Feeling consumed by on going court case

Former Member

I'm really struggling to keep myself going on a day to day basis after my father was arrested after I signed a statement about the abuse he committed when I was a kid. I can't sleep properly, I can't think straight, I'm struggling to keep going and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm falling behind with my studies, MrRiot is struggling with me feeling like this because his views towards stuff like this is - ignore the feelings, distract yourself, don't think about it. But I can't seem to think about anything else. There are constant reminders - TV, newspapers, conversations overheard on buses, it's just everywhere, and I just feel like I'm drowning in all this shit!

What do I do? I can't seem to get any help on the NHS, I've already been re-referred but the waiting list is about 9 months. Where I live there's fuck all in terms of charities that provide non-faith based support (I'm fed up of having Christian rhetoric forced down my throat by "good meaning souls"). I've contacted NAPAC but you can only get 30 mins on the phone with them and they have said that if I want support I'm going to have to travel some distance. I'm getting sporadic support from the local sexual assault referral centre, but it is sporadic. I really don't know what I'm looking for, but there's very little on offer at the moment, I just can't keep feeling like this - I can't have my life on hold until the trial, which could be another 9 - 12 months, if it even gets that far.

Help!!??

Former Member

Have you tried victim support?

Have you also tried reframing things in your mind? Unless I've missed something it's not an ongoing court case - it's an investigation. An investigation that at this stage you have very little active involvement with.

Under very different circumstances, when I have trouble sleeping I keep a notebook/post it notes by my bedside and write down the actual things that are going through my mind and keeping me up. When they're in that form they can sometimes be easier to process or park until later.

Is there any mileage in trying to deal with the two issues slightly separately? There's dealing with the impact that the abuse has had on your life, which in general you seem to manage very well - and then there's dealing with how the recent developments with the statement and the arrest have rattled you.

When I had involvement with police cases I found trying to get my head around what was going on with it all really really difficult, and the large number of unknowns about how it all worked confused me and my mind kept spinning trying to work out how it all worked. The police I assume have given you some explanation of what happens next, but victim support may be able to take you through it more slowly and in a more accessible manner. Just understanding better how the system worked, what would be going on in the background (or often not) helped take that worry away from me.

Former Member

You are right - it is still an investigation. I've had a lot of stuff that I thought I had dealt with come up since the arrest.

Unfortunately there is pretty much no victim support service provision in my area - so I've been getting some advice and support from the local sexual advice service but like I said it's over stretched and sporadic support. I have been told how things happen in brief but that's not really helped. I feel totally powerless and like my future is held in the balance - I'm not sure how I'll cope if they decide that there's nothing to charge him on or if he gets found not guilty.

I'm not sure what to do I've been writing things down, mainly poetry and drawing rather than the actuality of what's going through my head. I guess it's easier that way for me.

Former Member

Is your future really held in the balance?

You seem to have been doing pretty damn well so far. For your day to day life, and for your future, nothing has actually changed over the last few weeks. You're still the same person, you still have the same history, you still have the same family, you still live in the same place, and you still have the same boyfriend, you still have the same hobbies, you have the same health conditions, and you still have the same interests. Some of those are good things, some of those are bad things, some of those are great things and some of those are truly shitty things.

All that's changed is that there's now a chance that someone might do something about what your father did in the past.

Your future is still in your hands. There's a chance that they won't find enough evidence to charge him, and there's a chance that there won't be enough evidence for a conviction. Now there's also a chance that he'll get charged and he'll get convicted - but that's an impact on his life rather than yours. He's not been in your life for a long time, and nothing is going to change that now.

Drawing and poetry might be easier for you, but it might be worth considering putting any practical items on the list (I'm guessing that the art is more to do with emotions) - and then you can deal with them. I could be wrong, but I'd guess that some of this is the cumulative effect of limitations on moving closer to riotboy, not knowing what happens next with police, not knowing what colour to paint the walls, the latest row you had with your mum, having a massive to do list that you're juggling in your mind, the whole abuse topic coming up again stirring up past issues, etc etc. Some of those are easy fixed. Some of those will take longer to fix. Some of those won't get fixed, but you'll adjust and learn to live with them. Some of them you've already learnt to deal with, that has had a pretty harsh knock recently and you'll get back on track for.

Former Member

It really feels like it has a huge pull on where my life goes right now. I feel that if he is found anything other than guilty I'm going to feel that everyone sees me as a liar. I will feel like I am a liar.

Tbh although other things are playing on my mind this is what is making me miserable.

It's spiralling my thoughts - just one thing is leading to another and another and I'm getting caught up in it. I'm trying to use all my techniques that I learnt in EMDR to keep myself centred and I'm not finding much is helping! I'm just finding myself staring into space and getting caught up in these thoughts of what's going to happen and what people think of me because of all of this and the effects it's having on my mum and MrRiot. It's just leaving me feeling blank and overwhelmed!