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Sad face

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
:wave:

Sorry I know I don't really post much any more. I'm really not expecting advice or answers or anything, perhaps just a hug or two from the people who know me. Things are hard. I miss my dad. My day job isn't a distraction, it's a BAM in your face sort of thing.

I really want to be at home with my mum, but I can't. I need to return to some normality. I'm trying to go home as often as I can, but that will only be every 3 or so weeks. It's always mega hard coming back again too.

I'm still so sad about the way my dad died. I'm gutted that his cancer spread to his brain and that we lost the real him 9 months ago. Without even knowing that that was the cause, because no one did a scan until recently. And I'm gutted that actually when it came to it, his death was unexpected and that I didn't get to say goodbye to him when he was conscious. Also sad that actually, his death at that time may have been preventable.

I feel traumatized to some extent. The weekend he spent in hospital was traumatic. Adrenaline kept me going but it was horrible. From the call I received with the bad news when I was 250 miles away, arriving 5 hours later in his hospital side room and seeing him so unwell in person. Seeing him decline. Spending the night by myself on a mattress in his room, but too scared to fall asleep in case he died whilst I was asleep. And then watching him die.

At the moment they are all the memories I have. The distressing memories from the hospital and also how hard life was for him in the past 9 months.

It's not like I'm in crisis, and I know that this is just normal grief. I just wish I didn't have to get on with my life at the same time. I wish I could be at home, spending time with my family. Or even if I was here but able to spend time the way I want... going for walks outdoors, spending lots of time with my friends. University / work isn't a distraction and that's what is so difficult. I also feel like I'm a scatterbrain and totally unorganized, which just isn't like me.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Biggest hug goes to u yellow :( I know how it feels with gran parants I went threw the same I didn't get a chance to say byevto them :(
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    *hug* yellow

    I can't even pretend to understand how you feel and what it is that you're going through.

    Make sure you take time for yourself, lovely :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    angel wrote: »
    Biggest hug goes to u yellow :( I know how it feels with gran parants I went threw the same I didn't get a chance to say byevto them :(

    Hate to say it, but you don't know how it feels.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    plugitin wrote: »
    *hug* yellow

    I can't even pretend to understand how you feel and what it is that you're going through.

    Make sure you take time for yourself, lovely :heart:


    Cheers. Had my dinner in front of half an hour of TV and am feeling marginally brighter.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hate to say it, but you don't know how it feels.

    Yes, it's different, imo. My Granddad died from cancer. I'm not going to pretend I understand how you feel. I know I don't.

    I have nothing useful to add really. But I do hope you're coping as well as can be expected.

    Are work aware of how you're feeling?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Much of what you're describing is grief. Totally expected and understandable grief. It doesn't mean you're going downhill, or being weak, or anything like that. Do University and/or your placement know what's happening at the moment? If not try and lean on them a bit if you can. I know you probably don't want to take time out so close to the end of the course, but that's not what I mean.

    Also make sure you do the basics properly: keep eating, drinking, exercising, sleeping, stay in routine. I'm sure you know all that.

    Hug? Hug.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Much of what you're describing is grief. Totally expected and understandable grief. It doesn't mean you're going downhill, or being weak, or anything like that. Do University and/or your placement know what's happening at the moment? If not try and lean on them a bit if you can. I know you probably don't want to take time out so close to the end of the course, but that's not what I mean.

    Also make sure you do the basics properly: keep eating, drinking, exercising, sleeping, stay in routine. I'm sure you know all that.

    Hug? Hug.

    Cheers. I think I know it's not anything more than grief. I think I just wish that my 'life situation' was more compatible with grieving ;) University know, placement does not.

    Think it will help when I can get back to the gym to let off some steam. Unfortunately one of my post-op wounds is not in good shape and is still rather painful, seeing someone about it tomorrow though, so hopefully heading in the right direction.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm so close to giving up. :no:

    I'm not trying to be over dramatic, and I'm not talking about suicide. I can't carry on with this 'normality' when things are so damn hard. I want to just hide from everything and have zero external stresses and responsibilities. I can't do anything else apart from grieve.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you have anyone you can speak to?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you talked to your tutor about it?

    It might not be the way you want to go, but I know a couple of people who deferred a year under similar circumstances.

    Otherwise, grief is very natural. It's tiring, it's all consuming at times, and there's no magical solution. Overtime, just existing gets easier, you sleep better, you become less tired, and on average each day is just a little bit better than the last.

    You're doing brilliantly, don't beat yourself up / and get out on that beach at every opportunity you get. With a blanket, a book, and headphones if needed.

    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys

    My tutor is extremely unhelpful, hate seeing her. But am seeing my GP on Monday. Have a 4 day week this week and then a week off, so hopefully can make it through the next few days without a melt down anyway :)

    Good beach plan Scary. I still resent that the beaches here aren't as good as where I used to live, but I guess I just need to get over it ;) As average beach > no beach.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi yellowseahorse, im sorry how ur feeling. I know these feelings and emotions will never go away. As u just said its because ur greving.

    Your dad was very much close to ur heart which is devasting to know the outcome on what happened. Knowing that u kept all those happy memories with u is something that can be treasured together and even with ur family who knew him two.

    I know its very hard for u to move on. There isnt a time frame from when u should move on with ur life as everyone deals with grieving in different ways. Its a shame u dont get to see ur family alot due to the distance u know they will always be at the end of the phone.

    Please dont deal with pain alone. You have us to listen and be there for u and thats all u said u need. Were always here for u and remember that Im sure ur dad wouldnt want u to be on ur own and unhappy.

    Im here if u wanna talk

    Hugs xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn. Rubbish tutor isn't really what you need right now.

    If you've got a 4 day week this week then essentially you're already 40% if the way through - given that you're used to doing 5 day weeks.

    Bite size chunks. Get through these remaining 3 days, look after yourself through them, and then treat yourself to a break. Some walks in the fresh air, some early nights and some lie ins.

    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This may sound harsh, but in a way its better that you are feeling all of this now, as horrible as it is, than carrying on as normal and then it suddenly hitting you in the face when you least expect it months or years down the line. Just remember to be kind and gentle to yourself, and right now everyone else can go do one, you are entitled to compassionate leave in situations like this, and if you need it, take it! Don't be worried about what anyone else says right now, its your time for processing all of it and working through the grief. Rubbish tutor will just have to deal with it! Lots of hugs and like scary has said - take it all in bite sized chunks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :no:

    It's been just over 3 months now.

    I wish my life could just slow down a bit so I have time to grieve more. Big changes are happening over the next few months - I only have less than 5 weeks left of uni. I'm permanently anxious and I don't know how to deal with that - it's not something that has majorly affected me in the past.

    I'm doing all the right things, doing lots with friends, exercise 5 times a week, eating well, trying to sleep the right amount.

    I think I might take the day off tomorrow and visit my GP.

    I don't really know what I want. I think anxiety is a big problem for me at the moment, and whilst I can't change what has happened, the other things going on in my life or the fact that I need to grieve, I wish I could get rid of that.

    Random thoughts tonight
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm at a loss of what to say to you Yellow, but I wanted to acknowledge this and give you a hug *hug*

    How are you doing today? Did you manage to get a GP appointment?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Ella.

    Not very well today :no:

    GP runs the crap service where you have to call up on the day to get appointment and then wait for doctor to phone you back and then they can give you appointment if needed. I called up as soon as it opened (08.30) and then spent the whole day waiting to be called back, and they called me back about 5 mins ago which obviously is too late to go in for an appointment. I've now missed a whole day of placement AND not talked to anyone about how I'm feeling. Total waste of a day.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't underestimate the emotional effects of ending uni after five years, it is a really big change. It's going to feel strange and it is normal to feel shit with it, even before your grief.

    Good luck with the GP appointment. Just don't beat yourself up or feel like a failure because you're anxious and sad. It doesn't diminish what you're feeling to say it is an understandable reaction to everything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everything Arctic and Ella said.

    And it's not a waste of a day. It's been a day off. It's been a small break. It's given you a chance.

    I was terrified when got close to leaving uni, so don't underestimate that one. Even without everything else. Like you said, you're doing everything right. Hang in there. Keep looking after yourself, you're doing a storming job.

    Does your campus have a chaplain? They might be worth a natter with. Most uni chaplains aren't fussed whether you're into god or not, but they're good for a chat, some reassurance and a cup of tea. Sounds a bit like that might help a wee bit at the moment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys.

    I managed to get a GP appointment on Monday, and I've started taking beta-blockers. Not really sure they're helping, but still plodding on. Yesterday was really hard, I hardly slept and then essentially spent 4 hours getting myself worked up in the morning. But I still made it out of the house and forced myself to do what I needed to do.

    I've tried to be open with some of my friends which has helped a bit. They're keen to help in whatever ways they can, so that's really positive. I've always been quite outgoing and confident in front of people (and well still am) and so there's been a lot of "I never would have guessed...." so I guess it was good that I said something. They are also good at validating my worries but making me feel better about them at the same time.

    I've also met a new guy, which is great. Definitely trying to keep it fun and casual at the moment, so no unloading any baggage! Relationships seem to take their toll on my mental health, so I'm trying to be really careful. I'm hoping it's good for me though!

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You may find that the beta blockers start helping after a few weeks or so.

    It's nice to hear you sounding positive :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know it's really hard right now but your doing well when I know your trying to hold it together.

    You don't need to pretend to people that your ok when your not. Your grieving and that's normal. Please to don't think that you need to get over it or get on with your life because how can you when it won't be the same no more.

    You know you always got your family and your friends. That's the most important thing right now and it's a shame you cant see them much but spending time with them as much as you can is the the only answer.

    When your not at home do you talk to your friends about your feeling? If not do they ask how your feeling?

    Remember none of this is your fault and you couldn't stop anything what was going to happen so dont blame yourself.

    We're here for you x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done missy. Sounds like you're doing a storming job of looking after yourself.

    Talking to friends can be a surprising help, on any number of topics. Even if they can't fix anything, and just agree that it's a pretty shit situation - at least you know that you're not going nuts.

    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think trying to talk to a friend is really important right now. I'm sure they will be there to listen and try and help.

    I know griveing is already enough only you don't need to go through it on your own.

    Remember to keep strong and postive

    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Having one of those evenings when I just feel sick with grief. 4 months tomorrow and part of me just can't bear time moving on.
    I feel like it's past the point of being able to talk to people about it. There's nothing friends can really say.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's ok to miss someone you know. More than ok, you'd be less normal if you never missed him at all.

    There might be nothing friends can really say to help, but just talking might help sometimes.

    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think talking to anyone if that includes friends can help. They may not understand properly what your going through but they can at least be there for you.

    I think trying to keep busy is a good thing right now ie investing in reading, watching films, listening to your favourite music or writing.

    Remember that we may not know exactly what your going through but we have all ended up losing a loved one so the way your feeling right now is normal.

    You might want to check out this website on grieving.

    www.childbereavement.org

    I hope that helps x
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