Crippling Loneliness - who understands?

Former Member

Hello - signing up to this place is something I never dreamed of doing, ever. But here I am. I would like to speak with someone who may emphasise with the pains of being lonely (etc.), and of all the torturous rubbish that comes with such a predicament. Anyone else in their mid-twenties and socially cut-off, either because they don't follow the herd mentality of what most people consider is 'being cool' these days, or because they're constantly ignored or left behind simply because they're too deep or real as a human? Does anyone know what I mean when I say that all of this is but the tip of such an enormous iceberg?

Former Member

First of all welcome Bumblebee This place is not as scary as you may think - more helpful than anything (well that's my personal opinion).

I certainly can emphasise with you here; I think the best phrase that can be used to summise is 'trying to fit a square peg in a round hole'.

You mentioned crippling loneliness in the thread title; how is it affecting you? and have you talked to anyone about it?

Blue Skies,

K

Former Member

I can relate. In my mid-to-late 20's and a pretty lonely person. I have a few friends but still feel really lonely. Never been in a relationship so I'm sure that plays a part in it as well.

Former Member

There are weeks when I don't see anyone asides my mum and it's horrible. But the best thing is to start finding a way out of it

Former Member

Hi K - the peg idea is quite on-the-dot in explaining something like this. There are those who slide in with the rest of the crowd, superficial and shallow, with no complaint, while there are those as myself who suffer the pains of isolation for the sake of not settling for the banal. If I may ask, what is a bit of your own story? How have you coped with the echo of loneliness? For me, over the years I convinced myself to bury myself in my talent - what I am most good at, I mean, what I am able to create with pleasure and 'offer' others - but this venue of escape has started to lessen my building steam less and less. The blackness of whatever is slowly leaching on to me inside my once quite happy mind is making me more and more listless and lost in thought. I have grown horribly distant from my mother and sister. I have 'spoken' to only quacks and the constant fight to re-convince myself to go and find another, to endure the whole re-telling of what seems to be my little problems is debilitating...I come off as being lazy, as not interested in truly helping myself out of this, but I'm not - if this makes sense...it's pure pain all the time, worse some days than other. I hide it very well to all except my mother, and her pain in trying to understand my world cripples her also...

Former Member

Hi Miss Riot - how have you taught yourself to begin finding a way out, if I may know? Are you completely on your own, or does your mother share with your pains also?

Former Member

Hi Untitled - I have a friend, I think, but with him I still can't bring myself to talk about my pains of loneliness. Is this the same with you? That you hide away your pain even from those you feel are friends? And I, too, have never had a true relationship. My need and want to find someone is beyond words, but it is important to know that those of us in this position are not here because we are losers or boring or gross in any way. We are just those that for some reason must inexplicable suffer so much in the forerun before seeing and feeling what we are meant to soon experience...or at least this is what I convince myself. What do you think?

Former Member

the Bumblebee wrote: »

I have 'spoken' to only quacks and the constant fight to re-convince myself to go and find another, to endure the whole re-telling of what seems to be my little problems is debilitating...I come off as being lazy...

The power of lots of little problems can be greater than just one 'big' problem. Nothing is trivial here, everybody is different and different things affect different people differently. The portrayal of laziness/aloofness may merely by a defensive strategy to make little of your problems.

Is there anything in particular that you don't like about the 'rest of the crowd' or have you tried seeking friends/accomplices in new environments? Like trying new venues such as swapping a pub visit (assuming you visit pubs) for an arts gallery (or what ever happens to tickle your interests)?

You have recognised that your talent is not giving as much satisfaction as previously; what do you think you can do to change this?

My own story is a heavily guarded secret (except for snippets that can be seen through some of my poems/posts I posted here); but in brief you could say I have experienced life events that some regard as traumatic, and by keeping it a secret (even from dearest mother) I have isolated myself.

A coping strategy I developed much like yourself was to throw myself into study and work; doing what I enjoy. Another I have is participating in a particular extreme sport; the community is relatively small (about 9000 in the UK) and by far it has been the most welcoming I have ever experienced; they do not care for your age, size/weight, gender, sexuality, education, socio-eco background, colour or creed. In this sport there are lots of 'social square pegs' and that has been good for my introvertedness and social awkwardness.

Oh and I find random act of kindness helps; i.e at the weekend I was delivering a training package to a youth organisation in my preferred extreme sport and during lesson break I seen somebody I haven't seen at the club before so I bought an extra coffee and took it over to them and started chatting. It makes me feel less lonely and brightens up other peoples days.

Former Member

What do I not like about the 'rest of the crowd'? I absolutely despise the barrier of social media that many I have met automatically reveal about themselves, whether inadvertently or not. I am sure you know what I mean: there is such an obsession with FB, etc. that renders much of the beginning stages of first-time conversation with others as empty. Of course it is natural to be nervous or shy when meeting someone new, but it is sad that much of this nervousness and shyness nowadays is fuelled by the apparent protection that the monitor gives to FB, etc. users. Few I have met in person know what they truly want to say and end up filling up the 'awkward' silence with idiotic random comments, and to be faced with someone as myself they come to realise that real talk is almost strange and unreal to them. Quite a few times I've been told that I'm the weirdo, that I'm almost too outgoing, open and free-thinking - this is a joke, for I am not any of those things except for being someone who refuses to be a part of the virtual internet world. This I find so, so, so sad, because the constant hitting of my head against these brick walls (meaning these types of people) draws an energy from me that is far more time-consuming than it should be. And no, I don't do pubs - I always seek cultural spaces.

I did not mean to pry into your story; I doubt anyone truly scarred these days reveals even a tenth of their story on this type of domain. What you say about the defensive strategy one makes to lessen their problems is very well said, I agree. But I think that only those in this type of situation know this; outside the bubble, even the closest loved ones have to grapple with the fact that it's not apathy, but such a deep pool of black turmoil in which occasional drowning is almost inviting.

You say that you have isolated yourself. In a way, I too. I emphasise with your form of masking this isolation in helping others, with the dual role that it sporadically makes you feel less lonely. Though, have you come across someone yet who recognises these symptoms in you? Who may have the potential in slowly scraping away your Iron Curtain so to speak? I only ask because I always hope to know that another as myself may not always stay isolated, that there are those who do see past our thick walls.

I am glad for you that you have a physical outlet so as to release a bit of this. My own outlet/talent needs recognition, I think, which is why I am failing to see it myself anymore, as if I've been lying to myself the whole time. I don't know if this is too much, but I would like to suggest a film that I recently discovered: Sparrows Dance (2012). It is for you to judge and see whether it 'ticks' any of your question mark boxes...

Former Member

I found a way out by getting involved in things online and meeting people offline because of it, I also sometimes just go to a coffee shop and start a conversation, or wherever I am and see where it goes. I probably only have one very good friend, the rest are friends of friends or my boyfriends friends. Occupying myself is really important as well, as well as mindfulness and just being present in the moment rather than thinking about what ifs.

Former Member

Hi BumbleBee, welcome to the site. I'm thinking why the name? Sorry I need to say that I'm scared of Bees so I was nerves to reply to u if ur scary lol

I know all of us on the planet can get lonely from time to time and that's normal. That feeling will never really go away but it's how often that becomes a regular thing. Loneliness can be not having any friends, being on ur own, having no one to talk to etc. These all do play apart in our lives somehow.

None of us like being alone which is understandae but do we have to be alone? No we don't cuz the way I see it is there will always be someone who's there for u and maybe being going through a worser time then urself.

As u said BumbleBee we dont necessarily need to follow the crowd because everyone is doing it and its cool. It's good to be different as why do u want to be like everyone else? I know sometimes it can mean we will be judged for it or not liked but as long we are comfortable with ourselves then that's what matters.

When is it that u feel lonely BumbleBee? What do u do to not feel lonely?

Remember that ur not on ur own and were here as we understand. Good to know that u found this place to meet people and get advice.

I hope u get the help u need x

Former Member

Thank you, CrazyCat - the loneliness I've felt for years is deep, it is difficult to define as 'when' it's strongest and 'when' it's not. You're very right that this type of thing will generally never go away after it's found such a settled niche in someone's mind for a long time, but I suppose only time and my methods of seeking a bit of friendly light will only show the true outcome. And no, I'm not scary (or at least I hope not) - I only use 'the Bumblebee' as a kind of nod to an actor I respect. Again, thank you for your words.

Former Member

Your not scary at all I think it was just the name the BumbleBee lol.

You said u felt like this for a long time. Has anything driven u to feel like this? Maybe u went through a bad time at one point or there was a change in ur life which put ur world up side down? I can see that u may not know how u actually feel either way cuz u cant explain it because most of the time u feel lonely.

I do think it will never go away how u truely feel but it's not to say u can't have a bit of happiness in ur life for example being around people who care and can cheer u up etc. I know ur mood won't be able toreflect that though u know u can let ur hair down sometimes with other people. You dont need to be in a good mood to do that.

Are u able to talk to someone like ur doing right now? I know it's not for everyone and u don't have to do anything u don't want to . I just dont wanna see u upset as ur a good friend of mine on here and I care about u. You can talk to me anytime BumbleBee

Please talk to me if u need to speak to someone.

Hugs xx