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26 year old virgin and... not bothered?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys, looking for a bit of advice here.

I'm 26 (I'm a girl), still a virgin, and have never been in a relationship. I'm an outgoing person and generally I'm pretty comfortable around men - in fact most of my best mates are guys and I tend to be very much a 'one of the lads' kind of person (even though I'm short, tiny and female, lol). My lifetime experience with the opposite sex has pretty much been just a bit of making out in clubs, and nothing much more. I did sort-of-date a guy for a few months a couple of years back, but found the experience very awkward and pretty stressful (though kinda nice), and I can safely say I have only ever had FEELINGS for one man ever - unfortunately, even though he felt the same way about me, he was married, so that was a bit of a silly idea. That guy was the only man I've ever thought I could have sex with.

Which is the thing. I have a VERY healthy sex drive. I masturbate and watch porn pretty much daily. But I am really not very keen on actually having sex. Nor even being in a relationship. I'm just... not interested? I'm in no rush at all. Like, I think it would be nice to be in a relationship, but in the grand scale of things I could be bothered about, sex and relationships are really very close to the bottom.

Up until now, I've really not been worried about that. Not at ALL. I've been so comfortable with it. For years I've thought that maybe I just hadn't met the right person, and one would come along eventually, and that would be fine. I'm a very independent person in all areas of life, and I'm always comfortable with doing anything on my own - in fact, I often prefer it. I'm really not big on commitment and am very wary of messing with my own emotions, which tends to make me ridiculously sensible and I don't easily make big decisions. So I thought that one day perhaps I'm not naturally inclined to 'coupling', but one day the right person would come along, and something would go 'boom' and that would be that.

But, uh, it isn't happening. I feel totally stupid for asking this, because this is something I've been comfortable with ALL MY LIFE, but does anyone reckon there's something wrong with me? (oh lol) Do I need to make some kind of EFFORT here (though I really don't want to)? Or shall I just forget about it all again, get on with my life, and hope that I'm still not a virgin when I'm 40? :rolleyes:



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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for sharing your story, I found it very interesting.

    There is nothing wrong with not wanting to find someone. I was with a girl who I was having sex with and that was really good, but she was not affectionate and found the idea of a relationship hard to deal with, that's just how she was, she said she never loved anyone.

    But you say that you did like a guy once, so you are seemingly up for the idea of a close relationship with the right person, so hang on in there, and if it happens it happens.

    I would say just carry on with how things are, if you don't want to, then don't.
    If you do want to test the water, maybe try to go on some dates through Tinder or something, and see how it goes.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Congratulations, I guess? I mean is sounds preferable to being hung up and therefore upset and stressed out with the quest of losing one's virginity. A mindset that prevents unnecessary emotional anguish is a good thing to have.

    If you still want to have the experience eventually it would already help by getting into situations where you are approachable. Sitting in your castle and letting the hair hang out the window for a prince to climb up has a lower chance of success than participating in social functions with other people, if you know what I am saying.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey gsnarx,

    Some good advice here :yes:

    Being in a relationship is a pressure that's put on us from the media, our families, friends and in fact if it's not a priority for you right now then there is nothing wrong with that.

    It's worth checking out this strong independence and just have a think about what it means to you? I wonder if there is any fear of relationships there? There may well not be, but I just thought I'd ask. From the way you describe yourself you sound like you're happy in yourself which is great!

    I'm guessing as you posted this that perhaps part of you is starting to feel like it might be nice to experience a relationship so as Strubbles points out rather than waiting for it to happen and the 'boom' moment occurring, you might want to think about taking up some new opportunities to meet new people and see what happens?

    Either way, certainly don't beat yourself up. There are more people than you think that haven't lost their virginity at 26 and if you've waited until now then it's worth holding out until it feels right for you.

    Equally if you feel you might be holding yourself back and you're not sure why then have a think about talking this through with someone that you trust? Or indeed, keep talking to us here :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, maybe you're asexual? Like as in, not feeling like having sex with someone. There is also the term grey asexual, which is not feeling like having sex with someone unless you're emotionally invested in them. I am myself asexual, sex isn't appealing to me, and I don't feel there's anything wrong with that. You shouldn't force yourself to do something you don't want to do just because it's considered "normal".

    There is also the term being aromantic, not falling in love with people, and is independent of asexuality, by which I mean you can be aromantic and heterosexual, liking to have sex but not falling in love. You can also be biromantic and asexual, falling in love with people but not wanting to have sex (that's what I am)

    Honestly there are so many different sexualities that you can mix and match until you find something that matches you. Don't try to change yourself to fit a certain mould. You should decide your labels, not the other way around.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some great words here. Totally agree with StrubbleS that your mindset sounds a hell of a lot less stressful than most! :) And certainly do not beat yourself up about this, as Jo says. I do not think there is anything *wrong* with you.

    Just wanted to throw the term demisexual in here:
    In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners."

    Maybe this could explain the lack of general sexual attraction to other people? :chin:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Laurie,

    Thank you for your post and your honesty. It sounds like you are giving yourself a rather hard time on the subject, I sense you are feeling confused about your feelings around sex and relationships - as Jo says try not to be too hard on yourself.

    We all have priorities in life about what is important for us, for some having a relationship is of high importance but for others it is not. What feels right for one person may feel quite different for the next person.

    It sounds like for a long time you were content with the view that you would meet someone when the time was right, and I'm just wondering whether anything has happened recently for you feelings to change?

    Keep on posting :)
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