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She needs a break.. I'm not coping well at all, it hurts like hell and i'm worried

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have been seeing this Polish girl since new years eve, last year i started meeting her she told me she didn’t feel it, i kept seeing her and told her she meant a lot to me, and we started the new year giving things a go, so things must have changed in her mind to give things a go.

We have gone three months with lots of sex and lots of nights spent together, almost guaranteed if we wanted to meet we just would, she is a very driven girl and doing well at University, she is very sweet and happy and pretty good looking. I find her personality very attractive and someone who after spending so much time with was ready to and had been thinking about taking things further with. Over the course of seeing each other she had been messaging me and a couple of mornings texting me to say “morning handsome” and telling me she is going to sleep but a shame there is no loving arms around her, when she is at her own bed.

She even had her mum come over from Poland and she wanted me to meet her, i was a little nervous but we all three of us went on a walk together, afterwards she said thanks to me for making the effort and said it meant a lot to her.

Anyway i asked her if she would like to be my girlfriend a few weeks ago and she didn’t want to make the promise and she didn’t know, and didn’t want to hurt me she said.

We would meet up after her finishing work often and we were going to meet on the firday night to talk more about this, and she messaged last min to say she was too tired to meet and could we the saturday, when the same thing happened saturday i was pretty upset and worried. I messaged her the sunday morning asking if we could meet for breakfast or something and the vibes were off, she replied to tell me what she had to do today as if she was too busy and anyway eventually she came over. I made us breakfast together and we had another chat, she told me that she had a deadline of the 28th April to get her final work completed at Uni and that she wanted to get it done for the 20th ahead of schedule, she told me she really didn’t have time to spend together as it would affect her work.

I told her i understand and want to support her with it, and that if it is time that she needs i will give it to her. I also told her that i hoped we could pick things up when she had completed this work, she said we’ll see.

To wrap things up, i feel so bad like i cannot function, i feel borderline depressed.

Am i over reacting? Is all she needs time? the problem is i have no reassurance about things and in fact lots has pointed the other way.

I have told her i will give the time she needs, and i have taken the time away very badly, it feels horrible not being in contact with her, the urge to contact her comes every hour, every day.. So far i have managed pretty well i would say, but initially i guess i tested the waters with a little hows your day going text, and got the expected reflected message back, i've noticed she has cut out the kisses at the end.. I messaged her today as well, my friend thinks i should keep in touch casually and not put pressure on her..

I think she also said that things with us were affecting her work, so that’s fair enough. She also text me to say that after our talk we had last, she was unable to work that night..

I really miss her, and it feels so easy to just send her a quick “i miss you message” or something that triggers memories of our times together.. than wait two weeks feeling like this, or even ask how she is, so far i have been holding off:crying:..

The ultimate question is, what is best, do i wait it out and give her the time, or do i casually let her know i am still thinking about her and want to help anyway i can to help her with her work.

Any comments truly appreciated.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If someone says she needs time for work I would not expect to hear "we'll see" after I tell her about picking things up were we left off. Idk, maybe it's just an excuse. If after such a long-ish time she does not want to be your girlfriend I guess she just didn't feel like commitment but just enjoyed the attention and sex. I guess all you can do is wait out her work deadline.

    Apart from that, you do give me a bit the impression of insecurity and clinginess and overthinking. As if you try to define your happiness through another person (like a relationship partner). If this remotely rings true for you, then you have a bigger problem to solve, because this is usually a recipe for disaster in a relationship.
    You really need to get a hobby or something. Your time passes reaaaally slowly, because all you do is thinking about her and how you miss her. Her time passes real fast, because she has work to do and a deadline to meet. So all she sees is floods of "i miss you", "how are you?", "how's your day?", "I am so lonely.". "pls come over lets have a chat.", "fancy a biscuit for tea time later?" texts. This gets quite boring quite fast.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey goddog - it can be really torturous when you don't know where you stand with someone you really like.

    As Strubbles says, one thing that could help is to find ways to fill up your own time so that when you do see her or contact her you have your own news. That could help to take the pressure off a bit - it sounds like she is feeling quite a lot of that from her uni work, you've been really understanding in giving her space to get this done and it's quite common for relationships to be affected when one or the other is having to study really hard.

    It may be that there is something else at play here in terms of how she feels, she's certainly given you some quite mixed signals by the sounds of it. As Strubbles says, her answer of 'we'll see' doesn't really give you much to go on and it must be hard to be left hanging like that?

    It may be that for now she feels she has to focus on uni and then she can start to clear her head about other things, it's hard to know for sure what's going on for her. For you, I guess it's a question of how long you feel prepared to wait? And how you get through this time?

    Do you think you could focus on yourself for a while? Perhaps go out with friends? What sort of things do you like doing?

    I hope it helped to get all this down anyway - do let us know how you are *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS thanks for your reply, I intend to wait out her work deadline to complete. I have agreed to do this, to say it has been tough is an understatement, i found myself an emotional wreck and was dwelling on some of the uncertainties. I would say it is has been a learning experience, though i would agree in that i have been overthinking this and been insecure about my own value, something which a week on I am on course to improving. Just to confirm I have NOT been flooding her with messages at all, i have sent her 3 messages since we last saw each other, although one was definately far too long winded and reassuring, i have had replies from her though they were pleasant and polite they didn't invite further conversation, she needs her space. Thanks for your reply
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jo thanks so much for spending time to reply to me. It has been a shock to the system and probably as extreme emotions as they could be, i'm on the mend now though thanks to a positive outlook and having people to talk to, friends and family and nice people like you and others on the forums. I don't even intend to message her at all now, she has asked for the time so yes i hope she sees that i am supporting her the only way i know i can.

    Your right it has put me in a difficult position, with regards to how much time i'm prepared to put into this, I'm thinking I am going to give her the space to heal and work and then casually engage her again the day before the deadline to wish her luck, that will make it three weeks of no contact, giving some space in between us which fingers crossed will allow us to to try to start over, start over in that I think something must have tipped her feelings down lower, maybe i will try to be more busy in my own life and be more varied in our time spent together and make her see that she can have fun with me again in the future.

    Her future is not sure for her though, she is not sure she will stay local after uni. I have the positives to speak of, ie her reason to concentrate on her uni work seems fairly important in her final year, and also we are still on speaking terms.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    also Jo I don't have enough to do i think, i play the drums but we only practise once a week. I'm fairly good and am known with the band and the drums so that is good, but doesn't take much time up at the moment. I did go to play Squash last week, and was hoping to play some more this week. Your right i need to fill my time so that at least it makes my time go faster.
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