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Detaching yourself from other peoples' problems
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
So, I've come to notice a pattern with myself of getting too involved with other peoples' problems. I must admit I'm doing it much less lately, though it's difficult not to.
I was wondering if anyone else has done/tends to do the same thing? If anyone has ways to stop themselves doing so? Or maybe even where the line is for you?
I was wondering if anyone else has done/tends to do the same thing? If anyone has ways to stop themselves doing so? Or maybe even where the line is for you?
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I think everyone does that to some degree, that is why Internet trolling is a thing. If you stayed distant and objective to every thing you heard or read then how is a troll able to get your riled up? I sometimes get too involved in certain topics I feel strongly about, but I try to avoid that as good as possible. I think that the brain mostly gives better advice than the heart, so I try to stay detached and matter-of-factly which is often seen as uncaring and cold. Some people don't really want advice but want to hear their own thinking in another voice, or pity, which I will never give, not only because it's unhelpful imho but sometimes downright detrimental.
It sounds like you're feeling you need to take a step back from getting too involved in other people's problems at the moment. It's good you've identified that this is an issue for you, as it's very easy to carry on with the same behaviour for long periods of time without challenging it.
It can feel good to help other people and to know that you've made a difference to how someone is feeling. The problem comes when you feel like you don't have time to deal with your own problems because you're always rushing to help other people. It can also become a bit of a negative thing to keep trying to 'save' other people, as they'll gradually get the impression that you don't think they can handle things by themselves, which is a bit of a confidence-killer.
It might help to look at the specific circumstances where you feel like you've stepped in too much. Are there similarities in the situations? Do you find yourself drawn to particular people or particular types of problems? How are you feeling in yourself when this happens? Sometimes when we aren't feeling so good, it can help to have the distraction of trying to solve someone else's problems.
Another problem in trying to gently extricate yourself from these situations is how the other person will react. If you become drawn to people who enjoy letting others solve their problems, they may find it difficult when you start to take a step back. It might help to have hard limits on particular conversations when you feel you need to say, "I can see you're really upset, but I'm afraid I've got to go now. Let me know how it works out" or "That sounds hard; I trust you to make the right decision" and then change the subject.
Another thing to try is just being the listening ear and scaling back on practical advice. Listening to someone in distress can be difficult but you can save yourself from feeling too responsible for them by banning yourself from offering advice. They still get the benefit of someone who cares, without feeling you're always going to swoop in and save the day.
I hope this is helpful
You have to think about yourself and put yourself first before anyone else. Its not that your being horrible or unhelpful but that you have problems aawell and you cant always deal with others problems all the time.
It's one of those things by being there for them then anything else. I don't think you can do no wrong if you just support them in asking how they are.
Hopefully if they can understand that you can't always sort out there problems but just be there for them then they shouldn't expect no more. You have to put yourself first sometimes.
I know everyone can make this mistake but we have to realise that we have our own problems to. I know in some cases it don't help only you have to look after yourself first.
People who are naturally empathic will feel for other people and want to help them if they're in a bad way. That's human nature. The hard bit is taking that step back and allowing them to ignore your advice and make the mistake you were trying to prevent.
I run a busy advice service in real life, so it's something I've definitely had to learn to do.
I dont think helping with people's problems necessary come with experience but you are right in a way that people who are empathic are the ones who want to help them a lot the time and as you said there's nothing wrong with that.
You may have to take that step back in order for them to make up their mind as you want to take charge without feeling that they can't do this on there own. I don't mean no one has to go through this on there own but being in control with the situation more would be beneficial.
They don't have to ignore your advice unless it's not advice they are looking for. You won't prevent the mistake from happening as either way it depends wether they want the advice or not.
Maybe your situation is different as you said helping other people with their problems has come naturally to you and that's fair enough. It's just there's some people who don't do what you do and only help others because of who they are. Does depend on the person who they are helping if they are looking for advice and how the other person who gives them that advice deals with the situation.
I think it works both ways x
This is basically the issue I'm finding. As SarahR also said, it's that temptation and feeling that I need to save people, though I'm fully aware I don't. It's that feeling of not being the friend they need or as good of a friend as you should be. I have a lot of long distance friends so it's mostly online/via text. I'm interested to know, Arctic, did you struggle at first?
Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate them.
I will say that this situation isn't so much affecting my ability to see to my own life, so as far as that goes it isn't an issue. It's just the unhealthy mindset/attachment that I seem to end up in when I try and (basically) adopt someone else's struggles.
Edit: This mainly becomes a problem with close friends. Not family, generally not people I don't know very well either.
You need to look after yourself first and that's really important. Sometimes people do ask for advice and you answer it but it depends wether they will do it or not where as some people don't want advice and have someone there.
I think it does depend but you have to put yourself first and your not coming across horrible or unhelpful only you have to think of you.
I hope that helps x
I used to get much more involved with other people's lives and problems too - i remember with my best friend, when she'd cry i would cry for her (after i left her though, when i'd see her i was strong for her), when she'd wana scream, i would feel like screaming for her and so on. Her life was getting intertwined with mine and i was losing which feelings were mine and hers. It went on for years and i felt it was normal to be that involved with someone's life, because i cared about them so much. But as time went on, i learned i had to disconnect and step back for my own sanity/health.
I'm mainly sharing this because i wanted to point out that one thing i mainly struggled with was the guilt of stepping back. As SarahR said, it's important to be aware that other person might find it difficult and it could change some dynamics of the relationships you have - but in the long run, for the best.
For example when you meet new friends after you've already worked on being less involved, you can start that relationship how you've decided to be - and they will get to know you this way - which is great.
But with old friends who know you as the "attached" friend, and "always there for them" friend, and the "rescuer" friend, then they might feel like you're not being the good friend you were before. The important thing to remember is you need to think about whats healthy for you first and foremost - so this will not only take adjusting from you, but from them too. But your real, true friends are those who will support you and understand you, and know that this is the way you need to be so won't actually take it personally :yes:
It's great you have this awareness, and good you said you're doing it less. And you're right, it's all about where that line is for people. The more you slowly detach, the more you'll find a healthy balance of what truly feels right for you, while still being a great friend *hug*
This. Kind of like you said, with new friendships it isn't an issue because I'm not withdrawing myself from anything. The feeling of stepping back is coupled so tightly with letting them down that it feels wrong to do so. It wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that it's something I'm actively doing makes it feel like my fault. That feeling of "I could do more". But then, in some respects I guess less is more sometimes.
I really like what you said towards the end about the true friends and such. Weird thing is, I think I've told other people that same thing many times before; not the same when it's the other way around! Thank you for your response and sharing, Christele.
Just curious - have you ever had this sort of thing used against you? Or said person using it against themselves (kind of like a guilt trip)? Not sure if that makes sense.
Though there is no general pattern with the people/problems, I do seem to find myself drawn to people with low confidence quite a lot. Or people who are treated badly or unappreciated for whatever reason. I really don't know why this is or what it says about me, though. I suppose it could be because I've been (and am) there as well so I know how it feels. The personal nature of that could be some sort of explanation. Re your last question, I guess it makes me feel good trying to help out. Being a positive force. Then again, I know I can be that without the whole superhero mentality thing going on.
Thanks again for your responses and kind words. *hug*
Kind of. He got really clingy, which I found to be really unpleasant. (I'd turned my phone off, gone to bed to find a lot of text messages from him) He then got sectioned and I was told that he blamed me for it. I've seen him twice since and have been told it's my fault he won't return to club.
I never really liked him; but he told everyone that because I was studying Law, (I'd just started) I could sort out the issues he was having with the police. I was going through a really difficult time (my grandfather had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer) and quite frankly, because of how he'd treated me, I didn't really want to be dragged into his problems.
You might want to look into that because it might be a good idea for the future. I dont know if you might not be interested in that but it sounds like you would be a good person for the job. What is it you do MikeS?
You in your daily life will still have to help someone in some way as you may have to in a job, for family or a friend but it's not like you should have to deal with every problem only just to help and that's it.
I can understand when it comes to belong others on a more serious note as you mentioned on here then that's different and you should always put yourself first and your not being mean or anything
I agree with what Christele said when it comes to your old friends that you can't help but be there for them and help them. Though it's much easier when ita new friends who don't expect that as much.
@ Petrichor what you said about you are more drawn to people who have had bad experiences or problems in the past and you just wanna help them, that's like me two but I don't think it's just about if you have experience what they have but it shows that your a helpful person all the time.