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My dad

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Haven't posted for a while... Hope it's ok.

My dad is sick. I'm not going to go into the background.

I don't even know what to say. I don't know what I want. He has maybe a year to 18 months to live.

I'm struggling.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug* hugsss i cant begin to imagine how your feeling right now, must be really hard. I dont really have any ideas other than were here and to give you hugs. keep posting on here and maybe plan some fun things with friends to take your mind of things for atleast a few hours? and spend some quality time with you dad?

    were all here for you and your not alone
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've only told maybe 1 or 2 friends what's going on. Nobody local, so I'm just avoiding meeting anyone because I've been pretty tearful since Saturday.

    Things are difficult because he is in such a bad mood. I told my mum that I didn't know whether I could stay because it was so hard. I am staying but still 'quality time' is nearly impossible.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done for telling 1 or 2 friends, i know its hard especially with something like this. You could always call your friends or plan to meet up even just a random call can sometimes help. nobody would blame you for being tearful its hard to understand and take in and will take time.
    Have you spoke to your mum about how your feeling? or have you got any other family you can talk to?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sometimes, you need a good cry.

    I am very sorry to hear this.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Massive hugs to you young lady.

    First thing first. A year to 18 months is actually a fair while, so while I completely get that you're shell shocked and it's really shitty news to get your head around - nothing is changing instantaneously.

    It's headline news to you, but that doesn't mean that you need to broadcast it from the rooftops and tell all your friends immediately. Given that nothing is really changing massively in the next few weeks - it's probably fair to yourself to look at the next few weeks through that kind of lens. What were your plans before you found this out? What's changed? What needs to be adjusted? If you were planning on being at home anyway, then there's not necessarily any reason to throw that plan out of the window. If you were planning on not being there, then again, there's not necessarily any reason to throw that plan completely out of the window - although you and your family might appreciate a bit of time together. It's somewhere where you can be a bit down and teary without having to justify it, and get a few hugs in all around.

    xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Crying is a natural emotion in situations like this , don't be afraid to let it out .

    Take your time and absorb the news yourself first , then when you feel ready to share with others you will be able to get some support .

    It's never easy to hear news like this , but please remember everyone here on the boards is here to lend a listening ear or just to offer a hug when needed .

    Your not alone .
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not really a long time when he already pretty much can't do anything. Can't walk very far, and can't sit in the car for more than about 10 minutes.

    It's not really a long time when I spend the majority of the time over 300 miles away from my family.
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    JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Really sorry to hear about your dad ysh. What a crappy thing to happen.

    It sounds like a bit of a shock too and that people are still processing the news. As Scary said, it's massive and life-changing, so it's okay to take your time adjusting and working out what to do now.

    We're always here to help you in any way we can
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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry to hear :-( *hugs*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm really sorry to hear it. Don't think that you have to shout it from the rooftops. It's OK to keep it private.

    I think Scary Monster's advice is pretty sound. Take some time to let the news digest, and decide what has changed and what has not changed. He's been ill for a while, what things have changed and what things have stayed the same?

    If you don't think you can cope living at home, then think about not living at home. You'll want to spend quality time with him, and is it quality time if you're rubbing each other up the wrong way? He's probably going to become more sad and irritable as he digests the news, would you enjoy your time with him more if you didn't live with him? If you decide yes it doesn't make you callous or a bad daughter.

    Massive hugs.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everyone else has said what I would say but I'm sending you love and hugs.

    You know where I am *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there YSH

    I'm so sorry to hear this - *hug* to you. You really need it!

    It's so sad receiving such bad news about a family member and it's a very very difficult thing to go through. It sounds like this has come out of the blue - have I got that right? It's awful to be so blindsided by bad news like this, and people can feel completely shaken up by it. It will take some time to sink in and you will feel all kinds of things - my heart really goes out to you *hug*

    From what you said, it sounds like you are living a bit of a distance from your family - when you feel you are ready, you might want to take some time and think about going to spend some time with them, being with your loved ones may help. I agree with the other comments about taking your time about what you want to do. Telling a few people how you feel is extremely brave, so be proud that you could open up and share with them what is happening.

    If you need to talk at all, we're here for you, so please don't feel like you need to try and go through this all by yourself. You might wish to have a look at this link: http://www.thesite.org/ask-a-question/email-samaritans (for some advice on what you want to do and if you need some support). X
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't want to shout it out from the rooftops. I just am at home now so will be seeing friends I haven't seen for months. They'll probably ask how he's doing and I can't really deal with that atm.

    I guess the things that have changed are that now it is the start of the end if that makes sense. Whereas before we were hoping treatments would make him better (as in relieve symptoms not cure), now they're just adding time to the inevitable. He's pretty bad at the moment, and there's not much the doctors can do. This time a year ago he was pain free and wasn't restricted in any activities. Now he can't walk very far at all, can't travel in the car for more than about 20 mins and currently is lying on the sofa groaning. My parents hid how bad things had got because I had very important exams - so just his current state is enough of a shock I guess.

    I'm home for the next couple of weeks before spending the rest of the summer in various other locations around the UK. I'll then move back to spending the majority of the time hundreds of miles away permanently. Ideally I'd see him little and often, but the distance makes that really hard, so I think we'll just have to make the next few weeks count and then I'll have to make a big effort to travel back as often as I can.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is a rant to hopefully empty my head and allow me to get some sleep.

    I'm so fucking angry at him.

    He is totally unbearable to be around. He treats my mum like shit. I told him that I found him unbearable to be around within 24 hours of arriving back home 3 weeks ago and he promised he would make an effort but it's still just so awful. I don't expect anyone to understand, and I expect most of you will think I'm terribly unkind.

    It is so draining. He never has anything good to say. My mum does absolutely everything for him and he's always complaining. There's no such thing as a good day. You hear him coming before he actually arrives because he's groaning.

    I'm so angry because I want the last bit of time I spend with him to be quality time, but he doesn't give a shit whether I'm around or not. He takes everything out on me and I can't do anything right. I try and stand up for my mum as he blames stuff on her and is always moaning at her too and she doesn't say anything....

    I hate living with him, it's impossible to walk on eggshells and somehow avoid the massive black hole that he's created at the same time.

    I can't imagine how hard it is for him, but I'd do anything for him to deal with it better / differently. Being ill really really sucks, but it sucks a whole lot more if you drive people away. My sister (who tends to let things glide over her a lot better than me) has even admitted to not coming home as often etc because it's just miserable.

    I'm just angry and upset that me saying 'Dad, you're making me feel so miserable that I don't want to live here anymore' wasn't enough for him to change just a little bit, or spur him onto getting help to change.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're not being terribly unkind, and it's perfectly reasonable to be angry.

    Yes, your dad is ill - but that doesn't give him the excuse to treat everyone else like shit. There are some things that you can reasonably expect to make adjustments for, pain, fatigue, not being happy all of the time all being some examples. However the expectation that he treats others in a civilised manner should be one of the basics.

    Are you (as a family) getting any help? I know how bloody awkward men can be in asking for help, or taking any of any kind. I know they're few and far between, but worth asking whether there's any Macmillan type support? One of their nurses once have a very productive chat with an extended family member on the importance of realising that it's difficult for the whole family not just the patient.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Has his illness affected his brain, or is it that the effects of the illness are affecting his mind?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can only spend the next 18 months with him to treasure the good times and not think of the bad. Spend as much time as u can with him if thats possible and make sure he appreciates u for being there. There's no more u can do apart from making the next 18 months a happy one. You know he will always be watching u so never feel like that ur on ur own cuz u won't be.

    Wants u to be happy and make the most of ur life and u have to at some point but that don't mean go say u can't think about him or have memorys of him. You could always keep ur happy times in a book from where ur first holiday was to the funny times u had together. Keeping it a postive atmosphere will help feel less on edge and more on the straight and narrow.

    You know u have always got us to speak to. Don't suffer in silence. Times like these that u need ur family and friends for support.

    Keep strong and Positive.

    Kisses From Crazykiss x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys.

    Grace - no brain problems but my mum and I think he might be depressed.

    Scary - that's a good shout actually. He won't let my mum go to appointments with him but that could be an option. I'll at least try the helpline next week.

    Its frustrating. I know that often stuff like this doesn't go as it does in films or TV. I'd go as far as to say the media glamourises cancer, with its 'battles', 'bravery' and 'fighting'. I wasn't expecting that from my dad, but I was expecting that he'd deal with it in his own 'acceptable' way. I know in real life that these situations are messy, complicated and full of emotions. It's just things at the moment are really fucked up. Too fucked up considering he is only getting worse, and there's a still a way to go...

    I really am tying to be strong but it has worn me down. And I still feel like such a dick when I avoid spending time with my dad (hoping he goes to bed early, hoping his nap lasts a little bit longer) just so I can have some peace when he doesn't have long left. Meh.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How well did you and your parents get on when you spent every minute of the day inside each others pockets? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess not brilliantly...

    Much like any other family. Your dad being ill doesn't magically mean that you'll all start getting on, what it does mean is that there are no perceived drivers to try and spend more time together. Not wanting to spend every waking minute with someone is perfectly reasonable. You've got in nailed when you say these situations are messy, complicated and full of emotions. Yes, you should be spending some time together, but not all of it. Yes, you need to be strong - but being strong means looking after yourself. That means having some time to yourself, that means you and your mum having some time together so you can look after each other, that means you and your sister having some time together away from your parents etc.

    Hugs xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't worry. Things will work out in the end :) hope ur ok? Hope u can talk to me cuz people on here never want to lol.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Edit - *zips*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Scary. I'm not really spending anytime with my dad. Just because it's got to the point that he's wound me up so much that I'm not resetting to 0... If that makes any sense. I still try and make the effort for meal times, but that's usually bad enough as I find it impossible to just let him have a go at my mum for giving him too much food / not enough food / wrong food / forgetting to get him a drink when he can do all that himself. It's a shame because although we haven't had the best relationship, we were able to get along really well from time to time, especially since I moved to uni and so was spending shorter periods at home.

    Spending time with my mum is what I'm really focussing on. As well as stuff like gym, dog training and sailing theory course. It must suck even more for her as she can't just avoid it. So we are doing loads together and she says she really values me being around at home so that's nice. I don't know how she copes....

    I'm spending the next month or so away from home, and I'm hoping my mum will come and visit but only if my dad lets her. He can cope at home by himself for a few days but we'll see. Hopefully the rest will be enough for me to cope with another week or so at home before I'm off again.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like you've got a brilliant plan lined up.

    If your mum is going to struggle to get away to see you then it might be worth giving any local support services a call and see if there are any options for giving your dad a hand (or threatening to, and then seeing if he'll back down on any potential claims that he can't cope without your mum).

    Keep looking after yourself, keeping looking after your mum (which you can partly do by looking after yourself and giving her one less thing to worry about) and you'll do right.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is your dad getting any respite care? Which means he can do things if he's well enough and your mum can have a break if she needs it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's got worse over the last few days (health wise). I'm no longer living at home as I'm on placement. He hasn't been in touch since I left over a week ago, just heard bits and pieces through my mum. Seriously struggling with all of this uncertainty.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How much are you and your mum staying in touch? How much confidence do you have that your mum will tell you the bits you really need to know?

    Your dad's least favourite top of conversation must be his health. I'm sure this is stating the obvious, but have you tried phoning up fr a chat about your day, any amusing stories from placement, what the weather is like, etc. pretty much any conversation topic that isn't how are you.

    If you've got the confidence that your mum will tell you what you need to know, and remember that you're a relative, not a medic, then those are things to hold onto as you keep on doing everything that makes your dad proud of you( study, placement, sailing, enjoying the sunshine ).

    Big hugs.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm a mess.

    I hate him. He hasn't made any effort to communicate with me in 3 weeks. I want it to be different so badly. I hate myself for hating him and all of this just goes round in circles.

    Why can't he be my dad still? Why has that stopped already?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Massive hugs missy. I know you probably weren't looking for actual answers, but if I were to take a guess then its because he's scared - and has a really crappy way of showing it.

    Xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Scary, you've been really great to me recently *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there :wave:

    Oh bless you, I just want to give you a *hug*

    I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing? It sounds like a really hard time for you and your family included, and I can see that there is some really amazing support around you, from reading through these threads.

    Please feel free to keep posting whenever you need to, we are always here for you :yes:
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