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She's left me :(

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello all,

Two days ago my girlfriend told me we needed a chill out and then yesterday told me that its over. The reason being is that she no longer felt the love for me that she use to and saw us more of a friendship rather than a relationship. (more to follow)

We have been together over 2 years now and everything seemed fine, we had out little petty arguments but overcame them. Six months ago she said we needed a time out that lasted 3 days but ultimately we got back together to see how things went. In my eyes things had been going well, with discussions of moving out and evening having a child in the future.

Im 23 and she is 19 (20 soon) and she told me the reasons for her not feeling the love was because of a variety of reasons; she has a quick temper, we bicker over little things and the same reasons we had the "chill out" last time.

Now last time I knew the reasons and I worked on them and she said it went well for the first month or so but we slipped back to old habits, this time she doesn't feel it would work out and is quite sure we wont get another chance.

After she told me we had finished I went away calmly and sat and thought why she felt the love had died and YES I have only myself to blame :( I was very distant towards her and didn't show her enough love and attention when I should have, I was to busy thinking everything was fine to worry about this, I was always on at her how she loves her dog more than me but realised shes just carring towards all animals and just shows how much of a nice women she really is, We use to do so much at the start (first year) of our relationship but I kinda built a wall where we stopped doing daily stuff like dog walks, walks along the beach, date nights, movie nights, bowling etc. I became lets say lazy and didn't help her much around the house and would rather spend my time indoors than do stuff.

I've also been grouchy and quite lately due to stresses at work and I bottle a lot of things up.

I know I sound like a terrible boyfriend and I'm certainly not looking for sympathy. This has been one hell of a wake up call to me and I really don't want to loose her. I am committed to shifting my bad habits and going back to the way we was when we were both happy. I don't want to be known as the lazy guy, I've realised we only have one life and we need to make the most of it by being proactive and enjoying ourselves.

I've kind of left her alone as I don't want to come across desperate, I did however send her a text yesterday to say I was sorry and could change etc but she replied with she wanted us aswell but cant help how she feels now, if she could change it she would.

I didn't text her anymore after that apart from one to say that I understood and would give her time to herself. Problem is I sat up last night writing a 5 page letter to her explaining that I know my faults and what I will do to solve them as well as hope we could get a final chance. I posted it this morning but feel maybe that may have been a mistake?

I don't want to come across pushy or desperate and push her further away, I just don't know what to do :( Everyone that meets us say what a lovely couple we are and how well we compliment each others personality's. I really thought she was the one, the soul mate I was looking for. I'm not one of these guys that jumps in and out of bed with girls or have petty relationships, I waited 6 years until I met her because I felt she was the one. The thought of being with another girl and that turns my stomach :(

Anyone have any advice? Could really use some right now :(


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Firstly welcome to the boards ;)

    Welldone for posting. :) sorry to hear what u are going threw at the moment cont be nice ;( for u both. None of it is ur fault :) some times we need a break from each other. I think righting things down how you feel about it all is a good thing. Give it time and she will soon carm down ;) Then talk to each other. I know what it is like with relashingship. It's horrible :(

    Here a link u might find helpful


    Hope this helps
    Let's us know how u get on
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Heather,

    Thank you for your warm welcome, something so small has helped a lot :) I've left her alone now and have decided I will give her space to think things over, its just im worried when I should try to re-contact her for a chat. I really don't want to loose her, I know I've messed up big time and just wish we all had a little time machine so I could go back and slap myself into shape! I've spoken to a lot of people and want to re-evaluate myself, I want to know why I let myself become so dull, and less active.

    She means the world to me and I will do anything and everything I can to show her this
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You sent her the letter (something I personally would not have done), and now the ball is in her court. See if she gets in touch with you. I would not count on it. You would best start up your getting-over-someone routine, which means you should start doing stuff instead sitting in the inside and let all of this brood inside you.

    You are 23 and 19, everyone at that age thinks their relationship is the most significant. In all honesty, 99,9% of those relationships are just good ol' standard relationships with nothing special to write home about. Given the fact that you already had a second chance with the break, I think the chances of her coming back are very slim.

    What always help me is, that your feeling of your life going to shit because the best thing in your life took an end: Basically, you only enjoy two things in life, Serotonin and Dopamine. You just got out of happy times, and are on some sort of withdrawal. You feel bad, because the good sensations from the relationship ceased and now those pesky neurotransmitters are nowhere to be seen. This is also the reason why time helps healing those wounds as it takes time for the brain to normalize itself and get used to this withdrawal state.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You say the reason you broke up was because you got 'lazy', stopped doing stuff and staying in all the time.

    My advice is to get back out there again; not with the purpose of getting her back but to sort your life out for yourself. Find a hobby, activities. This will help get your mind off things, help you become your own person, get active, more interesting and interested in things. Who know it MIGHT help her to see you in a different light but i think you need to shake your life up yourself first
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, I am sorry to hear you are going through such a tough emotional time, splitting with a partner is one of the hardest things, as we lose a vision of the future as well as something in the present.

    I think this is one of those situations where you really will need to wait it out in terms of letting her have her space. If she doesn't feel love towards you anymore, then you unfortunately can't change that and it is better, in time, that you part ways and will eventually come to a place where you can perhaps move forwards with someone who does feel the same. You shouldn't have to settle for not being loved fully by someone and it can lead to a lot of hurt if you aren't together for the right reasons. Hopefully she will realise there are strong underlying feelings there for you though and that you can move forwards. It is good that you have made note of your complacency and things you could potentially work on for the future. I am sure there are things she does/ has done that are not perfect too, so try not to beat yourself up.

    The advice from Lexi is really good. The only thing you can do right now is try to focus on you. It sounds like you are feeling a lack of motivation at the minute and have a lot of stress going on- perhaps trying some exercise or a new creative outlet such as an art class or something could help you alleviate some of that stress. You need to work on loving yourself and making yourself happy, before you can do the same for someone else, so using this extra time to help develop and find yourself can only be a good thing.

    I hope that you get an answer from her soon and that you can begin a path to feeling a little better about the situation. If things are meant to be, then they will work out.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I text her yesterday and was very civil, I simply asked when she could let me know when she was free so I can give her stuff back to her. She text me back and arranged to go around last night.

    When I went round there it was civil, I asked how her day was and she spent a while talking about it etc. Somehow we got onto the conversation of the break up (though neither of us wanted to)

    Basically it started off she said sorry for not replying to the letter, she had been busy. I said it was ok but I meant everything I said in the letter. The break up has been a wake up call and I now acknowledge my faults and am starting to do something about them. I told her im still the same guy she fell in love with and that this is just a bump in our relationship that if we both feel the love as much then we can get over it together and move on to build a stronger and stable relationship. I apologised for the way I was with her dog and said it would be nice to start fresh with him.

    I did ask her the question that if I hadn't had been lazy, moody and was more close to her then would this break up ever of happened. She clearly stated that probally not but whats happened has happened and she cant change how she feels.

    Shes assured me that there is no one else and doesn't want to be with anyone else right now.

    I cant help but hang onto hope guys. When we met she told me In Her previous relationship with her ex of 2 years, she told me they split up a few times and got back together. So with that in mind and knowing this is our first official break up I kind of cling to some sort of hope that she will come around and give me that final chance so I can prove to her I am still the same guy she met and loved.

    I know she says she dosnt love me now like she used and over the course of a few months she loves me as a friend. But I'm a strong beliver that you cant stop loving someone truly. If I fixed my bad habbits then we could go back to how we was surely? Why wont she give me that chance? She even says im the nicest guy she ever met and the best boyfriend shes ever had

    I was thinking of going NC as of today (though I sent her a bag on her doorstep of her stuff this morning with a note saying "Look, your right. I understand how you feel and im sorry for making it awkward last night as I just wanted you to know im sorry and accept my faults. I hope when this settles we can still be friends" and I;ve left it like that.

    Should I contact her sunday evening to say hi and hows things etc then move onto the subject of maybe going bowling after work during the week?

    I want to show her that we can have a good time and can relight that spark

    I miss her so much and I know people say you will get over her but right now I cant see myself getting over her nor being with another woman.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think im a similar situation to your ex at the moment. Ive recently got back with an old boyfriend but having second thoughts. I love him so much, I cant bear to lose him from my life but I dont see our relationship going anywhere either. I feel incredibly guilty and keep putting off talking to him about because i just cant hurt him. The less we speak, the easier i find it.

    I think this is how she is feeling too, based on what you said. I know for me, just because i was in love with this guy once and still love him, doesnt mean i am IN love with him or prepared for a long term relationship. You're right that you can sometimes never get rid of those feelings but they can change into a different type of love.

    Shes possibly also feeling guilty for hurting you, and then having to politely explain to you every time you ask that she doesnt want to get back with you.

    I would try to stop contacting her so often. Youve said your bit in person, she knows how you feel. The more you contact her, the more she'll just get annoyed that you wont take her word for it and respect her decision to make her own choices
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexi thank you for your advice,

    As your going through the same sort of thing she is then can I ask you this question without being rude and bringing up your personal life.

    If the reason you "stopped" loving your BF was because the way he had been acting over the last 4-6 months, He had changed due to stress, anxiety and worry. Would you give things another go and slowly try to build the relationship back up knowing he will work on sorting his stress, anxiety etc out?

    I suffer with stress and anxiety/worry very easily as I was bullied at school and learnt to bottle it all up and just take. Hense I now come across shy, and worry a lot. When I met my GF she encouraged me enough to come out of my shell and love life, its only recently I had gone back into my shell and old ways due to stress at work and other reasons. I;ve explained this to her briefly but seems she still wont give us a chance.

    I am going to try the NC for a week or so to allow her to breathe and think things over. I've prepared a letter (whether or not I will give her it, don't want to push her away) that in a week or so I will pop it in her letter box. The letter just explaisn that shes helped me through this before and Im thankful for it and that if theres any chance we can start again but take things slow. Stay at own houses and go on dates to see if it is just a friendship or can be the start of rebuilding our relationship.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For me it would depend on our relationship beforehand. How long have we been together, are we close? Would it be hard to let go of him? Have all his stresses and worries caused a negative impact on me and made me stressed as well? Sometimes you dont realise how much a situation is affecting you until you're out of it.

    It would also depend on how much that person wanted to help themselves. Have they recognised they need help and have quickly tried to sort themelves out or have they been moping and whinging for months on end without really trying?

    Sounds cheesy but people like people who like and respect themselves. Just because you're in a relationship doesnt mean that the other person is there soley to fix your problems. You have to do that.

    Its also worth saying that sometimes relationships just run their course. Its no ones fault. People change and outgrow each other. And hey, look at this way, if she doesnt want to give you another chance is she really the one for you?
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