Struggling to live..

Former Member

Hey, yea me again...

Pretty much I don't know anymore, struggling to live can't see any reason why I should be here, or even how I'm still here. I don't deserve to live anymore and no one appears to understand that. Any attempts that I've tried have failed cause well yea I'm here typing this now..

Mum's left us again, packed all her clothes won't answer her phone, Left me alone with two 11 year olds and my dad.. Like I love me dad and me lil sisters, but I can't cope I can't, I'm trying to do collage work along side working insane hours cause of the Easter holidays. Like I'm trying to keep everyone going money wise making sure that everyone's ok, but I'm not ok. I sat this morning at 3AM and cried cause I was awake....To me that's not normal

Few people that I'm friendly with on the internet asked me last night if I was ok, I lied, said I was fine, deep down she knew I was not ok, she's got enough going on with her GCSE's and I don't want to be the reason to cause problems to her. She deserves to pass. She don't deserve a person like me, I don't deserve anyone.

Anyone I get close to or open up to passes away... My uncle passed away on Thursday, he's the 11th person this year and it's only April... I'm scared to even open up to my family, for the fear that they could be next. Does that make me a horrible person? It's just easer to keep it all in even though it's eating me up inside. Dad's in a bad enough was as it is, he don't need all my rubbish to add to it. He could only have months left... I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I upset last night to, I'm sorry for posting and I'm sorry for being me.

**helen**

Hi suzy,
It sounds like things got really tough for you yesterday and you needed an outlet - I'm glad you felt comfortable to use TheSite.

You put forward quite a complicated situation - on the one hand people aren't able to understand your belief that you feel you don't deserve to be here. On the surface, this is quite a positive thing, because it means that others believe you deserve to be here so aren't letting you say otherwise. However, on the other hand, it also seems to suggest you don't think people 'get you' or get the reasons you believe what you do. Is that what you mean?

You have a lot of responsibility at home - you talk about taking care of your Dad and your sisters and it sounds like this responsibility is both financial and emotional. You also say you're not able to cope. Can you tell us a bit more about that - maybe give us some scenarios to better understand what's going on? For example, when you get home from work, what tends to be your routine? What are the things you have to do in the household?

I know your dad's illness is a massive strain for you too - and grief for someone can start before they've even gone - do you feel the loss is really real to you already?

Aside from this, let's have think about what's going well and how can you build on the positive things?

It sounds like you're managing to juggle quite a few different elements of your life and are making a few friends online. You're right that relying on one friend if they have pressures like exams coming up can be hard. Even if that person is willing to make time for you, it's easy to feel as if you're somehow in the way or a burden. So spreading the load and taking time to chat to a few different people is worth trying out - it could be that even stopping to talk about light-hearted topics can ease your stress and strain a bit.

In terms of your own life - what are you doing that's just for you? I think this is a question that can be hard to answer - but it's the most important element in terms of coping with hard times. If we don't prioritise ourselves in a healthy way, then we quickly get stuck and feel low. As you feel that you feel apologetic about who you are and guilty about some of your feelings, it probably feels hard to recognise that you're deserving - but it's a bit of a negative cycle - we believe we're worthless so we don't do things for ourselves and then because we don't do things for ourselves, that confirms we're worthless because our minds and body suffer.

Just to reassure you, you're not upsetting anyone here - really enjoy chatting with you and hope you come back to post here

Former Member

Heyy **Helen**,

Thanks for the answer, was shocked that anyone did answer so thanks

Looking after dad and the twins is hard, it just like tires you out, like you have no time to do anything, trying to fit my collage work around working and looking after him is like impossible, it's coming more common now that I'm awake all night with dad then doing collage work... I don't really mind about the money side of it much, that's why I work, got to keep the family going somehow.

Depending on me dad and how he is will depend on what I have to do, Like this morning, Went into his room to get him up, his words 'Who are you? What are you doing? Go away leave me alone!' Left him be normally when he's like that he will normally come around, sooner or later he got out of bed and got dressed, got him shaved, got his medication and a cup of tea. Just shortly after that he had a panic attack, even though I've seen him having them before they are still like really hard to see, I know it sounds weird but like seeing him like that it's hard, like I wish he never had to go through it, I like just wanna swap places with him.

Normally when I come home from work around 11PM I'd get him upstairs, shower/bath, Shave him (If not done in the morning) get him into bed, sort him out with his night medication, then just sit on the floor to ensure that he does fall asleep and then just check on him every 15/20 mins after that just to make sure he's not like fallen out of the bed or nothing.

I don't like just relying on the one person, I did have more people that I could talk to that did know where I was coming from, but cause I turned 18 I lost that support, so I guess like all of this has just been like building up and up and I just had it...

At the moment I don't really do anything that's just for me, I don't have the time. I don't deserve to have any time for myself, I don't deserve people to be nice to me, I don't! I am worthless I know I am! I've always believed that and I always will, I've been told it that often that even my brain know's it's true. I'm always being told that I'm a No-One, that I'm useless, Everyone's told me, Why should I not believe it? It must be true if everyone is saying it.

Sorry once again.

Former Member

suzy, you know im always here for you no matter what! i cant always be the best help, but you can rant away and im here to listen and cheer me owlie up! i know things are really hard but your strong and im glad you wrote this on here, so others can help x

Former Member

All of a sudden these feelings have came back, for no reason I'm sat crying my eyes out trying to stay calm but it's not working, my breathing's like short and fast and me heads all spinny... I'm really scared I'm sorry

Former Member

Hey suzy, I understand how hard it is to feel like you're the main carer of a family when you should be out living your own life! I know it all seems pretty pointless right now and i also now how alone you must be feeling but just remember - you aren't. If you ever need to stress/relieve some anger out im always here and willing to listen:) I know you recently lost support which you relied on but they're plenty of other places to turn to - here being one of those. I really hope things pick up again for you soon! stay strong.

Former Member

It is pointless... I love my dad to bits but just sometimes it's just like really hard, I know that makes me sound like a right twat, but like you don't know what way his mood is gonna be, like this morning, postman rang the doorbell and my dad went apeshit at him for ringing the doorbell... Thankfully all the postmen and postwoman know what me dad's like but that's not to point.

I'm missing everyone at the moment, I want me brother just to tell me it's all gonna be ok, I want me nana just to hug me and tell me that somehow things will get better... I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry.

Former Member

That doesn't make you a twat - it makes you a human being. Having such a huge responsibility is always going to be hard and you're showing your strength just by trying!

I know your missing everyone but I'm sure they're thinking of you.

Have hope that things will get better because they will it just takes time

Former Member

At the moment.. I really don't see how this could possibley get any better. Spoke to brother on the phone there, he loves being in Scotland loves the new job. I am so happy for him but at the same time want him home. I miss him.

My Nana just missing her more than ever, I can't get the last words she said to me out of me head, I keep playing the same hospital thing over and over and over again, We where really close and I was there when she did pass away, I can't get that image out of me head at all... I just want to join her now I'm sorry

Former Member

I know it all seems rather dark right now but it will get better, it always does. Time is all you have to give it. I know its easier send than done but i know you can do it . Its normal to miss him, im sure he misses you too.

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure your Nana is looking down on are you and feeling very proud of every your doing at the moment and she most definitely isn't ready for you to join her! you've still got so much ahead of you, you can and will make it through this

Former Member

She will be looking down and thinking what a fuck up, what a useless person cause that's all I am. I'm a no one I can't do anything right. I broke my promise to her (Not to Self Harm) Lost count of how many times I've broken that now... What a stupid person I am. She would be so dissiponted.

She would be so proud of my brother, I keep finding myself going to phone her to tell her how James is getting on, then I just stop and think.. What am I doing she's not even here. She was not here to see him pass out to see him get his dream job, she would have loved to have been there, I just know it. I have done nothing for her to be proud of apart from let her down as I normally do.

I'm sorry.

Former Member

No she wouldn't. You've had a slip up, everyone has them. Its normal. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it. She'll have her own reasons to be proud of you. Simply being here is enough to make her proud, i am sure. You're having a tough time, it does not mean your any less of a person.

Former Member

It does. I'm ment to be strong for everyone else, dad today was just something else, took him to the loo as normal then all of a sudden he was saying he could not get his brain to allow him to swallow. Spent over an hour with the saliva just flowing out of his mouth, never ever seen him like that before, never felt more useless in all my life..

And to top of my shitty feeling, I've only gone and failed me Driving Theory for the second time!

Former Member

You can't always be strong. We all break - its normal. I'm sorry you've had a tough day with your dad but with everything going on, your mind must be very clouded so failing your driving theory isn't something you should beat yourself up over

Former Member

It's my second time failing it though.. I just want everything back to the way it was, I can't stop crying I'm really really sorry

Former Member

You're expressing emotion, no need to be sorry!

Former Member

There is a need to be sorry. I'm just a useless waste of time and energy, I'm not allowed to express how I'm feeling normally. I'm so selfish for posting here. I'm sorry

Former Member

Youre not a waste of time/energy! It is not selfish at all, this forum is here for you to vent! It's good that your using it! Better than keeping it all to yourself

Former Member

Nope, this forum is for other's, I don't belong here, I don't really belong anywhere no more, don't deserve to be here. I should keep it all in then people don't worry or panic and everyone's happy.

Former Member

No, it's for everyone - no matter what. I'd worry more if you stopped replying.

Former Member

I'd be better off if I stopped replying...

Everything at homes just getting worse, Mother owes a lot of money to a lot of different people, The bank have now put a block type thing on our account so we can't get any money out... Which is kindof shite cause we need food... I don't know if they can do that without telling you somehow? But I don't know anymore. I'm sorry

Aurora

Suzy,

This forum is just as much for you, as it is for anyone else, you can post freely as much as you want, and so can anyone else, it doesn't make a difference, it being a message board people can choose who they respond to, or even respond to everyone if they wanted to, and it's great seeing you as a member of the community. People only worry because they care, and I'm without doubt people on here care a lot about you, as I know I do!

It's your choice whether you stop replying or not, but I do hope you continue to seek support on here, if not, somewhere else. It sounds like you have an awful lot going on with at home at the moment, and I can imagine home would be quite stressful if you're money dependant and looking after your father to, do you get any support looking after him at all? Do you think theirs any chance of you going down to the bank and talking the issue of money through? I do think the bank have been rather careless if they hadn't given you a warning or anything about the account closing.

Does your father get, PIP, at all? Not sure if you can get it in Ireland or not? It's like Disability living allowance?

Best wishes,
WhispersOfTheHeart

Former Member

The bank won't talk to me cause I'm not my mother, She took a loan out few months ago and just stopped paying it... Father does get DLA (Disability Living Allowance) but it comes in once a month and it's gone.

Was talking to me Uncle last night for a while he always knows how to make me smile, managed to cheer me up, got the news about 5 mins ago that he's passed away... He passed away in the early hours of the morning I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry.

Former Member

suzyg wrote: »

got the news about 5 mins ago that he's passed away... He passed away in the early hours of the morning I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry.

Suzy is this your dad? I am so sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of hugs. You will get through this, look how far you've come already. Just keep doing what you've been doing because you're doing so well. We are here to support you through such a difficult time. Allow yourself to grieve and rest and most importantly, look after yourself - you DO deserve to. I look forward to chatting with you on Sunday evening if you are around for chat. Do chat on here if you need support in the mean time though. A lot of people know what it's like loosing a loved one, me included when I lost my mum. Big hugs and loves xxx

Former Member

Na Rach lovely, My uncle, me and him get on really well and he was like helping me with me dad and I was talking to him last night really made me smile. .. My uncle was like a second dad to me, I know that sounds weird, but to me he was like a dad, even told me to call him dad if I wanted to. *squishes tight* I just like sat here, trying not to cry, Like I wanna cry but I don't cause I've got to be the strong one for everyone else. I'm sorry.

Former Member

suzyg wrote: »

trying not to cry, Like I wanna cry but I don't cause I've got to be the strong one for everyone else. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry lovely. I am so glad you got to speak to him last night, did it help you? I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time at the moment. It is okay to cry Suzy, it's lovely of you to think about everyone else, but it's important you let yourself grieve too. It's an important process. You'll get through lovely honestly. Other people will understand that you're upset, you are allowed to be. You're going through so much at your age, at any age! Try to do something for you during today. Look after yourself. You deserve to so much.

Former Member

It did help it helped a lot. He was amazing, one in a million, could always pick me up when I was down, he just knew how to. He was helping me with my scrapbook of memories and we where looking back at like some of the photos and stuff and laughing. I can't even bring myself to look at it now.. I've had to hide it under my bed.

It's not ok to cry though, I can't show that I'm upset I have to keep strong for dad and the twins, they need me now moreso than ever before.

I'm really sorry for bothering you all with this I'm sorry.

Former Member

How are you feeling today? hope you're slightly better!

Former Member

I'm a lil iffy... BUt never worry bout me. Hope your ok

Former Member

Just read the posts about your uncle, sorry to hear that! you're not bothering us at all, its good that you can get things out here and if it bothered us, we wouldnt reply!

Former Member

Thank you lovely. I feel like I'm bothering people though. Welcome to TS Btw

To top it all off my knee has popped out of place... Why do I think that an 11 hour shift is gonna be fun me things....Sorry