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On-off boyfriend

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ive recently started seeing an old boyfriend again. We stayed friends for a long time and I was the one to start things off again a few weeks ago as I genuinely missed him. I feel like we're almost the same person. Im just not sure now if this relationship if what I want. Its an hour and a half drive to each others so a long way to go, and he's very set in his ways and does his own thing. Sometimes cant see past the end of his nose.

I feel bad for having these thoughts though as I was the one to drag everything up again. This has happened a couple of times before and I think he's really happy with things this time. I really do care about him and dont want be the one to ruin things and break his heart again but at the same time have to do whats right in my life.

I guess the good thing about the distance i that we can only meet on weekends and not every if one of us has plans.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do whatever you feel like, you are two consenting adults.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As much as I sometimes agree with your advice and like the way you come across I cant help feeling like sometimes you're unhelpful for the sake of it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexi99 wrote: »
    I guess the good thing about the distance i that we can only meet on weekends and not every if one of us has plans.

    I guess this sentence kind of answers your question? If you think distance and not seeing each other very often is a positive thing, are you really right for each other? Maybe a different sort of relationship would make you happier but the boyfriend/girlfriend thing just isn't right?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexi99 wrote: »
    As much as I sometimes agree with your advice and like the way you come across I cant help feeling like sometimes you're unhelpful for the sake of it

    what kind of help do you expect? You didn't even ask a question. You got yourself into a situation you seem to like by the sound of it and he does too? Do you want words of encouragement or dissuasion? Nobody is in a better position to decide on this than you and you have made your decision anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wanted to say, this isn't just a place to ask direct questions.. It's also a place to have a good old brain dump and let others who may have shared experience help out :)

    Sounds like you're feeling torn Lexi - you missed this guy and wanted to rekindle things but now it's not feeling how you thought it might?

    Let us know how things go, have you got plans to see each other at the moment?

    Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know he's away next weekend so not sure when I'll see him next. Just had a long talk with my sister whos gonna help me figure out what to say to him.

    It just feels like I shouldt be having these thoughts at this stage of the relationship. I dont know even know if I want the problem to be sorted and for us to keep seeing each other, or if I want us to break up.

    Is this something every healthy relationship goes through, comes across problems and solves them, or is it a sign of things not working?
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Lexi99 wrote: »

    Is this something every healthy relationship goes through, comes across problems and solves them, or is it a sign of things not working?

    It sounds like you're on the cusp of a relationship rather than actually 'in one' so to speak and that you're just not really sure if you're that into him? It's one thing to really like someone as a friend and want their company because you know they'll be into you and make you feel good, but it's another to actually want to be committed to them and make a relationship work.

    I think yellowseahorse might be onto something... And it also sounds like you're getting some good guidance from your sister so it's great you're talking to her about it :)

    Do you think part of getting back in touch with him was in relation to a fear of being single?

    Try not to beat yourself up if things don't work out with this guy, even though you initiated it, it doesn't make you a bad person at all.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    But just to add, yes it is totally normal to identify problems and solve them together when in a relationship, and that's a really healthy realisation to have. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I can be blunt: it sounds like you've resurrected something old because there's nothing new, or no prospects of anything new, going down. Would it be fair to say you were looking for some intimacy?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have thought about whether its not so much fear of being single or anything but not wanting to let him go, first love, first proper relationship etc. We've always parted on mutual and good terms so nothing has happened to make those feelings go away like having a row. It could also maybe be trying to find some intimacy somewhere.

    Im not sure if I could not have him in my life but at the same time I would be distraught if he started seeing someone else. Im not sure if I want him but I dont want anyone else to have him either.

    Then its coping with the guilt. Every time its been up and down, 9/10 its initiated by me. Suggesting we see each other then ending it because its not working for me. He seems happy to go with whatever happens, and like I said, he does what he does and nobody gets in the way of it. But ive done this so many time before I dont know if i can hurt him again. He seems really happy at the moment and I cant keep messing him around. I cant stand the thought of loosing him from my life either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you don't want to hurt him and you've been together several times and ended it pretty much every time then stay away from it. Be his friend, have him in your life and let him have his happiness. It really does sound like you are just on the look for some companionship and will most probably realize after some time that it's not working for you again, after the hunger has been sated, so to speak.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    If you don't want to hurt him and you've been together several times and ended it pretty much every time then stay away from it. Be his friend, have him in your life and let him have his happiness. It really does sound like you are just on the look for some companionship and will most probably realize after some time that it's not working for you again, after the hunger has been sated, so to speak.

    This. It's not fair on him to keep going back when you're feeling a bit lonely to just get fed up and leave again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it speaks for itself that we havent spoken since monday but Im not freaking out and going through the usual 'oh my god, why doesnt he love me' thing. Im ok with it and not really missing him
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