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What should I do? Help!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys, this is quite a long post but I would appreciate any help. Ok. I have been with my girlfriend for 1 year (1 year exactly next week). We have always been very close and I considered it a very loving relationship.
Well about a week and a half ago, my girlfriend went out clubbing with her friend. I had no problem with this because I trusted her and also, I don’t consider a relationship to mean ownership of a person - they are entitled to do as they wish (within reason). Anyway, she goes out clubbing on the Wednesday night and texts me when she gets home (like always). The next day she is very distant and seems cold. She said that she felt ill due to drinking too much red bull the previous night. No problem. Well then she goes out Thursday night again. This time with another friend. Like before, I had no problem with this. Once again, she texts and next day still very cold. It carries on like this all day. Then Friday night I was supposed to go up to hers, but I put it off (had a lot of work to do before the weekend). So she goes out again. Start thinking something is up. So I call her Saturday day (when we said I would go up) and she is very distant and we have an argument. We decided that it would be best if we seen each other on Sunday instead. She goes out Saturday night.
Well, Sunday comes and I finally go up to see her. She is very cold – 1 kiss when I got there and a small hug. I ask her is she is ok and we have a chat. Anyway, to cut a long story short I finally get the truth out of her. She had met a bloke on the Wednesday night and went out with him every night except Thursday. Here’s a clearer picture:
Wednesday: Says going out with Steph. She did, and met Chris (new bloke)
Thursday: Says going out with Chris (old friend). She did.
Friday: Says going out with Steph – really met Chris (new bloke)
Saturday: Says going out with Karen - really met Chris (new bloke)
Well the thing is we had a huge argument and she promised me that there was nothing going on and they are just friends. I have nothing to prove anything is going on, apart from having to lie. She says she didn’t tell me because she knew it would upset me and that I would think something was going on. So we had a chat and we agreed that she should never lie to me again about whom she is going out with.
Ok, I go home Sunday. Monday comes and she says she is going out with her friend Luke for a drink. Fair enough – I didn’t trust her to be honest but thought she wouldn’t lie again after the chat we had. Tuesday, she went out again with her friend Steph. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday she went out with her friend Barney. I knew she was lying and when she came down on Saturday we argued again and she admitted she lied again. Here’s a clearer picture:
Monday: Says going out with Luke. She met Chris (new bloke)
Tuesday: Says going out with Steph. She met Chris (new bloke)
Wednesday: Says going out with Barney. She did.
Thursday: Says going out with Barney. She met Chris (new bloke)
Friday: Says going out with Barney. She met Chris (new bloke)
Her excuse was that she needed time alone. She still says that nothing is going on and that they are just friends. Why did she have to lie again? The reasons why she keeps meeting with him was to talk about me and where things were going (she says she hasn’t been happy lately).
Anyway, the thing is I don’t think anything is really going on (she’s not that sort of person) yet there are doubts in my mind. We are on a break until this Friday to think things through which is why I am asking for advice. I am thinking that if they are just friends then she wont mind if we meet up with him or at the very least I call or text him. At least then if they are just friends, he would know about me but if she is cheating then he wouldn’t (unless some sort of fuck buddy). Do you know what I mean?
Well, what I am asking is how do you think I should handle this situation. Obviously she has lost my trust and needs to earn it back, and I think I deserve to at least find out the truth from him – do you agree. Any advice would be great. My mind is completely messed up at the moment.
Cheers and sorry if this sounds pathetic!
Well about a week and a half ago, my girlfriend went out clubbing with her friend. I had no problem with this because I trusted her and also, I don’t consider a relationship to mean ownership of a person - they are entitled to do as they wish (within reason). Anyway, she goes out clubbing on the Wednesday night and texts me when she gets home (like always). The next day she is very distant and seems cold. She said that she felt ill due to drinking too much red bull the previous night. No problem. Well then she goes out Thursday night again. This time with another friend. Like before, I had no problem with this. Once again, she texts and next day still very cold. It carries on like this all day. Then Friday night I was supposed to go up to hers, but I put it off (had a lot of work to do before the weekend). So she goes out again. Start thinking something is up. So I call her Saturday day (when we said I would go up) and she is very distant and we have an argument. We decided that it would be best if we seen each other on Sunday instead. She goes out Saturday night.
Well, Sunday comes and I finally go up to see her. She is very cold – 1 kiss when I got there and a small hug. I ask her is she is ok and we have a chat. Anyway, to cut a long story short I finally get the truth out of her. She had met a bloke on the Wednesday night and went out with him every night except Thursday. Here’s a clearer picture:
Wednesday: Says going out with Steph. She did, and met Chris (new bloke)
Thursday: Says going out with Chris (old friend). She did.
Friday: Says going out with Steph – really met Chris (new bloke)
Saturday: Says going out with Karen - really met Chris (new bloke)
Well the thing is we had a huge argument and she promised me that there was nothing going on and they are just friends. I have nothing to prove anything is going on, apart from having to lie. She says she didn’t tell me because she knew it would upset me and that I would think something was going on. So we had a chat and we agreed that she should never lie to me again about whom she is going out with.
Ok, I go home Sunday. Monday comes and she says she is going out with her friend Luke for a drink. Fair enough – I didn’t trust her to be honest but thought she wouldn’t lie again after the chat we had. Tuesday, she went out again with her friend Steph. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday she went out with her friend Barney. I knew she was lying and when she came down on Saturday we argued again and she admitted she lied again. Here’s a clearer picture:
Monday: Says going out with Luke. She met Chris (new bloke)
Tuesday: Says going out with Steph. She met Chris (new bloke)
Wednesday: Says going out with Barney. She did.
Thursday: Says going out with Barney. She met Chris (new bloke)
Friday: Says going out with Barney. She met Chris (new bloke)
Her excuse was that she needed time alone. She still says that nothing is going on and that they are just friends. Why did she have to lie again? The reasons why she keeps meeting with him was to talk about me and where things were going (she says she hasn’t been happy lately).
Anyway, the thing is I don’t think anything is really going on (she’s not that sort of person) yet there are doubts in my mind. We are on a break until this Friday to think things through which is why I am asking for advice. I am thinking that if they are just friends then she wont mind if we meet up with him or at the very least I call or text him. At least then if they are just friends, he would know about me but if she is cheating then he wouldn’t (unless some sort of fuck buddy). Do you know what I mean?
Well, what I am asking is how do you think I should handle this situation. Obviously she has lost my trust and needs to earn it back, and I think I deserve to at least find out the truth from him – do you agree. Any advice would be great. My mind is completely messed up at the moment.
Cheers and sorry if this sounds pathetic!
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Comments
Why the hell is she talking to this bloke about you? If she's not happy with the relationship she should be talking to you about it, not some bloke she's just met.
I'd be VERY suspicious if I were you. She doesn't seem able to give you a straight answer but you deserve an explanation.
That's exactly what I said. She said that she needed time alone (i.e. without me) to think things over. Don't worry, I am very suspicious! I said that she should be talking to me - not him!
Do you think I am right about demanding to speak or meet with him. Surely if they are just friends, there should be no problem?
No. If they are just friends, she'll be upset that you feel the need to "vet" her friends for her.
& if they're not just friends, your issues are with her, not him.
If she needs time alone to think things over, surely she should be spending time alone thinking things over, rather than going out with him?
*wonders if that made sense to anyone who's not consumed vast amounts of caffeine this morning*
You need to face the very likely possibility that this relationship is going to end soon. Then sit her down, tell her she's being a bitch & that you won't put up with it. Be prepared to follow up on your threat or she'll continue to walk all over you.
I understand what you are saying here. What about if I tell her to text him saying that "me and my boyfriend (me) have worked things out" etc. If they were really talking about me then there should be no problem. Like you said, it has nothing to do with him, so he is best left out of it.
As far as she will be upset, she knows that I don't trust her now and she has said that she would do anything to get it back. This is a way?
Yes it made sense!
I said this exact thing to her. Her reply was that she needed to talk to someone. She could have talked to me or some other friends though.
I am coming to this conclusion that this relationship is very near to the end. I don't want to jump straight in and end it though. It could be all honest and innocent?
But obviously she has been dishonest (lying to me) and will make it hard to trust her if we do stay together.
Do you know what I mean? I have until Friday to sort out my head and work out what I am going to do.
Don't "tell" her to do anything. Boy would you be in trouble. You could ask her if you think it would help, but I'm not so sure what it would achieve.
As far as she will be upset, she knows that I don't trust her now and she has said that she would do anything to get it back.
If she's prepared to do anything to get back your trust, try asking her to be honest & to stop seeing this bloke
If it were all honest & innocent, why was she lying to you in the first place?
Edited, 'cause I'm not awake
I don't mean tell her - like I said before, I don't own her so she can do what she wants. I just think if she isn't prepared to text him (mentioning my name - ie boyfriend) then he obviously doesn't know anything about me. This would mean that they havn't been meeting just for chats about me and our relationship.
I don't want to dictate who she can and cannot see - they could be just friends. The only way I can think of finding out wheather he knows about me is meeting (like you said bad idea) or her sending a text message mentioning me (and i see reply, etc).
That's all I can think of - unless anyone else has any suggestions?
How can she regain your trust now? She still thinks she needs time and space
I won't say what I think is really going on because I can see you love her, but maybe you being a bit blind?!
Oh I agree with you here. I do love her and I am being blind - very blind!
Please say what you think is really go on - hit me with it!
Seriously though, I have more or less decided that that's enough and it's time to get out of there. I just keep thinking, what if? You know?
I'm giving myself to Friday to sort things out in my head. It really helps chatting on here though
Its all about the "US" you have been calm, sensitive and honest, you have given her space and trust, not to mention chances, this is you putting in effort for "US" what has she done? Nothing but negative.
Chances are she txts you when she gets home, but in reality she is with him still. Sure she cares for you, and clearly doesnt want to lose you, but she wants cake and eat it.
Its classic, if you wanna catch her out, when she next goes out with a friend, and txts you saying she is all tucked up safe in bed, phone her up....check out what the other end sounds like.....mmmmm nasty.
I bet if you say enough is enough she will drop him like a hot pot, then you can say you'll take her back but only if you get the WHOLE truth......but it looks like its all broken now anyway...sorry mate!:(
Very good point. When we have the 'talk' on friday I shall mention what you have just said. Makes a lot of sense.
It's when she texts me at 2 in the morning and I just think - she's been with him til 2 in the morning. Yesterday she had the day off work and text me a couple of times - when she was with him more than likely. Although, I shouldn't say that cos I don't know.
Glad you said what you think. The thing is I already know this but finding it very hard to come to terms with. If i finish with her then there is no chance i will take her back if i found out she cheated for sure. No way.
So we are both young really.
I think what is really going on is that you girls being greedy, she wants her cake and eat it!
I think she is or soon-will-be banging this bloke (Chris) whether you’re still in a relationship or not!
I think maybe this relationship has run its course, you both have got what you wanted out of it and it maybe time to move on. No doubt you gf will try her hardest to keep you but she lied over and over to you about this chap so its best for you to at the very least have a break from her.
I’m wondering how you let her get away with it so long, I would have blown my top after I found out she lied to me the first time about this bloke
I think you need a few nights out with the lads, forget about this bird for a while(I know your in love and it be hard but you need to try it)
This bloke Chris isn’t just her mate. Its bullshit that he would sit around and listen to all her problems without trying to put a move on her, The likely hood is he already shagged her, or is very close to doing it.
I’d dump her if I were you, sorry but its just my silly little humble view
Your Brain: Says "I can never trust this woman again, but i'm too in love to finish now...i'll wait until the time is right, or maybe i'll be able to forgive" (but you never will)
Her Brain: Says "I know he's the one, cheating on him was bad, but it showed me the truth about how I feel for him. I have had my fling I will now commit" (expecting he(you) feels the same - but you havent had your fling and been found out)
May not make any sense but it happend to me!
It makes sense to me, I think its quite right!:)
But her brain would be a lot more messed up then that;)
Still, these things happen i suppose. Not going to let it or her get me down. I'll see her Friday, lay my side down and see what she has to say about that! Got a night out with the lads on Saturday, so whatever happens... life goes on!
Well, this morning I rang her because I was curious to see whether she did go out last night or not – she did! She replied ‘I thought you were ok with it because you said do what makes me happy – it won’t effect your decision on us though will it?’ To which I replied ‘of course it will!’
Am I wrong to think that she shouldn’t have gone out with him after all the arguments we’ve had? I see this as a double date – don’t you?
Sorry. I know I keep going on, but I am so confused of what to do. In one way I want to tell her to just fuck off and yet the other I don’t – suppose its down to love! Anyway, any views and advice would be great.
Thanks.
Which instinct is stronger?
I don't want to chuck things away after being together for a year, yet i don't want to be walked all over and taken for a mug (like it seems I am at the moment).
If she is cheating for sure - tell her to fuck off and never look back.
If she isn't/or I can't prove she is - stay with her but take things very slowly until she regains trust.
The thing is I am not the sort of person to say what someone can and cannot do, but I am seriously thinking of telling her it's either me or Chris. I feel horible for saying that because it isn't fair, but what else can I do?
Basically you are (or were!!!) a sorted, well balanced bloke, and you should tell her how it HAS to be i.e here are the fuckin rules, this will hurt my feelings, this will obviously be seen as dodgy, things are over if this happens etc.
Your not making her do anything, if she wants you, she must live by the rules. And as I said before, your requirements are fine and well liberal, basically your rules add up to asking her not to take the piss.
Don't mug yourself, in the end she could turn you into the bloke you don't want to be, the bloke who does try to control his woman.
That says it all really
[am in cynical mode - do excuse me]
Well the thing is, that is exactly what is happening. Like I said in my last post:
'The thing is I am not the sort of person to say what someone can and cannot do, but I am seriously thinking of telling her it's either me or Chris. I feel horible for saying that because it isn't fair, but what else can I do?'
Thanks guys for all the advice... I know I keep going on but it really does help to talk things through.
I am going up on Friday and I am thinking of talking to her mum about us - we get on really well. I know she would tell me as it is and also help with my decision. It feels like going behind my girlfriends back, but I think I'm going to have to. You know?
I know what you mean. Just thinking what if she isn't really cheating, etc - what a waste of a relationship to chuck away. Although, she has lied and been dishonest so I suppose that is enough of a reason?
You see, I know all this myself - just finding it ver hard to admit!
What if she isn't cheating? Then what's with all the odd behaviour? Why is she lying? Why is she using you to make sure she doesn't feel guilty? Why is she spending so much time with this other man? Why the need for a break? Why the need to "think about things"?
If so, what was the outcome of your decision and relationship?
Ohh and she said she hadn't even kissed him...yeah right:mad:
Or the only other thing I could think that she might be doing is provoking a reaction from you. She may want you to be more jealous and be a little nasty to her. I mean how you are acting now is a little strange, I would be pissed if my gf gone on a date with another bloke. (Even if other people are there) Its still a date and just because you are on a break doesn’t mean she can see other people!
She should be using the time to sort her head out!
Face facts mate either she cheating on you and wants to keep you as the fall back guy in case this new chaps *ucks off and leaves her. Or she wants you to show you care for her.
You seem to be too nice for you’re own good, or have you now gone off her and you really deep down no longer care what she gets up too?
I am pissed off and she know I am. I ended up putting my foot through my bedroom door on saturday night because I was so angry.
Exactly what I said to her!
I am too nice for my own good and everyone says I am - my girlfriend was really shocked at how angry I got on Saturday night. I love her to bits but she has broken my heart, and I am strating to think to myself - who cares - he can have her. You know.
Hurrah! We have a breakthrough!
Seriously tho, I think it's time you cut your losses.
If I were you I wouldnt talk to her mum.
I would tell her that you loved her very much, but she needs to grow up and get some morals. She can't go on treating people like this or she'll be a very lonely (and saggy:D ) old lady. That you can do better than this, and that you hope she treats Chris as well as she's treated you. Then turn your anger into joyfull revenge as she begs your forgiveness.
Well maybe not the last bit.
At the end of the day, all the relationships i've had I thought the girl was great person and wonderful looking etc, then after six months of not being with them I truely feel I was a mug for thinking those things.
The old one true love thing is complete arse.....there are lots of potential true loves out there, especially for a decent human who is capable of love, like yerself.