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Relationships and Girls....

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

This is kind of embarrassing for me, I know it shouldn't be but it still bothers me. Bascially, Im 18 years old and I have never had a relationship, that doesn't mean I don't want one because I do, pretty badly to be honest but there's an issue, I find it really hard to talk to Girls, I get so shy and nervous and I get tongue tied so no words come out, I can't approach or start a conversation with a Girl and even when they start the conversation I can only say one word answers Im that shy and It comes across like I don't want to talk when I do It's so embarrasing for me and frustrating.

All of my friends have or have had Girlfriends so I feel kind of.... left out or isolated? I don't want a relationship for the sake of fitting in, I want a genuine, meaningful relationship with a nice, loving, caring Girl who I like and she likes me back (Kind of sentimental, sorry :D). There's also this thing about me still being a Virgin, again I don't know why I'm letting it get to me or letting it embarrass me but it does, I know Virginity isn't a physical "thing", It's just in my mind but still I'm concerned about it because all my friends, well most of them anyway, have had sex and it just makes me feel isolated again when there talking about sex, sex is already a difficult thing for me to talk about let alone when there talking about something I haven't done, again I don't want sex just to fit in, Sex will come when It comes, Im willing to wait, I'd rather have a meaningful relationship with the right Girl before that happens.

Anyway thats pretty much it, How do I be more open and confident around Girls? I really want to meet the right Girl but how am I supposed to do that when I can't even talk to Girls? It's so frustrating for me :(


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Savant :),

    First of all…Welcome to TheSite :thumb:– it’s really great to have you on here.

    Reading through your post, I really admire your courage. This really means a lot to you it seems and it must not have been easy writing all that out in detail. It was a very bold move mate *high five*. That is certainly an admirable quality the “right” girl would appreciate in the future.

    Have you considered not defining yourself by your relationship history with girls? This might take a bit of pressure off when you go out to meet girls. Possibly start off with the intention of getting to know each other just as mates and then see where things go. There is this article on TheSite which would be a great for you on boosting your pulling confidence. http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/boost-your-pulling-confidence-3192.html. Turning on the charm as well is always a bonus; another handy article here on flirting. http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/flirting-3197.html. Let us know if any of that seems useful?

    Can I just reassure you that you’re not less of an individual because you haven’t had sex. Whilst you might not be able to contribute in detail from lack of experience during conversations with your friends being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve got some great advice about feeling like the only virgin left here; http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/virginity/only-virgin-left-3338.html. One thing the article says is: “Sex, and being sexy, is in many ways about confidence. So stop thinking “I’m a pathetic virgin” and change it to “I’m an attractive decent person anyone would be lucky to sleep with”.

    Don’t sweat the small stuff mate – from what you’ve written it sounds like you want your sexual experience to be something meaningful not necessarily done as a box ticking exercise to fit in. That’s something to be proud of. I know how difficult this can be with increasing pressure but try not to get too worked up over it. You might also find our article on shyness useful to read: http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/friendship/shyness-3326.html

    Let us know how you get on

    Stay safe man :wave:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, thanks for replying

    I try not to think much of my lack of experience but its hard. I really wish I could try to just be friends but it's the problem of there not being many Girls where I live, and the girls that do live near me probably won't want to know me anyway because they know how shy and quiet I am, so yeah, thats a pretty big problem with this :( I wish I knew of ways to meet new Girls because then I can actually put things into practice, even if I just become friends with one, thats one more friend right? :) I just know that I won't be getting to know the girls near me
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, short of magical potions and spells I don't really see any way of getting a girlfriend without being able to talk to a girl first. So practice. Either with a female friend or in front of a mirror. It's just a step below training to hold a presentation of your thesis (for example) in front of a huge crowd.

    You basically know where the fault lies, but you don't yet want to admit that this is the elephant in the room and try to get suggestions to work around it. I don't want you to believe I am the player who gets 'em all, because I suffer - to a degree - of your problem as well, but whenever I made it happen in the past I had to jump over my shadow and just do it. Doesn't mean it was all success, but there is no success without doing it.

    If you suffer from self-confidence issues I would recommend doing things that make you feel good about yourself and therefor raise your self-worth. The easiest way that works for a lot of people is working out. Not looking like a lanky man or a little chubby also maybe improving your posture already does a lot for your well-being and the way people recognize you. Having something you are passionate about helps too. It is usually easy to talk about and if it's not something creepy like collecting people's toe nail clippings people like seeing someone light up and excitedly talk about what they have accomplished/made/done.

    In summary, there is nothing than just doing it and you can do some 'preparations' so you come over as a self-confident being that people are drawn to. The second part is exposure. The more you are in contact or surrounded by women of course the higher the chances you find someone you like, someone who shares a passion with you (be it table football [or some call it foosball] in the pub), or maybe even someone who approaches you.
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    Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hey Savant

    I was just wondering reading your post - do you find it difficult talking to all girls, or just ones you're attracted to? Do you have platonic female friends that you get on with easily?

    There's a difference between not being used to talking to women in general, and getting shy speaking to someone you find attractive. I thought that might be a useful distinction to make in working out how to improve things?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Please dont worry

    Hi, please don't worry too much, never let what others do or say you should do affect you! Its great you know that you want to wait to find the right person and don't just want anyone. I don't think anyone should have a relationship just for the sake of having one. I know its hard to find someone. I was 22 when i met my current and first boyfriend and lost my virginity, in a situation where i didn't feel pressured and i didn't regret it either. Im glad i waited! Not all girls are judgmental. We don't all expect guys to be perfect with communication or confident. I was and still am quite shy. I found my boyfriend on badoo (hope its ok to mention that, in new so sorry if its not) we both went to the same college at roughly the same time. He's a similar age, lives locally, we met up a local cafe, i was careful about it. 10 months later we are still together. Most importantly it will happen when the time is right if you stick to the values you have about relationships. You should be proud of your values not embarrassed!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And as for advice on how to talk to girls, my advice might not be useful or very good, but when you are out and about try to build up your confidence by randomly saying hi to people, or talk about the weather or checkout assistants etc. Just a brief little chat to anyone will hopefully help you find it easier to talk to people. Once you do this regularly itll help build your confidence with talking and who knows you could build on it and eventually meet someone you like and start talking. Remember, not everyone is judging you, don't worry about what others think. I know its easier said than done, but you never know just try it. Your little comment might make someone's day, itll make you feel better. If you struggle to get words out don't stop or get embarrassed, keep trying, most people understand that not everyone finds it easy to talk to others.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You mention your friends have girlfriends. Start there. The pressure will be gone because they are the off limits. Try making an effort to get to know them as friends, they could be around for a while. Once you've got used to talking to them without the pressure it will be easier to talk to other girls. The other side of it is that girls know other girls and they talk. If you make the effort to get to know them they may start introducing you to their girl friends. And instead of being the weird quiet lad, you will be introduced as "I know a guy called Savant, he's quite shy but he's a really nice guy, do you want to meet him?". I couldn't talk to girls until I left school and made an effort to make friends with them first. I made friends with girls and they introduced me to their mates.

    Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk
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