Boyfriend and Depression

Starry night

My boyfriend has been feeling really depressed recently and I don't know what to say. Personally, I find it extremely difficult to express my emotions for people to people, and I am worried about making it about myself too, as in when he asks me about what I've been doing, and I feel bad because I;m doing lots of stuff and he's bored, depressed and lonely.

He has told me he is worried about his uni results, and he is lonely because he doesn't have many friends and can't see me. Although we bond over deep emotional stuff -both have social anxiety, trust issues, have a good laugh together etc- our interests are completely different. I like books, he likes games, he does physics and maths I do english and arts stuff. Usually, this works (we are relaxed and quiet in each others company while still enjoying it), but right now I have no idea what to say to him about basic chit chat stuff. Usually, I don't text anyone (one of the parts of the social anxiety) and see my few close friends face to face, but I can't see him and my phone bill for calls has gone through the roof. I know that general chit chat (he texts me everyday to talk but I don't know what to say, I freeze up and am really awkward) would help, and he needs support, but I don't know what to say.

So, what I'm asking is

What should I say to someone who is depressed? - I am worried that what I say is not fully appreciating his situation or seems generic, not intimate and caring. What would you want someone who honestly cared about you to say to you when you are depressed? Any good examples?

Secondly, this is really embarrassing, but can anyone give me tips on small talk text stuff? What do you normally talk about with your mates? How do you cheer them up?

Former Member

Hey starry :wave:

Sounds like you're really keen to support your boyfriend but you're not sure about how to go about it and what to say/do for the best? It's must be hard on you to be feeling guilty about doing lots of stuff and not being able to talk about it too.

In terms of chit chat - it sounds like he values having contact with you throughout the day - perhaps it's a nice distraction and also when someone is depressed they don't necessarily want to talk about it all the time. You could tell him about your day, share something that made you laugh? Do you have skype at all? That could save on the phonecall costs as it's free and you can video chat too

We have an advice page on 'my boyfriend has depression' which has some useful ideas: http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/my-boyfriendgirlfriend-has-depression-6069.html

One thing it says is:

The best thing you can do is just let them know you care and keep checking in with them. Something as simple as a text message saying: “I’m thinking of you,” can make a huge difference.

The little things can really help someone to feel less isolated and help pick them up from their negative thoughts. Maybe making him a playlist or sending him a card could be a nice gesture too? Or making a plan to do something together next time you meet up that you can both enjoy?

Have you asked him what he would appreciate from you when he's feeling low? Different people can appreciate different things so working together on it could help you to feel less awkward about it too. It sounds like he's not making much connection with others at the moment, do you think he'd be open to trying out new things to meet people?

Does anyone else have any tips?

Former Member

Hi StarryNight, I'm sorry u feel like this towards ur bf. I'm sure he feels the same two on what to say to u when u are having a bad day or feeling down. Already u two show signs of common forms of depression so I suppose it's difficult to try and help one another.

You have to think to urself wether the relationship u two have got can still continue as there's only so much u can do to keep a relationship going. Think to urself why is he feeling like this and then go with ur answer and deal with the problem straight away and see if there's a way of u being able to save the relationship. I can tell u still have feelings for him but it's msybe best to put ur feelings to one side and writing down everything what's going good and everything's what's going bad do u can weigh up the two together and see where u come out on top.

The other thing is try and speak to him over Facebook or Twitter instead of ringing him that way u dont run up the phone bill and ur still keeping in touch with him and how he's feeling. Also if u Skype then maybe that's something to think about as u can see one another without wondering wh st hes doing and wether he still cares about me. Always check ur balance when u have made several calls then that way u can stay on track with the bill.

I think u need to be the one to take action right now and see where this relationship is going cuz u can only do so much to support the person and no more. I think he's not in the right place at the moment buy that don't say u should end what u and him have got. You need to think about urself two.

By being there for him all u can really do is ask him how he is, what he's up to, wh st u having for dinner, did u go out today etc and keep the conversation very open and not forced. That way u two wont need to feel awkward towards one another but in time if u think the relationship won't go anywhere say in s months time or so then u need to open and honest with him. Don't blame urself wether u do end up breaking up with him, u have done everything to make a go of this and u have go to eventually put urself first then him.

Would be best to end it when u are ready to leave it and speak to him another time about. The problem won't go away and he has a right to know how ur feeling. I know it maybe hard with him at first as his reaction won't be a happy one but u just have to give it time and let him have some space so he can come back round and speak to u when he's feeling better.Not questionable to say wether u still be part of his life as I know u would be but not as a girlfriend ans just a friend.

If u needed any further help with anything more about this u could contact the Relate helpline where it'sa confidential counselling service pprovided by trained counsellors for couples or individuals experiencing relationship problems. That something u would be interested in? There's more on the site website for other useful advise on relationships and help avaliable.

Best of luck with everything and someone is always here to talk and share.

Have a good evening,

Crazykiss x

Former Member

Starry night,
I have depression, and although I do have panic attacks and my bad days, when I'm in company, it's definitely not so bad. I've found that when around my friends (only my three best friends know), that because I don't want them to guess, I act normally. Ish. I've become so much better at drama because of this! However, throughout the day, the act does become more real until I am actually having fun and smiling genuinely. Just be in his company and talk about memories and funny things, and by experience, this does help. Don't really talk about it unless he wants to because, although it'll always be at the back of his mind, he'll be able to forget about it when he's having fun. I would also suggest maybe finding a small mutual interest, like get him interested in one of your favourite books or try one of his favourite games and surprise yourself! This will surely work great and you'll be able to make him smile once more. If you can't talk (or if you've run out of minutes for the month), just a short text saying "I love you", "I'm thinking of you!" or "Are you okay?" can mean a lot. Whatever happens, try to make him keep himself busy- I remember the Christmas holidays after I was diagnosed with depression was horrible- I just ended up feeling lonely, turning to my own thoughts for company and getting trapped inside my own head. Keep him busy and keep him company, and he'll be a lot better soon. Hope this will help.
Good luck and just be there for him.
Hope he's well soon,
Emmi:) xx