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Help please if you can - thank you.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi I hope you can help. At least I can talk. I fear my husband is going through mental health problems due to massive stress due to being self employed.

He won't hear that he needs help - the problem is with everybody else - but I have observed big changes in him. Very volatile, swearing all the time, cold, distant and a workaholic. There is no intimacy in our life, and any kind of affection I have to instigate. Only in bed, when he holds me close, do I even feel loved.

He argues that he keeps the roof over our head and that is a demonstration of love, and that if he stops working we will lose everything.

Much of the time he work overseas in Iraq and can be away for week on end.

When he explodes (never hit me or anything like that at all), he then says he feels he lives in a bubble and has no control over his life at all, and that everybody wants a piece of him. That he wonders whether he wants to be married even, which of course hurts me deeply.

When I suggest professional help is needed he refuses, say he is fine, loves his work and the problem is me expecting too much of him.

I am devestated and worn down. I love him, very much, but I feel I am now being pushed away and to my limit. I desperately want to help him and save my marriage, but I am feeling that there is now no hope. If he won't get help, what can I do? How can I carry on coping? He is a very good man, but he is totally lost. Thank you for listening.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds so hard to want to be able to help the man you love but him not accept it. Unfortunetly though, you can't make him get help if he doesn't want it. I can totally understand that you are worried and concerned about him but this is something he needs to see for himself and he needs to want the help.
    However this doesn't mean you can't get help yourself. Living with this worry and anxiety must be very stressful for you therefore you deserve help too. Maybe if you did get help, be open and honest with your husband. Tell him your going to talk to someone about how your feeling etc. Maybe when he see's it helps you (if it does) then he may be more willing to go
    What do you think?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey halimah, welcome to the boards. :wave: Nice one for opening up.

    When did your husband become self employed? If it was a recent thing, it could just be that being self employed doesn't suit his and your lifestyle. I mean, it's certainly not something everyone can work with.

    As Becki says, you can't make him get help if he doesn't want it (which is rubbish sometimes, I know). Another point Becki nailed is the self care - you really can't forget about yourself in this whole thing. Venting on here is a great step towards that. :) Being in a high pressured relationship can really take its toll on people and you need to make sure you have some outlets and releases where you need them.

    You obviously care a lot about your husband and it's great that you're really trying your best to support him. I think ultimately to 'carry on coping' you need to get him in a place where you can both talk calmly about the situation. No rushes, no time limits, just a calm but serious conversation about what's happening. Does he know how much this is affecting you and the relationship? Relate offer some great services and are worth checking out. They have live webchats, telephone counselling and email counselling available. As The Site is aimed more at 16-25 year olds, Relate might be of slightly more relevance to your problem. Not to say you're not welcome here any time, however. :)

    Keep us posted!
  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi Halimah

    BeckiBoo and MikeS gave some really good suggestions, and I hope you can take some of them up.

    I just wanted to add in a couple of things that you might try.

    It sounds like your husband is struggling to cope with the stresses in his life. While it sounds like it's too much for him at the moment to accept that he needs outside help, it would be worth doing what you can to get him to open up to you. It must be very stressful and scary being in Iraq at the moment, and while it's possible that there are other pressures on him to ignore this and get on with it, he might well be feeling it at some level. Maybe if you could ask him about things are and encourage him to share that without pushing him any further, that could be a good start.

    Another idea, is that often in relationships, the more we push towards someone, the more they step backwards (there's a really good book on this pattern called The Dance of Intimacy by Dr Harriet Lerner if you'd like to read more - http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Dance-Intimacy-Courageous-Relationships/dp/006091646X). It sounds like you're feeling constantly rejected, which is very painful. While I know it can be hard, it might be that by stepping back for a while you would allow him to regain a balance for himself and then come back towards you.
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