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Pathetic excuse...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm feeling shit. I'm just wanting to curl up and ignore the world. I've got all my self destructive thoughts coming through (I'm even playing my self destruct song which unfortunately happens to be go with the flow by QOTSA which is a bloody great song) I don't really have reasons (I have a safe and secure home, I have money coming in which covers the basics and I'm not up to my neck in debt, I have a boyfriend who supports me and loves me, same for my ma) for feeling like this but at the same time I have a load of reasons (I'm essentially in an LDR even though I see him Fri-Mon and I desperately want to be closer to him even if I not living with him, I'm worried about this possible upcoming court case, I can't get any therapy because it could jepodise the case, ma & me are still arguing a fair bit, I'm still in pain (not as much though) all the time but theres fuck all I can do about it and I'm just trying to get myself back to the stage of being able to live life like a fairly functional person, my spirituality has totally taken a backseat, I feel like I have no close friends any more, I feel like I have failed at everything that I have ever put my hand to, I'm living in a town I hate and constantly trying to avoid people from my past, I can never finish any project I start). Just listening to the lyrics of Down by Suede and it feels like it just is written for me right now.
All the people in your life say you're down
And the strangers in the night say you're down
And the loonies on the right say you're down and you're down
And the ambulances sigh that you're down
And the traffic speeding by says you're down
And the people in your life say you're down and you're down
Hey you chase the day away
Hey you draw the blinds and blow your mind away
And there's a sadness in your style
And there's a blankness in your smile

and now I just feel like I'm being overly dramatic and should just have a slap and snap out of it and stop living life like a molycodled child when I'm 25, never had a permenant full time job, never driven a car, nothing major to show of 25 years of fucking struggle and I feel so empty towards myself. I have so much love for MrRiot, and ma and Little one, but right now I couldn't give a shite towards myself. I'm really angry I haven't managed to get my uni application in yet which might mean I miss out on research council funding (which would cover my PhD as well).

Theres so much self hate brewing up inside me and I don't know what to do with myself.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Am 26 and feel similar, always something in the way whether physical, emotional or family stuff. But, I know this might sound cheesy but it sounds like you go through so much but you're still here and you keep going which I think is amazing. It helps to relate to song lyrics like you have, I've been listening to Linkin Park lately. One thing that might help is to lie down and relax on the floor and cover yourself with a blanket, then focus on your breathing and when your mind wonders to all the crap stuff, bring it back to feeling the sensations as you breath. It is a great thing to do, I learned it in yoga class. Failing that, keep letting it out on here. I hope you start to feel better soon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One thing I notice is as my physical health improves my mental health takes a turn for the worse. It's like I have an internal attention seeker who must stick out from the crowd even if it means there being something defective with me. I personally don't see much achievement in just existing, Amoeba just exist yet they have no brain or capacity to do much other than eat, reproduce, excrete, repeat until death.

    I need to do some mindfulness (which is much like what you've been taught in your yoga class), I've got so many sodding books on it but actually putting into practice is really hard.

    Thank you for responding, I kind of feel like I've had my time on here and I should stop posting about my shit but I've got no where else to go with it all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    spent all day in bed with sinus pain etc...just feels like its another excuse to not get things done. I know I'm grinding myself down but theres nothing telling me any different.

    bloody stuck!
  • SarahRSarahR Mod Posts: 213 Settling in
    Hi Miss_Riot

    I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much at the moment. It sounds like you've got a lot going on and you're frustrated that your mood has taken a dive when you need all the energy you can get. Depression and anxiety can unfortunately strike regardless of what's happening, so when you say you don't feel you have a reason to feel this way, that's completely normal (although very frustrating).

    You mentioned a few positive things in your original post, such as having a safe and secure home, money coming in and a supportive family. It's good that you can recognise these things, even if they're not making you feel better at the moment. Sometimes when things are going a little bit better, depressive feelings can feel even worse than normal because you're able to see how much better things could be in the future. It sounds like you're facing a struggle between the part of you which can recognise how far you've come and the part of you which knows how much further there is to go.

    You also mentioned a deadline coming up for your uni application which obviously will be adding to your stressful feelings. It sounds like your PhD is very important to you (which is again a positive thing). Breaking down the application into small parts may make it easier to tackle it bit by bit. It's very hard to concentrate on such a mammoth task when you're feeling so low, but it sounds like it would be very beneficial for you to receive this funding.

    I'm sorry to hear you've also had some problems with your physical health - it sounds like you feel you aren't able to get some rest in order to get through it because of everything you've got on your plate. It can be hard to show yourself some kindness when you feel you don't deserve it, but this may go a long way to helping you recover quickly (even if it's just a few kind thoughts at a time).

    I hope this is a little helpful and do let us know how you're getting on.

    Sarah
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