Is there a formula for a happy relationship?

Danny!

In our recent “The 9 Biggest Myths About 'Happy' Couples” thread, we put together a list of things that are often believed to be essential for a happy relationship, but can often be misleading, or even plain wrong. For example, “Happy couples never argue” and “Happy couples never wonder if they've made the right choice”.

I wondered whether there was an equivalent list of relationship “truths”. Are there certain things that a happy relationship has to have? (such as love, or monogamy, or having the same interests …).

Is it possible to build a formula for a happy relationship?

Former Member

I think the most vital thing in a relationship is complete trust - with that comes everything else such as freedom, love, happiness.

Cat88

I think it's trust, honesty and openness. I know it's cheesy but I also think it's a lot of stuff that's in marriage vows..i.e. love each other, be there through the good and bad etc.

I also think differences are good - I think people who are too similar don't always last.

That's just me though

Former Member

Cat88 wrote: »

I think it's trust, honesty and openness. I know it's cheesy but I also think it's a lot of stuff that's in marriage vows..i.e. love each other, be there through the good and bad etc.

I also think differences are good - I think people who are too similar don't always last.

That's just me though

But you don't want to be so different that you have nothing in common, which was an issue I had with someone. I had virtually nothing in common with him.

Former Member

Communication, trust, loyalty, honesty, tact, making time for each other, mantaining a physical element to the relationship (note physical doesn't have to be sexual), speaking up about things that grind you down, not using each other as your personal therapist, not spending 24/7 with each other, setting and respecting boundaries, remembering the little things, keeping up the level of desire and making it known to the other partner.

Thats all I can think of for now!

Danny!

butterfly123 wrote: »

I think the most vital thing in a relationship is complete trust - with that comes everything else such as freedom, love, happiness.

I think trust is a really important foundation for a relationship, and it's something that you've all suggested. It's interesting the idea of complete trust - maybe some of it comes down to faith in a person? We never know everything about someone and what might happen in the future, but there's something really powerful in putting your faith in someone - and them in you.

Danny!

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Communication, trust, loyalty, honesty, tact, making time for each other, mantaining a physical element to the relationship (note physical doesn't have to be sexual), speaking up about things that grind you down, not using each other as your personal therapist, not spending 24/7 with each other, setting and respecting boundaries, remembering the little things, keeping up the level of desire and making it known to the other partner.

I'm interested that there are two pairs here that require finding a balance between two extremes:

• making time for each other BUT not spending 24/7 with each other
• speaking up about things that grind you down BUT not using each other as your personal therapist

Maybe it's harder to find a formula as the right middle point is different for different people, and doesn't always match within couples?

Former Member

I don't think for that element there is a formula other than one unique to each couple. And I don't think it needs to match but the needs of the other person need to be at least respected if they cannot be met.

Danny!

Miss_Riot wrote: »

And I don't think it needs to match but the needs of the other person need to be at least respected if they cannot be met.

I think that's a really good point We can't always match the other person, and might even disagree with their position, but it's really important to respect their needs and take them seriously. That can be enough to make things good without having to make massive compromises.

Former Member

Danny! wrote: »

I think trust is a really important foundation for a relationship, and it's something that you've all suggested. It's interesting the idea of complete trust - maybe some of it comes down to faith in a person? We never know everything about someone and what might happen in the future, but there's something really powerful in putting your faith in someone - and them in you.

Exactly and I think it's something that would take an incredible leap - it's almost as if you're putting a lot of self-confidence into that relationship when deciding whether to put your faith in someone. As you say, we never know everything about someone and what might happen in the future and I think putting that faith in someone is powerful, like you say, but I also think it can cause an awful lot of pressure and many expectations so if it becomes clear that you've made the wrong choice then it can be extremely damaging for both the relationship and yourself - it's as though it could tell you that you were so wrong to have even an ounce of confidence which can obviously cause a big amount of self-hate which can then escalate.

Relationships can be complicated things!

Danny!

butterfly123 wrote: »

Relationships can be complicated things!

They certainly can!

Former Member

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Communication, trust, loyalty, honesty, tact, making time for each other, mantaining a physical element to the relationship (note physical doesn't have to be sexual), speaking up about things that grind you down, not using each other as your personal therapist, not spending 24/7 with each other, setting and respecting boundaries, remembering the little things, keeping up the level of desire and making it known to the other partner.

I completely agree with this!

Also, I feel that the article is very true and more people need to aknowledge that nothing is perfect in this world (maybe except the beautiful nature we have ;D ), which means neither any realtionships are! We fight, we make love, we are silent for a while, we are happy, we are powerful, we are a bit of everything! It is completely normal (as long as it is a healthy relationship)! and I love it! Because life would be boring without all these 'spices' we can add..

Former Member

I completely agree with this post. Your spot on Miss_Riot!

Former Member

There is no certain formula for any relationship it's different for everyone what works for some doesn't work for others because we're all different but every relationship has to have the basic things like love and trust

Former Member

Yea, but what is trust is broken, how do you ever restore it? I mean no matter how hard you try, just one little thing can take you all the way back to when the trust was broken. I dont know how to get past it.

Danny!

GaNavyBean wrote: »

Yea, but what is trust is broken, how do you ever restore it? I mean no matter how hard you try, just one little thing can take you all the way back to when the trust was broken. I dont know how to get past it.

Hi GaNavyBean, welcome to the boards Rebuilding trust can be really hard, and it can feel like any mistake takes you back to the beginning. But it is possible. Sometimes it can help to focus on any progress you do make, even if it's slow. So that if you can move "two steps forward and one step back", that's still progress, and that's still positive.

It sounds like you might have a difficult relationship situation yourself, is that something you'd like to talk more about? Maybe you could start a new thread on restoring trust?

In the meantime, this article has some really good tips on building trust in a relationship (it's written for people in long-distance relationships, but I think it applies to many situations).