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Relationship vs friendships

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have been with my amazing boyfriend for eight, blissful, months now and although we've not not fallen out about it there is only one tension we experience...that difficult balance between friendship and our relationship.

Right from the start we've tried to make sure we don't forget our friends as we both know friends stick around should anything go wrong but we also, naturally, wanted to spend a lot of our spare time together.

Prior to me coming along my boyfriend spent 95% of his time with his friends and lives with one of them too. He also works full time and is sports mad so goes training x2 a week and plays on a weekend. On average I was seeing him 3-4 nights/evenings a week and usually sunday's together but a lot of the time it's a lot less than that if we're both busy (we don't live together yet).

From the start he's got grief from his friends about how much time he wants to spend me with. They had specific nights out were I wasn't invited - yet I had to listen to what an amazing time they all had without me. His housemate in particular acts like I have stolen my BF from here and wants him to stop inviting me to group things so they can spend time together like the "good old days".

My BF reckons they are just joking but I can really sense nasty undertones at times. I'm sorry but when exactly am I supposed to see my boyfriend when he's not at work, training or sporting?? Is he supposed to spend all his spare time with his friends?!

From the beginning I have been myself, perhaps making an effort at the beginning to be "one of the gang" but since I just got grief for spending too much time with him I stopped trying to do group things.

I have never once said my BF "oh please don't spend time with your friends tonight, I want you to be with me" - in fact, I quite like the peace and quiet cos I watch my crap TV! But I am getting a little upset by the constant grief he gets. When exactly do they want us to see each other?

Or should I just get over it, after all they were in his life much longer before I came along?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is it a bunch of lads? Or a mixed group of friends?

    If it's a mixed group of friends, I'm slightly surprised by their objection to having you along. I guess my expectation would be that for general mixed group social stuff then a boyfriend/girlfriend would join in some stuff but not everything. If it's a night out with say all football people then I wouldn't go along. If it was a night out with football people, some other halves, and some friends of friends then I'd probably go along.

    That might be more rambling than any use.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there :)

    Firstly it's really good that you have a strong relationship going and its a shame that the friendship problem is getting in the way. It musn't feel nice. However you have to strike a balance in between how much time you spend together and what can get too much. We've all pretty much been guilty of spending a lot of time with a partner without realising that we maybe leave our friends behind. From your point of view I can tell why you feel like you're being pushed out, but you have to see this from his friends points of view as well, especially if they're a group of lads.

    We all love and need our own personal spaces and he needs to have some time alone with his friends and you should have the same as well with your friends :) Him spending time with his friends without you shouldn't upset you, but this doesn't excuse his friends from upsetting you. If the problem is really bothering you, maybe you should have a decent chat with your boyfriend and possibly his friends as well explaining how you feel and sort out days where you can see each other but also to have your own space days as well. Make it clear that you don't want to put a wedge between your boyfriends friendships and if they're decent people they'll understand and respect your views too.

    Let me know how it all goes :)

    R xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Quite frankly, if they have a problem with you hanging around your boyfriend then it should be them who should just leave you alone. I mean yeah friends are needed and they will always be the part of lives, but they should understand it too that you two need some space as well. I suggest you talk to your boyfriend about this, there shouldn't be any sort of hesitation, after all it has been quite a long time. Trust me if your boyfriend loves you, he will figure this issue out anyhow..
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    dude, there boys ... they don't understand anything unless you tell it straight :P but maybe try 2 or three nights a week you spend it apart ... like a lads night out and a girls night out ... remember, chicks before dicks ;) that way yous can have a girly catchup, and can spend the rest of the week with your boyfriend :)

    sorry, not much help :L I'm the opposite, i hate being in relationships cause of constantly being with them :P
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for all your responses, much appreciated. Well we had a big chat about it, and him being mister nice guy tried to sell it to me that the friends (both male and female) were just joking and I didn't need to make a big deal of it. He says he'll decide how much time he wants to spend with me and not them. We're now looking forward to moving in together and starting the next chapter of our lives :D
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Curvy_lass wrote: »
    Well we had a big chat about it

    Hooray! Glad to hear things worked out :)
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