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Sexting, Unfaithfulness and Family Values

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,

My partner is 23 and I'm ten years older. We've been together for 3 years and have a son together who will soon be 2.

My wife has fallen out of love with me, due to boredom and general annoyance of the mundane day-to-day grind of life. She gets depressed and is not responsive to going out together to have fun.

She has been unfaithful many times, usually via graphic sexting (hardcore pictures and videos) which have left me devastated.

I have found out by cyber-stalking her and bugging her phone, which is a behaviour of mine that I feel terrible about.

However, this constant cycle of discovery, confrontation, talking and making-up is getting worse and worse every time it happens.

The latest instance, disturbed the neighbours, the police were called, I threw my wife out of the house, etc. I refused to let her back inside the house and the police told her there was nothing they can do. She then made an allegation of rape and the police arrested me :(

All my friends and family have strongly advised that I should leave her, that she is a nasty piece of work.

However, I love her, I'm addicted to her, I'm committed to my vows and I strongly do not wish to break up my family... I want my son to grow up with his mummy and daddy living together.

In order to do this happily, I need to handle, manage and control my jealousy.

I also need to be able to handle a young, hot tempered and unfaithful spouse who I choose to stay with.

I would like to work on the relationship.

It is my hope that she will grow out of it or that in some way, through my honourable and admirable action, she may fall back in love with me and respect me.

We have decided to live apart for a while until things cool down. She's in the family home with our son. I'm staying with relatives.

Any ideas please?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Never stay together "for the kid". This is horrible and it's was better for the child to grow up with both parents separately, but they are happy parents. There are fights, lying and domestic violence in your marriage and household and this is not only vastly detrimental to you, but also to your son. This is on a downward slope, as you have realized yourself. Your marriage is pointless. You are loving and being addicted to a person who cheats on you, disrespects you and your marriage. It will get worse. What are you waiting for? This whole thing is dated. Divorce your wife and start to heal before someone ends up dead, and I don't mean this to be a hyperbole. You will not get any other advice from me in case you try to reason with me. Hanging on to that marriage is like keeping a dead pet.
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    Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi urbansmash

    You really need to look after yourself here, as well as your son. It must be a massive emotional drain on you having to go through all this, and I'm sure it is on him too. Children aren't just affected by how they are treated, but pick up a great deal from their environment. The way we conduct relationships in our later lives is greatly affected by what we see as children, especially from our parents.

    It sounds like you've got lots of advice from family and friends. I think in trying to "control your jealousy", you might be setting yourself an impossible task. I'm not sure anyone in a monogamous, loving relationship could avoid being pretty jealous when their partner is unfaithful.

    You describe yourself as being addicted to her. That suggest that maybe the best route forwards for you would be to get some support for this. Maybe to start thinking about what you really want out of life and your relationship. What needs is this damaging relationship fulfilling that you could find in another way?

    It sounds like there's a lot of deep and difficult emotions involved here, and it could be really helpful to have some counselling to try and get into things, and work out what's going on for you now, and where you'd like to be.

    Let us know how it goes
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Urbansmash

    Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time at the moment.

    Having kids in a relationship can sometimes mean people hold on for a lot longer than they would if they didn’t and unfortunately this seems like it may be one of those situations.

    Although you have your sons best interests at heart sometimes you have to let it go.

    The situation right now isn’t healthy for two adults let alone a young child.

    You say to you living apart right now. This seems like the most sensible for you all.

    If there is desire to make the relationship from both of you then this time should allow you to have space and consider these feelings or if not help you in moving forward.

    Either way talking to someone and working through some issues and working on yourself might help.

    Focusing some time on yourself may help you to see the relationship differently – helping you to move on.

    Hope this helps.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Update

    Hi,

    Following on from my previous post, my relationship with my partner has ended in terms that we have both moved on emotionally (well she clocked out ages ago, but it took my a while to accept it was over).

    However, my problem is that she is still in the family home, where I am the sole tenant renting from the council. I am sleeping on my mum's sofa.

    She has invited two of her female friends to be lodgers. They invite male friends into the home whenever they wish. Our 2 year old son is in the middle of all this.

    I fear for my safety when visiting my own home, because I'm subject to confrontation and verbal abuse. I'm required to humble myself (bite my tongue etc) because last time there was a disturbance of the peace, I got arrested and was seen as the abuser (seemingly the only reason is because I am male and that females are seen as the victim).

    I feel powerless, homeless. I do not wish to feel helpless. I want to do something. Assert myself in a positive constructive way. We both have rights to the matrimonial home, but my legally wedded wife would love to claim domestic abuse at the first opportunity she can as this would give her a lot of power under the law: I could be denied access to my property and child, she could get her visa extended or her leave to remain (without having me sign it as her spouse).

    I want to avoid all confrontation. I want to protect myself from all false allegations. I want to do something positive and constructive (and stop feeling like a helpless victim).

    I pay all the bills (rent, phone, TV, council tax, everything). She works full time and has her girlfriend look after our son. She promises to contribute, but always has an excuse why the bills go unpaid (until I pay them, after all everything's in my name… I don't want to cancel everything, because I want my home and my life back).

    If I go home, it will be awkward and she'll be unreasonable, pick a fight and either walk all over me or claim abuse at the first sign of confrontation.

    I cannot legally change the locks or throw her out of the family home as, because we're married, she has Home Rights under the Family Law Act 1996.

    I have tried speaking to her as civilised person and she tells me that she is staying put until she gets her papers to stay in the UK (which could be up to a year… of me paying the rent but sleeping on my mum's sofa!!)

    If I tell the home office the relationship has broken down, they could deport her, but she' likely to get her stay another way: either as the main carer of our child (a British Citizen) or she'll claim abuse (her girlfriends have also advised her to claim that I abuse my son so that she can get even more rights and victim support).

    If I start divorce proceedings, she will no longer have Home Rights after the decree absolute, but the court has power to give her my tenancy and custody of our son.

    I want my place back (I've been there for 10 years, of which 3 she has been there) and I want my son to grow up around good people and for me to have a relationship with him.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi urbansmash

    Thank you for taking the time to update us on how you are doing, it must be a really hard and difficult time for you at the moment. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has ended, from what you and your loved ones have advised, this might be the best possible outcome for what has been a very turbulent time for you and your family.

    It's a very tricky situation when it comes to moving on from a relationship, especially when you have been living together and you have a very young son to think about.

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so hopeless, try not to become too despondent; it's very tough when you are getting over the end of a relationship and trying to move on, and then you have the practical aspects of removing yourself physically from the home to focus on.

    If things are quite volatile when you see your ex partner, as you mentioned she picks fights with you and makes interactions quite difficult, it might be as well to have neutral party there with you, or someone you trust to go with you? You might want to have a look at Advice Now's website - they have some great legal information, and they mention family mediators and could be a great place for you to gain some extra insight about what options are available to you. It also includes survival guides for different situations, including breaking up whilst residing in the same home which you may find useful: http://www.advicenow.org.uk/advicenow-guides/

    Have you thought about keeping your interactions with your ex partner to a minimum? This may be hard when you have your son to think about, however I would suggest speaking to citizens advice for further information about this as well as your housing situation: http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_relationship_when_you_re_living_together.htm

    They offer a housing factsheets which you may find useful as well as a comprehensive section about what to do when a relationship ends, and you have been living together.

    You might also want to consider contacting your local council, regarding your tenancy and your current situation, they may be help you ascertain what rights you have and this may help you feel more assertive and pragmatic.

    There are things you can do to help you feel like you are taking the situation in hand. It can be make things tougher when a relationship doesn't end amicably, but there are organisations and advice lines, some of which I have linked to, for you to check out and hopefully provide a starting point for you.

    It sounds like a difficult situation - and I really hope you can move things forward without risking any contact you have with your son. I would suggest speaking to a relationship advice counselor, you may want to contact Relate and explaining the situation in full - and maybe include your fears about the claims your ex partner may make against you. Relate offer great advice about relationships, separation and divorce: http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce

    They offer some case studies, as well as a guide to mediation and separation, which you might find useful. You can also speak to someone live online, or there is a helpline number which you can ring if you prefer.

    I hope I have got this right, and you find some of this useful :) I really wish you luck with the situation, please do let us know how things work out for you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to talk to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Document her behavior (letting friends stay in your home, inviting strangers to you and your son, abusing you and trying to turn the tables as she knows the law will favor her. Getting "counsel" by her friends to claim abuse). You NEED all of this when shit hits the fan. Honestly you need to secure yourself and your son, because your wife will get custody of him and she does not sound to be a fit mother at all.

    Don't tell her you have a lawyer. Leave her in the dark. If you don't wanna get figuratively fucked into every hole you need to start protecting yourself mate. She has no consideration for you and will destroy you entirely. The only reason she has not yet, is because she is in limbo herself at the moment (with her visa), but once she has a steady foot down she will kick you out of your home, keep your son from you and rape you through your wallet.

    Talk to a lawyer that specializes in divorce. TODAY. And do nothing else beforehand. I don't know zilch about UK law, but moving out of your home to feel safe could maybe count as abandoning the family there etc. Get legal help, I cannot stress this enough.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi urbansmash,

    I wanted to check back to see how things were going and how you were?

    It's very important that you look after yourself and your son, and Tamsinjo offered some great advice about talking to an organisation such as Advice Now regarding legal information for you both. If you fear for your safety and that of your sons, you may want to speak to someone from the council or for legal advice soon to help you with your situation.

    Let us know how you are and if we can help with anything else.
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