of my family situation.
My mam is doing my head in. She's started saying nasty things to me, the latest being "No girl will ever have you the way you are, you don't know the meaning of the word love". And she knows I don't think very highly of myself.
When I've got a problem, she doesn't listen, she snaps at me. Whatever I do, it's not enough. I try to make conversation with her, and she responds with one word answers, and ends up telling me to shut up.
My dad's just as bad. When my 5th year results came in, they didn't meet his standards and he threatened to throw me out. He eventually calmed down, but ended up telling me I was a failure and I'd never make anything of myself. He even tried to pull me out of school and make me get a job, but backed down. When I got my 6th year results and got a place in uni, I could tell he didn't like it.
It's no exaggeration to say I haven't really had a relationship with him since then.
But I love the bones off both my parents, I just want them to be proud of me. But they're convinced I'm the cleverest of all my brothers and sisters, and I'm never ever going to be able to meet their standards. I know how clever I am, but it's nowhere near as clever as they think I am. Doesn't help when I've got a little brother who (in my mams words) "isn't as clever as I am, but still gets better results". It's not his fault at all, I'm so, so proud of him.
I end up going to bed, and crying myself to sleep about it all. If it's not my family, it's my ex. I always try and put a brave face on and laugh, but deep down everything just seems to get on top of me, and I feel shit about it all.
I swear to god I try damn hard to do my best to make people happy and get on with people, but it just all blows up in my face. I end up taking it out on other people which makes me feel even worse.
I just cant see how to feel better about it, or do something about it. Sorry it's so long.
Any thoughts and comments would be appreciated though.
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Comments
I've read a lot about this ex of yours now and I have two words: Poster Time. I think you know what I mean
The family business. Erm... I'm crap at this sort of thing. Your parents, I'm sure deep down, are proud of you and what you have achieved. Keep plugging away at it one day it'll all come off and stick together for ya.
I'll might contribute more when it's not 1:37am :eek:
As for your parents. I can relate to your Mum saying hurtful things. I've been living back home since I split with my ex and every time I do something wrong my Mum says "no wonder X got rid of you" which upsets me so much. The last time she said it I just started crying and said to her later could she please not say it as it upsets me. I don't think she realised how much it hurt me, and she agreed not to say it again. I am sure your parents love you (they have funny ways of showing it as they want the best for you and don't want you to make the mistakes they did) and may not know how you are feeling. It's horrible feeling that your parents are disappointed in you but in the end it is your life.
Hope that helps. Take care.
First of all, you are a good person, anyone who posts here regularly know this. Except for a questionable taste in music (:D
This girlfriend of yours is, well, she's being a bitch to you. WHo knows why some people feel the need to hurt other intentionally, I'll never understand it myself. But anyone who tries to do that, and believe me she is, isn't worth the time of day.
Losing your grandmothers ring, kissing her new bf in front of your house, those are hurtful things. Ask her this, if she still loves you, why did she do those things to you?
I know it seems impossible, but you will find someone much better than her, who treats you right and respects you. From what you've said about her, she doesn't repect you worth a damn.
As for your parents, *sighs* what the hell are you going to do?
Parents are the toughest people sometimes, especially when it comes to their children. My advice would be to take everything they say with a grain of salt. Remember, you never really know the reasons why they're doing the things they do. Maybe your mum had it tough as a child and is using a childish way of trying to "toughen you up" My father used to subscribe to this school of thought.
Maybe they're unhappy. Unfortunately they're human too, and they might take it out on you even though its not your fault.
The bottom line is, they love you. Nothing will change that, so as long as you know that, try to ignore some of the spiteful things that they say, especially when they don't make any sense.
And I would suggest maybe a little bit of confrontation. Perhaps tell them that they hurt your feelings when they're assholes, or when they say something completely ludicrous, jsut ask them why they said that. They probably won't be able to answeryou and hopefully will realize how childish they are being.
Keep your chin up. You'll be fine.
Drum
Firstly, do not blame yourself for any of this mate. You're a great guy with lots to offer. Everyone who knows you on thesite knows this.
This girlfriend of yours, well, anyone who frequents the Relationships boards will know all about her. She's playing you Bri, I can see it happening before my very eyes. By your nature, you're kind and trusting, which is why you find it so difficult to tell her where to go. You decide to wait and see each time, thinking that it can't possibly get any worse, but it does.
You've listed everything she's done to you. Read back through it, and think of what your reaction would be if some girl had done that to one of your closest friends.... exactly. You'd feel angry at how someone could do all that. You'd wonder if this girl really loved your friend if she could hurt him so badly. That's how you yourself should feel in your situation.
It's evident from the things this girl has done that she doesn't love you. If anybody did love someone, they wouldn't even entertain thoughts of doing half the things she's done. It's hard, I know it is, but somehow you have to cut her out of your life. It's a helluva lot easier said than done, and it'll take time and patience, but you have to do it. Else I'm afraid she really will drive you insane. It may even cast a shadow over future relationships; you'll be afraid to go into them just in case this girl decides she wants you back.
As for the family situation, Jaysus, it's a toughie. Parents are always your harshest critics after yourself, and everyone feels from time to time that there's just no pleasing Mum and Dad. I think you should tell your mum that her comment are really hurting you... she may not realise it. As for the way they behave, they may be trying subconsciously to toughen you up. My uncle does this to his son.
The thing to remember is deep down your parents do love you, they just don't like to show it too much. They're probably bringing you up the way they were... tough love, with not many shows of affection.
Cheer up Bri, and try not to let it down you too much, ok? You're a great lad
I'm beginning to think this kinda thing is happening already. I'm shit scared of getting into a relationship, never mind a serious one, now this has all happened. I also realised that in ten days time it'll have been a year since we split up, and still she keeps messing with my mind. Even when she's not winding me up, I can't stop thinking about some of the things she's said. I always thought she was happy enough to be with me, but it seems she's evolved into someone that needs someone with a flash car and takes her away on holiday. Oh well
But thanks so, so much to everyone for helping. I really appreciate all the advice
Oh, and Ego, I'm still considering the posters idea
Hey Bri,
Now you know what I think of you.
I know how you feel with your ex. Despite everything she did you still want her because the part of you loves her is hard to ignore. You hope that everything she did was because she was confused or hurt and now you try to convince yourself she has changed or that she was simply trying to push you away but has seen the light because you love her and only want for her to feel the same.
It hurts but these people aren't worth it.
I know that this will probably be read and that the advice to forget her will not be followed because how can you forget her. I'm advising you to do something that even I can't do.
Right now I have two men (for men read boys) who have made me so confused. Pretended that they cared only for them to show what they really want and change with me. They have hurt me more than they can comprehend because they underestimated my feelings. I can't forget them because I feel like I need them despite their being bad for me. Without them I'd feel lost and no doubt this is how you feel with her. That you need her as something in your life because to cut her out completely would be to, in a way, lose what you had. I'm not sure if that's the same for you.
People tell me to cut them out of my life. I can't. I still haven't and still can't. It hurts if I lose them and it hurts if I keep them around because of they way they are treating me, at a time when I am so in need of support they are treating me with anger and frustration.
The way I am right now is, in some ways, because of how they treated/are treating me and my feelings. I want them around as friends but the memory of what they did to me or how they have treated me is too painful to forget and they get mad at me for displaying that they have hurt me because to do that is to make them feel guilty so they lash out at me.
The worst part is the thought that none of this is hurting them. That they are happily going on with their life while you are stuck here hurting at their actions for which they feel little guilt.
The bit you posted just now is also there. I am scared to get involved with anyone else because getting close to men usually results in them twisting things to hurt me or simply using me and deciding they can't hear my hurt and just need me to be 'happy' all the time.
I have little advice for this because I'm stuck. There is no way I can cut them out of my life because one is always around in one way or another and the other continues to call me, etc despite my, in a moment of bravery, telling him not to. So I shall be feeling this way for a long time but I thought I would share all that to let you know that at least someone has an idea how you feel. Many people do but sometimes it can help to see someone else's experience.
I hate the thought that you could be feeling in anyway similar to this. The crying yourself to sleep, putting on a brave face, etc is all too familiar. If you ever feel the need for somewhere to get rid of all the stuff that is weighing you down you know that I will be there to listen. On MSN, in PM's, emails, whatever.
Your family, all I can say is that sometimes they don't realise how much things get to you, how much things they say can hurt you. I'll just echo what everyone else has said because my relationship with mine is confusing to me and I'll just end up rambling again.
So right, that is faaaar too much blah from me.
Natter to me whenever you like, sweets.
This is nothing more for her than a power trip - she wants to know how much will you take before finally giving up on her. It's all a big game for her - if I do this will he still love me? She basically appears to just want to have you on tenterhooks as a "fallback" in case nothing better comes along :mad:
Sorry to sound so harsh about it *hangs head* but reality check time - you say she has been doing this sort of thing for a year now - what the hell are you doing still being nice to her?
Why are you taking this abuse from her? Because that is all it is - an abuse of your feelings, trust, friendship and love. Move on, walk away and let her know that you aren't going to be her faithful puppy anymore.
As for the folks, a lot of people have already hit it on the head - tough love. Don't quite understand why parents feel it is necessary to berate your every move as not good enough, but they do. Stand up for yourself with them as well as this girl.
And no I'm not talking full out barney here, just approach them in adult conversation (as in don't throw accusations around of you always treat me like shit, never let me know your proud of me, etc) as that will just get there backs up because no one likes to be criticised (particularly parents by their children). Tell them how you feel and let them respond to that because they don't know their comments are making you feel so bad if you don't say anything.
Again, apologies if I come across too harsh, but it is a shame to see a nice guy keep getting kicked in the balls.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do:D
The ex situation sounds messy. She seems to be all or nothing, see if she'll meet halfway and take it veeeerrrrrryyy slowly. Give it time to see if she's the real deal and if you still feel the same.
Parent's! They don't want you making their mistakes, or any really. There isn't any compulsory reading to become a parent so people "wing it". The only means they have of gauging their success as parents is by using you as a yardstick to sibblings and peers. Noone ever taught them how to talk to their kids either. That means their anger is as misdirected as you worry yours is. Which might mean they don't mean it, either.
Just my 2 cents, not original but it's cheap
It's so stupid when I think about it, I think of everything thats happened, but I still care about her so much. I sometimes get the idea of her being in a sort of coma, and one day she'll wake up and be back to her old self. But even then would things ever be the same as they were ??
I have good days and bad days, usually I manage to keep smiling and think about other things. But then I have days like yesterday when little things just get me upset, and I just feel really bad.
Thanks for all the advice, it's appreciated so, so much
bri your ex isnt worth the time your giving her...you can do SO much better,i bet theres afew girls round here who wudnt say no!
i know what parents are like ive got a set just like yours,constant put downs ive just learnt to ignore em i think sometimes theyre just jealous because they were never good looking and intelligent like us when they were younger.
my siblings get praise for doing shit and i get straight a's and no one notices.I think parents were made to be horrible.
just do your best not to listen to them put on a smile go out have fun and find someone who really cares about you,not your ex!
People change regardless Brian, maybe you just didn't that side of her existed before.
im not exactly a regualr on here yet but iv read your posts (and everyone elses) and you seem to be one of the world's Nice Guys - the ones that keep evading me.
your ex sounds worse than most of mine...its hard when you feel like you still want them and would do anything for them even though you knwo they're bad for you, like nothing else matters but to keep them happy. well iv tried it and it doesnt work, i cant get into a new relationship because im hanging on for a call, or email, or text saying he wants me back that deep down i know i'll never get. please dont follow my path and let her get a hold on you like that
family wise i think i can relate more, im supposed to be the cleverer one and yet my younger, more pratical sister does better than me. im trying to cope with constant put downs from my mother about my weight and attitude to guys, and my father just....i guess he just loses his cool a bit when i dont do as well as he wanted me to, and then he hits me and yells and pushes me around a bit, but i knwo its only because im not doing my best. all im doing is trying harder so they'll be proud of me one day, and thats about all i can suggest to you as well, maybe you could talk to one of your parents about it though, im not sure about your home relationships.
life throws out a lot of shit to people, usually to ones who arent really deserving, but if you can deal with whatever comes your way, i think thats the important thing. and it seems like a rather pointless offer as im still newish but if you do wanna chatto someone in a similar sitch regarding home life and an ex, im just a PM away, okietay?
*smiles* chin up lad
I'd PM you all individually, but I really cannot be arsed
I am feeling a lot better about it all today, but like I say some days I'm good and some days I'm not.
But the advice and support you've all given me is really, really appreciated
Hi mate,
Just read your thread - I googled why everything seems crap.
Your case unfortunately is nothing any of your friends - applying over simplified logic - can help you with.
This truth is going to initially feel like a kick in the teeth, however after the first shock and a bit of study (lots of online sources available) you will start getting to feel better.
First Truth: Your parents are suffering from a personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Google it.
Second Truth: Your girlfriend back in 2002 was suffering from a similar personality disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder. People with narcissistic parents are predisposed to get emotionally involved with a BPD partner.
You have been the victim of immense psychological abuse. A therapist will be able to help you.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes
Esposito
This is a bit of an old thread - 12 years old - the original poster might not be around anymore, so we're going to close it now.
You're welcome to start your own thread on the topic if you want.