Obsessive behaviour

Former Member

I have become obsessive over my girlfriend of 14 months, I'm 17 and she's 16. Firstly please dont jump down my neck about this, my parents think perhaps I should see a counsellor or something because I'm not thinking about it logically. So many things mess my head up, for a start she is incredibly attractive and she gets a lot of attention from other people even just walking through town, this makes me really angry because I tell myself that all these guys are looking at her in 'that' way and it makes me feel terrible, as if I want to wrap her in cotton wool. She got voted the sexiest girl in her year at school in the year book by other lads which freaked me out too and so I loathe walking round school with her sometimes because I think they're all looking at her in that kind of a way. I get worried when she goes out and I'm not around and things too. I dont know if there's a self esteem problem here on my part I dont know what anyone else thinks, perhaps an inferiority thing? I might add I love her a hell of a lot, and please dont tell me I can't love someone who I get like this over. I really do, we've been through quite a bit and been a bit unlucky with things like her mum moving out and her parents' imminent divorce, the whole of which time we were together and I supported her every bit I humanly could. I get panic attacks and cry terribly when I can't speak to her or if I think one of us will be away from home for more than a couple of days. The thing is I KNOW I should tell myself that if its meant to work out then it will, and that I shouldnt worry etc, but I dont know HOW to train myself to think like that. Its got to a bad enough stage such that I can't just tell myself to snap out of it. And the thought of going to uni and being apart a lot of the time and leading seperate lives for good periods of time, well I just can't handle it, I get panic attacks when I think about that too. I just need to get rid of these feelings, and be able to relax, and be able to take my mind off the relationship for any period of time to give myself a break, all things I can't physically do right now. We could be very happy together but I'm holding us back, I'm sure I just need the right advice and help.

Former Member

Well im no good at giving advice really but I'll try my very best.

she is incredibly attractive and she gets a lot of attention from other people even just walking through town, this makes me really angry because I tell myself that all these guys are looking at her in 'that' way and it makes me feel terrible, as if I want to wrap her in cotton wool. She got voted the sexiest girl in her year at school in the year book by other lads which freaked me out too and so I loathe walking round school with her sometimes because I think they're all looking at her in that kind of a way.

Instead of seeing her being incredibly attractive as a problem, turn it round, look at the good side of things. Shes's yours, not all these other guys, your the one shes going out with and loves, so think of this as a good thing, all these guys want what is yours, they cant have her cos she wants you. You should be happy you have such an attractive girlfriend.

You just need to take a step back and really look at the situation. You really love her so you obviously dont want to be so over powering over her. As long as youve got trust in this relationship then it should be OK, if you can trust that its you she loves and that she aint going after these other guys, they can look but not touch right?

I know how you feel I dont like the thought of other girls being around slinky, gets me kinda mad and I dont like reading old threads of his and seeing that he really liked this other girl once, its stupid I know but its just me I guess. But im realising that it doesnt help me being so stupid and obsessive and I can trust him so at the end of the day I havnt got anything to worry about.

Goodluck hope everythings ok

Former Member

hiya museman, I think your parents are right and you should speak to a counsellor about your feelings, they can really help with finding out why you feel this way and will help you find ways to deal with these feelings.

You say it could be a self esteem problem, and yes that would make alot of sense, you feel that she'll find someone 'better' and leave you and the fear of rejection can cause you to obsess over other men admiring her. Youve become a bit insecure.
When you are with her and you feel this way, ask her for a hug/kiss show her some affection and push out these 'bad' thoughts and replace them with happy ones of the moment.
When youre not together and you have the thoughts, think about something you enjoyed together, picture her face smiling at you and tell yourself that she doesnt want anyone else because she's got you, what more does she need!

You cant stop other guys from looking at her "like that" as angelbabe says, turn it around, be proud, you have a stunning girlfriend that other guys find attractive, dont punish her for it, enjoy it, when you see them looking, smile, give her a hug or something. She wants you, not them, let that make you happy.

Former Member

Thanks very much I'll take what you've both said on board, I'd still welcome any other opinions, thanks again, it might sound a bit lame but it is comforting to be able to come somewhere like here and get 'real' peoples' feelings and see different slants on things.

Former Member

First of all, congratulations for admitting you have a problem. Seriously, there are so many guys out there that think there is nothing wrong with feeling this way, but being able to stand back and say that you don't like the way you feel and think about this is a very important step.

I think counselling is a good idea, it does sound like you are insecure and have low self esteem, thinking that she may run off with someone 'better'. You also have to trust her. She can't control the way other people look at her, and neither can you. At the end of the day, that's not the problem. This is a question of the relationship between her and you. They are not involved. Wanting to 'wrap her in cotton wool' is a feeling that will only kill your relationship. You will not keep her by suffocating her.

Please, go and get help so that you have a shot at a good relationship. It's a very good thing that you've realised this at an early age and won't set up a lifelong pattern of this sort of behaviour.

Best of luck. Let us know what you decide to do.

Former Member

Firstly, well done for admitting that our behaviour is causing problems. It's only natural to be jealous of an attractive partner and the subsequent attention they receive because of it, but it's quite another to react the way you do.

I think your parents are right, and counselling does seem to be a way to at least help you find out why you feel like this. Please don't see counselling as a sign of weakness, it isn't at all and could really help you.

Like the other people, I agree that you should try and turn it around. You are the one your girlfriend is going out with, not the others who gawp at her. She wouldn't be with you if she didn't love you. Be proud that you're with someone who loves you and is attractive into the bargain.

Best of luck

Former Member

I would say you need to talk it through with some one, and that's the job of coucellors, unless you have any really good close friends that you can spill your guts out to?
I would be proud and happy to go out with a girl whose been voted sexiest in her year. It would be great to walk with her knowing that everybody thought she was so great looking. As long as it's 'look but don't touch'.
Talk to someone about it.

Mr_Wobble

Former Member

i used to be like that with my ex,. i cudnt stand other girls lookin at him. just thnk of it like this: for her 2 stay with you that long means she loves u , its you she wants not those guys who look at her in the street or wat ever. if she wanted to b with them then she would but shes not, she has chosen to be with you, its you she wants.

i know that prob wont make ne difference but chin up ey! just keep telling your self she loves u and its you she wants


chelle xx