“Backburner” relationships – keeping someone you fancy on hold

Danny!

I hadn't heard this term before, but a “backburner” relationship is where you keep in contact casually with someone who you have some romantic or sexual interest in, but aren’t in a rush to do anything about right now. It could be because you're already in a relationship, or single but not in a hurry, and keeping your options open.

Facebook and other social networks make this easier than it used to be.

Do you stay in touch with people you might fancy in case you might want to hook up with them at a later point?

Have you done this in the past? Did something stop you doing it (for example meeting someone extra-special, or feeling guilty)?

**helen**

I've seen people doing this - where they sometimes don't even let certain mates know they're seeing someone so that they can keep them warm...

Former Member

My poor brothers been a victim of this for the past few years. He's besotted with this girl and she supposedly likes him, they sometimes hang out and share a bed and he'll go to visit her at uni so presumably they're sleeping together. But they never get into a relationship and he just hangs back while she just jumps from boyfriend to boyfriend all the while keeping my brother hanging in hope. He of course won't see sense though.

Danny!

Ballerina wrote: »

My poor brothers been a victim of this for the past few years. He's besotted with this girl and she supposedly likes him, they sometimes hang out and share a bed and he'll go to visit her at uni so presumably they're sleeping together. But they never get into a relationship and he just hangs back while she just jumps from boyfriend to boyfriend all the while keeping my brother hanging in hope. He of course won't see sense though.

That's a really tough one - it's hard to get over someone and move on when they show some interest. I think often in these situations you can't persuade the person to see what's happening. It's always worth a go, and it's good to know that you've tried. But he'll have to come to a realisation himself in the end. I know it can be frustrating to have to watch while someone keeps putting themselves in a position that you know isn't healthy for them

Former Member

Thought a while about this posting on this thread, not wanting to seem callous or insensitive but yes I think at times I've done this.

After an ex broke up with me a few years ago we stayed in touch and after we'd drifted back to being reasonable friends I kept her 'on hold' for the best part of a year - I enjoyed her company but was worried about getting hurt again so didn't actively try to pursue a relationship with her. On the other hand I didn't want to put her off the idea of a relationship with me. Hence when I ended up seeing someone new I ensured she didn't know (Facebook has wonderful tools to help with this...) and for some reason she never asked me directly. That carried on for a few months but eventually three things became apparent to me a) my feelings for my ex were always going to be more than the feelings for the girl I was in a relationship with b) there was too much going wrong with that relationship anyway c) there was a good chance I could get back with my ex. So I broke up with the girl I was seeing and sure enough ended up back with my ex. Needless to say my ex ended up hurting me all over again.

Of course, from the point of view of the girl I had been seeing I was a cheater (although I certainly didn't physically, and didn't intentionally emotionally). They do say the road to hell is paved with good intention and karma being what it is I now haven't been in a relationship for over 3 years...

Danny!

krng wrote: »

Thought a while about this posting on this thread, not wanting to seem callous or insensitive but yes I think at times I've done this.

After an ex broke up with me a few years ago we stayed in touch and after we'd drifted back to being reasonable friends I kept her 'on hold' for the best part of a year - I enjoyed her company but was worried about getting hurt again so didn't actively try to pursue a relationship with her. On the other hand I didn't want to put her off the idea of a relationship with me. Hence when I ended up seeing someone new I ensured she didn't know (Facebook has wonderful tools to help with this...) and for some reason she never asked me directly. That carried on for a few months but eventually three things became apparent to me a) my feelings for my ex were always going to be more than the feelings for the girl I was in a relationship with b) there was too much going wrong with that relationship anyway c) there was a good chance I could get back with my ex. So I broke up with the girl I was seeing and sure enough ended up back with my ex. Needless to say my ex ended up hurting me all over again.

Of course, from the point of view of the girl I had been seeing I was a cheater (although I certainly didn't physically, and didn't intentionally emotionally). They do say the road to hell is paved with good intention and karma being what it is I now haven't been in a relationship for over 3 years...

I don't think that sounds callous or insensitive krng. It sounds like you were keeping yourself safe from being hurt, and for good reason. I think in this situation, it's fair to say that your ex has a role and choice in the matter too.

No one has to stay in a backburner relationship if they don't want to. I think if someone feels like they are being strung along, then they can always raise this and make it clear what they want. They can also walk away.

So I wouldn't say it's perfect that you didn't tell her you were seeing someone new, but it's not the worst thing either.