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Question towards (straight) girls about pursuing with romantic intent
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Alright, here goes.
Whenever I had something happen with a girl (relationship, sex, generally just things above friendship) it usually happened early and fast and mutual.
Whenever I was attracted to a girl and I did not get clear signs except that they are comfortable with my person and happy to spend time with me and I did not get much feedback (i.e. being on the "chase") it never lead anywhere. I would after some time just "take the hint" that was not really there, but I was drained from putting in time and resources without anything coming off it, so I let off.
This lead me to develop some kind of impatience where I bring up my intentions early. For example I would say something along the lines of, "Hey, I wanted you to know that I can imagine us being more than friends and would like to work towards that. What are your feelings about this? If you are unsure, then how about we spend more time together, get to know each other better until you definitely know if you either know you wanna go for it or that it's not going to happen?"
I feel it's honest, it's kind of hot, sharing your emotions with a person like this, it's unambiguous and it's non-threatening (as opposed to just go in for a kiss for example). I like it that way. Other people, who I have been talking to were of the opinion that it's pushy and puts the girl on the spot in a time that should be "carefree" and "fun" (i.e. the dating I guess) and ultimately has a negative effect, because it pushes her away.
What are your feelings on this?
Whenever I had something happen with a girl (relationship, sex, generally just things above friendship) it usually happened early and fast and mutual.
Whenever I was attracted to a girl and I did not get clear signs except that they are comfortable with my person and happy to spend time with me and I did not get much feedback (i.e. being on the "chase") it never lead anywhere. I would after some time just "take the hint" that was not really there, but I was drained from putting in time and resources without anything coming off it, so I let off.
This lead me to develop some kind of impatience where I bring up my intentions early. For example I would say something along the lines of, "Hey, I wanted you to know that I can imagine us being more than friends and would like to work towards that. What are your feelings about this? If you are unsure, then how about we spend more time together, get to know each other better until you definitely know if you either know you wanna go for it or that it's not going to happen?"
I feel it's honest, it's kind of hot, sharing your emotions with a person like this, it's unambiguous and it's non-threatening (as opposed to just go in for a kiss for example). I like it that way. Other people, who I have been talking to were of the opinion that it's pushy and puts the girl on the spot in a time that should be "carefree" and "fun" (i.e. the dating I guess) and ultimately has a negative effect, because it pushes her away.
What are your feelings on this?
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If in the past, you have not much had much success by being subtle and cagey about how you feel, then changing tack - and going for a more direct approach might seem more appealing to try out. I have to give you credit for being so honest and upfront, it's very admirable - lot's of people are scared of being rejected, but I like the no-nonsense approach too. :yes:
Perhaps it depends a bit on the person you are going on the hunt for? They may be the sort of person who likes to play hard to get, and prefers the chase. However - if you aren't really into this, then I can see how this can be frustrating. Playing games isn't really everyone's cup of tea.
It could frighten the person off too - if you let them know how you feel, before they have reached a decision perhaps? They might feel a lot pressure - they may also feel a bit confused about their own feelings. They may see it as quite an intense move so early on, maybe before they feel that you have got to know them properly. From my experience I think it can take some time to get to know someone - and I'm ever so slightly cautious and play my cards close to my chest - but that's very much a personal thing - and if your approach works for you - then go for it
I am mostly aware what could possibly happen, I am just looking for personal opinions. In the first paragraph you said you like the no-nonsense approach, in the last you say you play your cards close to your chest, so those sound sorta controversial. Also, it has not been working well for me, like I said before, but it does not need to be the method's fault, but just no chemistry there.
I dunno if it's a "hard to get". I don't indulge others in their hard to get or playing games mindsets. This shit is boring. If there is attraction, then show it. Some people like to take it slow though. Want to meet a couple of times and maybe start to get serious after a month, even though they knew earlier they want something to happen. That's absolutely fine, but maybe those people are rather scared away? They just could say "I am not ready to decide on that yet." and keep going in their own pace and let the other person know when they are ready.
I think being direct is admirable, as I mentioned, but it's not something I have the confidence to do - so I have a lot of respect for people who are very clear about how they feel and comfortable opening up to people.
Ah, ok. So the cards to your chest was meant that you don't speak freely and openly about your feelings, got it. But how does this respect for people who are very clear with their feelings work out for you. Does it mean you admire it from an outside standpoint - objectively, but don't necessarily want it to happen to you? Or do you genuinely appreciate if someone is direct like that TO YOU?
Honestly - I'd have to say that I genuinely appreciate people having the balls to say how they feel - if it happened to me - that's exactly how I would feel.
It can be very easy to get caught up trying to decipher someone's feelings when they aren't clear; and the direct approach may remove all the angst around second guessing the other person's feelings. That's just my opinion of course
anyone else have anything to say about that?
Also, just personally, I hate when guys say 'let's just hang out until you decide'. What happens after I decide? If it's a no then I've been effectively leading him on up to that point and if I like just hanging out then it's going to ruin that
Yea, I guess this is the "putting someone on the spot" part, but I really am not expecting a certain answer (and if, usually the maybe answer). Usually at that point I am myself not totally sure if I want a relationship, because I do not know enough about the girl, but it's like a "We have spent two days now and it's been absolutely fantastic and everything we did and talked and I know about you is super positive, so I wanna keep going in that direction." I don't see it as a "now or never" and if it's in between those two I would not need to give a "second chance". It's still the first chance.
It is more like an "just checking up on your interests." You know, usually if your answer is Yes or No, those are pretty definite and hardly changeable, so if you KNOW it's either of those two, it is the best way to just let the other person know.
Do you see where I am coming from? If you definitely know "No", then there is no point in trying to pursue for two months. If it is a genuine "I don't know yet" (and not a "I am afraid to say no, so I say maybe) then this is something positive, because that brings out my drive to show you that I am awesome to spend time with and kinda convince you that you would enjoy being with me.
The thing is, the truth can sting, but a drawn out lie can hurt for much longer. So if we go out for some time and you don't feel it, I prefer hearing "this is not going anywhere for me" than further maybes and then just gradually write back less, or act more distant. That just sucks for everyone involved.
I spend this fantastic evening with a girl on her couch, talking until 5 in the morning. Somewhere around 10pm the day before I asked her if she wanted to make out (alcohol and other stuff was involved by then). She said, "this is not something I want to do on the first day we met, but I appreciate you asking instead of just going for it." and it did not hurt the quality of the evening at all, which brings me to the situation where I am in now. I am so sick of taking up on hints that I try to avoid them all together and have a open discussion about ... pretty much everything.
Haha, no of course not walking up to someone in a bar. How can I honestly form an opinion about wanting to pursue you if I haven't even talked to you, but wanting to talk openly about intentions and feelings should actually PREVENT the situation that I have to do an egg dance for a whole month. If after a whole month I have no clarity I am usually just drained and lose interest. This is not a "do you wanna be my girlfriend"-question. It's just a "hey I can see us being more than friends", which ideally should make it easier for her to come forward with her own feelings and not being the first to be exposed.
I my situation it was a Tinder match. We talked for 3 weeks, already very personal stuff too, so it was not just all superficial and I felt I really got to know her by then. I felt there was a big trusting connection as she also confided things to me that she struggles herself accepting and she found that I am not judgmental about them at all.
Then we met, spend a super fantastic day together walking through her city for hours and exchanging stories etc. I mean technically it was the first meeting, but it just felt right already to talk to her about what our outlook on this whole thing was. I spent a fantastic and memorable day with her and that is and was good in itself, but I think talking about my intentions there is way better than just trying to meet up again and hoping something more happens.
Also, I too think that this is hot. Admitting to liking someone that way is always like exposing a vulnerability, since the other person can shoot you down. I like to think that everyone just wanna know where he or she stands and where this all is going. This big uncertainty is just stressful to me. But admitting something like that after you are dating for a whole month is pointless. You already should have a good picture of that after a month, but the thing is, IT TAKES A WHOLE MONTH.
The thing is, there is no "working best for me", or I would be already doing that. My question is how would you as a girl react to someone who is open and direct about his feelings and tells you he would like to explore the possibility of having more than friendship, after, lets say talking online for a couple of weeks and meeting twice (and both times it looked really good and a lot of fun was had). I am not looking for general advice on what works best for me, because nothing works for me. So I am trying to figure out if girls actually appreciate or are driven back if someone just talks about his intention to pursue them.
I.e. bringing up intentions as words, not as hints. (e.g. asking if he can kiss you, instead of just kissing you). Also keep in mind I am not talking about approaching strangers. This person already knows you well and you get along well, but just not in a way that it is precisely apparent if it's just being friendly or being flirty.
Of course every girl is different, that's why I ask the question to a number of girls and see how they answer. That's the basic principle of statistics. You say most girls would be put off. I say this is a generalization you are doing, because YOU are put off.
Why does it depend whether the girl likes me or not? If she likes me, she will go with Yes or maybe (if she is yet unsure), if she does not like me, she hopefully says No and I got exactly what I want: clarity. I am not asking if this will get me with a girl, because obviously this depends on whether they like me or not.
Okay, you seem to be worried for some reason, that's all I want to know. So you kinda like the hint-giving approach. that's all I was asking about.
I agree in the sense that all the people I've been with have been people that almost from the start I knew there was a spark, or something there.
I'm quite slow when it comes to relationships and admitting my feelings - hell I'm really slow at making friends too. But I suppose I had in mind the situation where you maybe knew someone very vaguely and maybe saw them once a week... so a month would only be seeing them four times. Yeah, meeting her and walking through town for hours might make you wanna ask that question sooner - but I suppose I had 'my' preconceptions. So many variables.
I guess you are right with the spark thing. I felt a huge spark. So many similarities between us. I joked to a friend that I am not even sure she is a real person, because everything was so perfect that maybe some mob scouted out my likes and created a virtual women to lure me to another country to harvest my organs.
So yes, if we talk or meet and there is just no connection at all, I might not even bring it up (either because I don't feel it, or I just know there is no interest from her side. In the latter case I'd probably bring it up anyway, just to be sure). But to be honest, I've gotten with girls where there was way less connection from the start, so I felt comfortable to bring it up at our first meet.
Also thanks for the input, succinct and clear.
I don't think you can use your opinion to dictate what most girls would like. I'm a girl and I'd find it hot. Especially if approached in the right way. If someone started telling me about some spark they felt and I felt the same I'd be like 'woahh you like me, I like you, you're a guy who can communicate..... Get in my bed'. Haaaaaa
You have plans tonight? :flirt:
just kidding
Yes I am great. I just had an magnificent epiphany. I basically found an answer to my own question.
I must say though that I don't think you 'get' the point of this thread very well. Maybe we just communicate on different levels, but I cannot really make much from your rambling responses. I don't mean that as an insult. I did not feel in the slightest that my last response conveyed any sort of sadness or other negative emotion that would make me feel not ok.
Hey StrubbleS, this is an interesting thread. I just had a thought reading your example of an approach (I'm not a girl though):
It is ballsy to bring your emotions out straight up, and I'm sure you can find plenty of girls who appreciate that. But I wondered if it also suggests a lack of confidence in another way? Might it imply that you know you like them and you're going to wait around and find out if they like you? That risks suggesting that all of the decision is theirs ...