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Can't deal with this crap anymore

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
My life is shit! End of. No one cares. They may say they do but they clearly don't. Since I left college, not one of my "friends" have contacted me to see how I am. I could be dead for all they know. Nice to know I'd be missed if I was...

As for my other friends, well... According to them I'm selfish, cold hearted and have little disregard for anyone else lives. They'd be right wouldn't they.

And my carers? They're just disappointed in me. I'm a MASSIVE disappointment. I know that. Don't need them to tell me.

What people don't get is I'm struggling at the minute. Take all this ^ crap away and my life would still be shit. While I'm awake I battle with flashbacks, me being fat, people staring and laughing at me, not wanting to go out in case I bump into one of my many abusers. When I'm asleep I have nightmares (flashback type dreams). I have no safe place

So yeah... I'm doing great!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Becki

    Things sound really crap right now *hug* Unless someone has gone through a period of time when they're struggling so badly, it can be very hard to relate to how it feels. In turn, that can make struggling badly a lonely and scary experience. At the moment it seems like you've very overwhelmed with feeling that you're not cared about; I want to reassure you that you are cared about here.

    From my own experiences of being your age, I think that people can be very fickle and unless a person is right there in front of their face 24/7, they sort of get forgotten. That isn't a reflection of you, more on what modern day life is about. Obviously I don't know your friends from college, but it could be that they don't know what to say to you, because you are conscious of the fact that you probably don't want gossip or jokes from college shoved in your face. How about dropping one of them a text just asking how they are doing?

    I also think your other friends are very wrong. So according to me, you are kind, considerate, supportive and brave. I hope you know me well enough to realise that I'm not going to bullshit and say things for the sake of it ;)

    Why do your carers think you're a disappointment?

    Have you got techniques which may help with flashbacks? The grounding technique can help.

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Ella. I've messaged each one of them and they've 'seen' the message and not replied... I knew they didn't like me anyway because they never used to invite me out or to parties etc.
    See when people say that it doesn't feel like they're talking to me.. Sounds stupid I know. The 'negatives' I believe because I know they're true.
    I've quit college so they're disappointed I'm not this 'star student' they tried to make me into..
    Yeah I try to ground myself but when they're really intense its hard to
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    See when people say that it doesn't feel like they're talking to me.. Sounds stupid I know. The 'negatives' I believe because I know they're true.

    This doesn't sound stupid. It's something which resonates very closely with me and I'm sure with lots of other people too. Negative comments often attack subjects we are more sensitive about, meaning we are more likely to remember them. The more you focus on them, the harder it is to believe the positive comments. Other people can and do see positives in you and we will keep reminding you.

    College isn't everything. I know, it's easy for me to say that, but when I dropped out of 6th form I felt similar because I wasn't doing what people wanted or what I was capable of. Seven years later and after taking the longer route to where I am now, I have finally realised that going to college aged 17 or 18 is not everything. In going to go against everything with is advised by career types but there is a whole world out there. Experience it. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But don't learn for the sake of learning, if it's not of interest or help. This is your life. You also had very valid reasons for dropping out of college and it doesn't have to be a forever. You are a capable young woman who has made a sensible and mature choice to postpone/stop something which right now isn't practical because of health.

    You're still young Becki, I'm not saying that in a patronising way, but you have time to decide what you want to do. From my view point, I think the priority is reaching more stable ground for you and considering how that can be made possible.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Ella x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Things have gotten bad again to the point I'm now virtually couch surfing! Great going Bex. Urg
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Couch surfing is clearly the way to go...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bex I am SO sorry things are really crap for you. But I'm glad I know where things are at with you so I can keep up with you. Because I want to know how you are. I care about you. I know you don't feel like anyone does, but we do. I can't do much to show it but I will try more. I am your friend and I care so much about you. I know things are tough now, but they do get better. I spent nearly a year sofa surfing and it was horrendous i'm not going to lie. But then I got a place in a hostel for 2 years from which I got my own flat and i've been here a year next week. Scary how times move on. You'll get through every chapter, because you're stronger than you realise and you're braver than you will ever believe. You're so thoughtful and caring and considerate - a wonderful friend. You have a few people in your life who'd like to be a friend to you too, just need to let them in bex. Allow yourself to lean on other people willing to lend a hand. Love you xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Rach ❤ You don't know how much that means.

    Things have been sorted out and as of 8o clock this morning I'm allowed to go back to my placement. Not that I feel safe there like but at least I'm not homeless. Its only temporary until I find a place of my own which is fine.

    Thanks for being ever supportive x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Physical things may have sorted themselves out, but the thoughts and feelings I'm having is just immense. Stupid brain
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Becki :wave:

    Just wanted to stop by and see how you were getting on? Have you had much luck finding a place of your own?

    Just want you to know we care about you and thinking of you :yes:

    X
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckiBoo wrote: »
    Physical things may have sorted themselves out, but the thoughts and feelings I'm having is just immense. Stupid brain

    I'm not sure what to say Becki but I know how negatively powerful and frustrating thoughts can be and that in itself is an awful lot for you to cope with, let alone everything else that's going on, so I just wanted to drop in and offer you a massive hug *hug* hang in there, the fact you're dealing with all of this (and in a very mature manner might I add) shows sheer strength and determination - you should be so proud of yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you guys. Can't see things getting any better but hey ho. That's life
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Never say never Becki - nobody knows what the future holds *hug*
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