Bi-curious and Rather Scared

Former Member

Hi, so just call me Winry (I'd rather not use my real name). I am going through my second "phase" of Bi- curiosity. My first stage happened while I was in high school. I did not experiment or do anything about, and it eventually faded away.
This new "phase", is scary. I'm now in college, with a boyfriend that I love very much. But I have been noticing lately that I have been romantically admiring other females. I really need someone to talk to, because I'm too afraid to talk to anyone I am personally close to.

Former Member

So, why don't you start by telling why you are afraid and why this is negatively affecting you that much.

Also, does your school have a school counselor that you can discuss such things confidentially?

Former Member

Hi Winry

Welcome to TheSite It sounds as though you're feeling a bit confused about being bi-curious and nervous about whether it might affect your current relationship.

It's totally normal to go through periods of feeling unsure about who it is you're attracted to. Gender isn't always the most important factor in why it is we're attracted to someone, and there's no reason to feel that your sexual preferences have to be clear cut, although these things can sometimes feel confusing when we experience them.

You mentioned that you have a boyfriend who you love very much, so it sounds like you're happy to be in a relationship with him at the moment, and being bi-curious or bisexual doesn't mean that you can't be in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex. As StrubbleS says, it might help to look at talking to a counsellor to explore why these feelings are troubling you so much in more depth.

Because TheSite is aimed at people aged 16 - 25 in the UK (fro your post, it sounds like you might be US-based?), it may be that our resources are not appropriate for you in terms of seeking further help. Reach Out is a website offering support to young people in the USA which may be helpful for further advice.

Sarah

Former Member

Hi Winry, it sounds like there is a lot going on in your head right now. You feel unable to control these thoughts and emotions because you feel isolated and low due to not having anyone there.

You said your at school and have no one you can properly talk to about this. Do you have a one to one counsellor who you can see at school? Do you think speaking to them might help? I understand that you don't want to speak to anyone close to you but talking to someone you dont know can help you to get things off your chest.

Also you could write down how you feel in a diary so everyday you can keep a record on how you been feeling and see wether there's a pattern to see whether your mood might need to be checked or you could use a mood app on your phone to keep a record of your mood. What do you think about that?

Hopefully in time whilst you start growing up that everything will be easier and you will know who you are eventually. Sometimes we need to realise who we are so we can stay true to ourselves without pretending to be someone else and knowing that no one can say or do anything.

Please don't feel like you need to tell your bf straight away as you need time to think. I know in time this can be talked about to closer people.

x

Former Member

Thanks for the advice. I have a huge problem with being able to talk about my negative emotions face-to-face with anyone. My school does have a counselor, but my school has been having a few confidentiality law suits, that I don't feel comfortable going in and talking to them. I am scared because I wold like to tell my boyfriend About my feelings, but I don't know how he would react. I've been trying to read up on it, but every time I try to I get upset and make myself sick over it. I feel like I'm in a corner.

Former Member

Hi Winry,

Have you considered talking to any family members that you are close with about your thoughts? It's definitely not something you should feel you have to keep behind closed doors, if you can't talk to an outsider maybe a sibling, cousin or friend would be a good idea?

Former Member

I know I should. I have friends who would be more than willing to talk about it with me. I think timing is a huge component, and i need to think and read more on what i can do for myself before i get anyone personally involved. Between this thread and the help I am getting through Reach Out (US based), I'm feeling quite a bit better! The suggestions are helping a lot, and thank you all for being so caring! Even though I don't know any of you, I look up to all of you, and I hope to pass on the kindness!

I'll definitely think about talking to someone in person about my troubles!

Former Member

Okay, so I have been reading more on bi-curiosity and bisexuality. These sources always talk about the physical sex part of relationships. If I'm not as attracted sexually but more romantically, (meaning I care much more about the emotional relationship than the physical attractions), am I considered bi-curious?

I'm sorry that I'm making continuous replies, but I'm really curious.

Former Member

Personally, I wouldn't be worrying about labelling your sexual orientation as it seems to be something impacting you negatively (you seem to be stressing over the fact you're not sure what "category" you fit under). Arguably what you're describing is being "demisexual" whereby you don't necessarily feel a physical attraction to someone unless you have an emotional connection with that person. I find you'll be much happier if you let your emotions and attractions run their course- if you're happy with your current relationship and these are just crushes then they'll pass. Don't be so hard on yourself, you can't help your emotions.

Former Member

You're right. I think I am so stuck on labeling myself, when it isn't truly necessary.

Former Member

It really truly isn't, but if you feel that talking about these emotions will help then please feel free to share your experiences and we'll do our best to support you.

Former Member

How are you feeling? You should feel like putting yourself in a group is gonna make people accept the person you are. Even if they don't like it then knowing that there opinion doesn't matter is what you should focus on.

I think it would be a good idea to think about counselling when your ready outside of school so that talking to someone in a more informal environment would help you a lot. Have you thought about seeing your GP?

I know it's hard to try and talk to someone but atleast talking to a person will help a lot. You know you can always talk to us but think there could be more support out there for you. I'm not saying talk to your bf as that's the last thing you should do but maybe a friend.

Please keep reaching out on here x

Former Member

I have been feeling better. Once in a while it gets to me. I tried getting advice on reachout.com but only a moderator responded. But that's okay. I have been seriously thinking about your advice on talking about it with someone I know. I have an old friend from high school that recently came out as being pansexual last fall, and I think that I could talk about it with her without feeling too insecure and awkward about it.

I've realized that no, I don't want to experiment. Not right now anyway, since I am in a relationship I am happy with and am monogamous.

If and when I label my sexual orientation, I already know only certain close friends would know, and that it isn't something that my family needs to know. The thing that makes me nervous is telling the people that I want to know. I know at the very least things will be VERY awkward, since I had already claimed that I was straight.

Thanks for the continuous support!

Former Member

Nietzsche wrote: »

It really truly isn't, but if you feel that talking about these emotions will help then please feel free to share your experiences and we'll do our best to support you.

In middle and high school I would get many crushes on other female classmates. As my feelings would grow, I would get a hint of jealousy whenever one of my crushes went on a date or started a relationship. I would always catch myself, and mentally scold myself for having such thoughts. Throughout high school, generally people would call such thoughts " a stage" and I figured that I was just going through a stage too.
I think that once I got to that point, I never let myself admire another female too much. I would always find things that I didn't like about her, and lie to myself that she was just like every other girl. In one case, this almost ruined a great friendship I had.
Then, this past academic year I have noticed my feelings for other females. One of them is a lesbian that is going for the same major as I am. I tried talking to her at the beginning of the year, but I immediately would feel shy, blush, and walk away feeling so embarrassed. After that, I got into a relationship and disregarded those feelings as a "single and desperate" stage.
But then, this same lesbian has gotten into a relationship with another lesbian that I was acquainted with, and even with a boyfriend I felt of hint of jealousy and disappointment.

After thinking a lot about my feelings, I realized that these weren't "stages", but something about my sexuality I was trying to hide from myself. I'm tired of lying to myself about my sexuality, but it scares me that I am not who I thought I was.

My thoughts about being with women are generally just romantic and emotional, and generally not sexual.

Former Member

It's understandable to feel a little uneasy when coming to terms with your own sexuality but honestly it really isn't anything worth stressing about. I'm sorry you felt like you had to "scold yourself" when you started developing emotions for girls/women as it's completely natural for you to experience these emotions and you shouldn't feel bad/guilty about them. I think that in the future, if your current relationship doesn't work out, it might be helpful for you to allow yourself to explore your sexuality and let these emotions run their course. You may be amazed at the happiness it could bring you.

Former Member

I think that in the future, if your current relationship doesn't work out, it might be helpful for you to allow yourself to explore your sexuality and let these emotions run their course. You may be amazed at the happiness it could bring you.

What she said. :yes: