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Starting to think I'm "Undateable".

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello all, ever get that feeling your just undateable? I'm starting to feel that way or even I am in the wrong generation for dating.

Basically I stepped back into the dating pool (without going into it - bad break up with a violent ex = going into a bubble for 2 years to find myself/finally say I am ready to trust someone again, however the world has different ideas for me it would seem).

30 year old, fairly attractive chap - eat well, hobbies, look after myself, good work/life balance, good car, good place to live and like to think generally nice to most I meet, however to this day can't seem to find my partner in crime.

Even had a a few dates via online and the dynamics have changed so much! I try not to over think things but when you offer to pay a bill (as the gentlemen should do on the first date) you get confused looks or even insulted, offer to pick them up and it's the same, I wouldn't say I am very needy/stressed type neither yet trying to meet someone the same or getting past the first date seems near impossible!

I wouldn't even say I "need" to be in a relationship but life can be fun with two.

Not everyone is wrong right? so any advice going forward as I am starting to think the bubble is a good idea again lol...

Thanks :)

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe you just haven't tried long enough. Without trying to sound misogynistic, but you are at an age where single woman more than ever are trying to find their partner (biological clock and such).

    Some people - myself included - prefer split bills at the first date. She's a big girl! She can pay for her own stuff. I actually get uncomfortable when someone else pays for me. Makes me feel I owe them in some kind and need to find a opportunity to return the favor. If you think that picking up the tab results in confused looks and bewilderment all the time, I'd say you are wrong. Quite a lot of woman still appreciate, even expect this. Also nothing wrong with picking someone up, but also nothing wrong with just an arrangement of meeting at X 'o clock at position Y. Just give it more tries, mate. It's a numbers game. You can't expect the big miracle right on the first date with the first girl.

    Doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong in particular. At least from what you tell us here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It took me 22 dates to find somebody I would consider potentially spending the rest of my life with. These were over the space of the year and by the that point I was ready to give up and felt that nobody really wanted me. But online dating is like a crash course in self marketing you need to say the right things without lying or over inflating your ego but at the same time not underselling yourself. There might be a fact sheet on filling out dating profiles, I can't remember if there is but I shall have a look and find the link for you if there is one.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there :wave:

    It's hard to not get despondent when we are getting our feet wet in the dating world again. I had a similar experience, was in a 4 year relationship which ended quite recently, and went on some disastrous dates - and at the time I remember thinking, my word - is this what's out there? Especially if you have been out of the dating game for a while. :yes:

    The thing is, it can take a while to meet the right kind of person for you. They are worth the wait though, and though it's tough, it might be an idea to try and turn the dates that don't work out, into a learning experience. Or just consider it a nice way to meet more people. It sounds like you have some great things going on for you in life, a nice home, you look after yourself, and have hobbies that you enjoy. A romantic relationship can be a bonus, but it isn't the only thing in life.

    It sounds like you have the right idea, online dating is a very common way to meet other single people these days, I remember reading something where you need to be in a position to give love out, before you can receive it back. Which I took to mean being at ease with who you are, what you like to do, and to stay open and receptive - which I do know is a lot easier said than done sometimes! I think if you give yourself time, and try not to feel defeated if you feel like you're not getting anywhere. A few of my friends are round the same age as you - one in particular was single for while - and held out before she met her partner. She did date a few people, but none of them were the right fit. It can be a bit of a waiting game, she tried sites like Guardian Soulmates, and Match which you might want to consider if you haven't already?

    Good luck with it all - and let us know how you get on :wave:
  • Danny!Danny! mod Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    I agree with Miss_Riot that it can take a lot of dates to find the right person. Keep working with online, but maybe it would be worth trying other ways of meeting people too? It could be a local hobby group of some sort (art, walking, gardening, dancing, eating ...), speed dating or singles events, volunteering. Widening your social circles and meeting new friends and friends of friends is always a good route too.

    I also wondered, it sounds like you might have some quite set views on the roles of men and women on a date (like saying the gentlemen *should* pay), is that something you've thought about? Have you chatted to some different women about male and female roles (here could be a good place to do that)? We had a discussion on here last year about who should pay on the first date, it might make an interesting read: http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php/166574-Who-should-pay-on-a-first-date

    Good luck, I hope you have some fun dates :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I'm going to cool it on the dating front; focus on work (we're quite short staffed at the moment, so I'm needed), sort a debt, sort my flat... feeling quite deflated with the whole dating thing plus have enough good in my life to keep me occupied :)

    Thank you to everyone who replied though, very much appreciated!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I'm going to cool it on the dating front; focus on work (we're quite short staffed at the moment, so I'm needed), sort a debt, sort my flat... feeling quite deflated with the whole dating thing plus have enough good in my life to keep me occupied :)

    Thank you to everyone who replied though, very much appreciated!

    That's the spirit. If the dating game is not your career but your side hobby, it is not so frustrating, as your expectations are not so high. You stop counting the times it didn't work out and feel overall more successful.

    Sorting out your flat is always good, especially if it leads to feeling less deflated.

    LOL!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think not looking so hard is a good idea; the stink of desperation is strong and pungent and unmistakable.

    Throw yourself into stuff that interests you - all the better if it's stuff other people enjoy. I've a friend who describes it as 'baking a pie' because everyone's interested in someone baking a pie. Less obtusely: in the large, people who are interested in things are interesting.

    Also, enjoy being single, there's a lot to be said for it.

    ETA: picking people up could be conceived as a bit odd, especially from their home on a first date. Going halves on dinner is normal - equality and all that jazz
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the replies folks.

    I was happy, plodding along, doing my own thing, sorting debts from the ex (don't ask, but safe to say thank god for over-time!) and generally in my own little world.

    However I was recently best man for a friend (honour in itself); and seeing those two that day kinda made me miss being with someone. I am happy being single but I'm at a point now where I'd like to try again but for the life of me can't seem to get it right, maybe not all down to me per say but the dynamics have changed, keep changing.

    Truth be told I hate the dating stage, even more so the "online" dating stage - would much rather be with someone or no one. Generally feel I'm too old fashioned for this generation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi - I must say that though I don't know you at all, anyone as yourself is NOT 'too old fashioned for this generation'. Simply because this generation exhibits so much social shallowness does not mean that those of us who seek authentic conversations/relationships are held back or slow, or even 'not with the times'. If anyone is lucky enough to be different, to see beyond the herd mentality and know themselves despite the mental pain or the feeling of rejection and loss, then it will prove to be worth it all...even if it takes a lot of time to surface.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi MyOwnPrison, I'm sorry u feel this way. I know it's hard enough trying to look after urself and get on with life in general.

    When it comes to finding the one we all tend to want to find someone ASAP but in reality it doesn't always work like that. They say there are plenty more fish in the sea so u think to urself well if there are plently more fish I'm the sea then where are they?

    That's the problem, u dont know. The only way u will find out is going out to places where ur likely to meet lots of people including bars, pubs, social events, through friends etc. You just need to look in the right places to start off with. I'm not saying u will find someone straight away through face to face though ur chances will be higher if u continue going out and socialising.

    This can be scary at first and u don't know what to say etc but u just need to be urself. You seem to have a lot of good qualities about u like being down to earth, looking after urself, outgoing and friendly person so ur half way there. I think u meeting more people over time will not only find the one for u but u will have someone who has the same qualities as u and someone who can treat u right.

    I know u have been meeting other women online and going on dates but never got anywhere. You mentioned paying for the bill and opening the door for them without going unnoticed that they look at a u funny when doing that. Though why is it that they don't like it? Is there anything what made them think or question about u? I don't know what happened but u would know better then anyone else. I'm sorry to hear what happened. Shows that they weren't the person for u.

    You haven't done anything wrong from what it sounds like to be. Just wondering what happened in order for them to act this way? I think maybe that a change of scene would be a good idea as ur know next time round how to go about approuching a woman. Hopefully in time u can take a woman out and appreciate what u did for them by paying for meal. I do think that was a very thoughtful thing to do and u shouldn't be ashamed. That's not ur problem, its theres.

    You may find The Site has lots on information and advice on Relationships.

    I hope this helps x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi MyOwnPrison,

    Perhaps focusing on simply going out and having fun may be the best option to go down rather than specifically looking for someone to settle down with. As others have said, you haven't really done anything wrong and you're not "undateable", you just haven't met the right person for you yet. Personally, I was never a fan of the online dating scene and met people through widening my social circle by starting up new hobbies, getting involved in poltical campaigns etc. Perhaps if you focused on simply doing things you love, you will meet someone there who has the same passions as you and relationships can evolve naturally (unlike on dating websites where everything feels really forced and rushed).

    I hope that helps,
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with what Nietzsche said. I said the same thing two. You want to maybe think about coming off the internet and meeting up with other people face to face.

    This may not be something ur comfortable with just yet but in time u will be when the time is right. There's no rush to meeting someone but its more likely ur meet someone every time u go out and one of them could be the one.

    You just need to show them ur best qualities to make them think how much of a nice guy u really are because u are. Always approaching them first, starting a open conversation about them , telling them about urself and sharing experiences will make it work.

    There are people u can meet all the time. The places where ur most likely meet someone when it comes to night life, day time events, meeting friends and family or going out on ur own. You will meet somewhere whereever u go.

    Please don't put urseld down as someone will be lucky to have u and when they do then u would know u made them the happiest person.

    Keep reaching out on here x
  • Danny!Danny! mod Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi everyone, there's some really nice support there, which is always good to see :) But as this thread was from last year, I'm going to close it now.

    Just as a reminder - when a thread hasn't been replied to for a few months like this one, people's situations might well have changed, and sometimes it can be difficult to have things brought up again.

    MyOwnPrison - of course, if you want to talk more about this or anything else, you're very welcome to post more threads.
This discussion has been closed.