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Really struggling to cope with life

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
I got told today by my mum that she is disappointed in me and I can 100% understand that. I am a disappointment to my family, my friends and to myself. I have reached the stage where I don’t even feel like I know who I am anymore and I don’t know how to get the old Lauren back. I have so much anger and hate towards myself that I don’t know what to do with all of this emotion. I am hurting my family much more than they ever deserve and I continually have done since I was 12. They don’t deserve this and for me to be around. I keep thinking that I have reached the worst I can feel but then I keep on reaching even lower points. Right now I see no point in my life and even living. If it wasn’t for my family having to pick up the pieces I don’t know if I would be able to be strong enough not to end everything. If I was living on my own with nobody else to think about then I would definitely be trying to take my life right now. Just writing this upsets me that I have let myself get to this point. Cutting seems to get nowhere and gives me a very short amount of satisfaction in terms of a distraction and physical rather than emotional pain. The less effective this is then the more I want to do it and the worse I want to do it. I dreamt last night that my mum saw my cuts and I saw the disappointment and pain on her face. They don’t deserve me as their daughter. I am a failure and a disappointment. I can’t go on like this. My anti-depressant dose has been doubled but still I am feeling like this. I think that I am feeling low less often (but still most days) but when I do feel down it is definitely lower than before I was on the meds. I think I am going to stop taking them. I scare myself because I have over 250 tablets due to how much medication I am on. I think about taking all of them all the time but one of the things that stops me is that it’s not a guaranteed form of death. Whenever I walk down the road I want a car to crash into me or something like that. I hate how I am thinking like this and what I am doing. Everything happens for a reason right? Well that means that I did deserve it all as everything that happened to me when I was younger was meant to happen and the stroke and how I have had to drop out of uni again was meant to happen. All my parents friends children are graduating uni and getting jobs and then there is me who can’t even get past first year. I have no motivation to do anything and can’t concentrate on anything. I hate my life so much and feel I have nothing to live for :(
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug*

    Really well done for posting on here.

    You are not a disappointment to anyone. We're friends, and you are not and never will be a disappointment to me. You're family and friends love you, your sister looks up to you, they all care about you. You'll never be a disappointment to anyone.

    I can tell you about the Lauren I know, the Lauren I would never change for anything. You're kind, you're funny, you're brave, you're strong, you're inspirational, you're the most best friend. Look at everything you have been through. you've got through so much, remember that as you're fighting to get through this stuff.

    I know you want to be happy, and you can be, it just depends on what steps you take to make that happen. Let me tell you though, you are trying so hard LC and that, in itself, is brave. Keep doing what you're doing, keep trying, keep fighting, you'll get there eventually.

    Fighting the urges to end your life are so hard and the fact that you are fighting shows how strong you are. Please try to make as many plans as possible with your friends and family over the next few weeks. I know it's going to be hard for you, not having any appointments, but you can do it. Maybe try to give the action plan a go too? I know you don't want to but it might really help you. Calling samaritans can help too, just having another person at the end of the phone to listen to you.

    Please don't ever think you deserved any of the stuff that has happened to you, I promise you didn't. Nobody deserves anything bad to happen to them. I know what happened is horrible but this stuff makes you stronger, and makes you who you are.

    So many people care about you and you have so much to live for. Recently you've been talking about child nursing, that's just one reason to keep fighting. You want to help children, one day you will get there, and imagine the difference you can make.

    I'm here, beautiful, and I love my best friend lots :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel so ill right now and I know that isn't helping anything. As I have a weakened immune system and any change in body temperature sends my brain crazy it isn't helping how I feel. Bonus is I feel too weak to cut or think about ending my life so at least it means I am safer for the time being. I just hurt and ache everywhere. Have taken codeine, paracetamol and ibuprofen but my left side still aches everywhere. Physio today really pushed me but says I am far too tight in my lower back and hip which is why I am in so much discomfort. I'm fed up of hospitals and appointments! I know I moan a lot but I just wish somebody would understand what is going on inside my head so that I could start understanding it. Trying to focus on Christmas to cheer me up but I am straight away scared of when it is all over and everyone is back to work and university and I am stuck unable to do anything with nobody around!
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,167 The Mix Elder
    Hey Lauren.

    So sorry to hear how you have been feeling, sending you hugs.

    Are you feeling any better today?

    It is understandable that you are fed up of appointments and hospitals and you don't moan a lot, and it's okay to talk about things it's not moaning.

    Do you want to talk about what is going on in your head, we are here for you, your not alone.

    It must be tough with that worry about when everybody goes back to work and uni, do you have anybody you could talk to about those worries, a friend, family member? Somebody a bit closer to home maybe, let them know that you need somebody. I am sure people in your life do care about you, as do we.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your reply BannanaMonkey just getting that yesterday when I was feeling a bit down cheered me up :)

    I am okay just got no voice and am really ill at the moment which isn't helping my mood at all. One benefit of it though is that I am too exhausted by the evenings to harm or actually do anything towards ending my life. The appointments stop for a little bit which is really nice actually to have some time away from hospitals but from next Thursday they all start again and in the first week in January I already have 5 different appointments booked. I can't wait for the new year :/

    Close to home I have nobody who I talk to about how I am feeling apart from my psychologist but obviously she is just there when I have appointments which when its not Christmas time are twice a week. So I do feel that I am bottling things up because I haven't got her to talk to like I normally do but know I can't rely on her. Its not that I don't think people would care but I am so scared that people would judge me and treat me differently and I don't want that. I find it really hard to open up and talk to people. At least I have the boards :)
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,167 The Mix Elder
    It's okay. I am glad that it helped cheer you up. That's what I like to hear. I sometimes doubt myself I guess and feel like I am not even helping so thank you. You have jus made me smile :)

    I know that the appointments must be difficult, but professionals do want to help you.

    Sorry to hear that your poorly at the minute, sending you positive get well soon wishes and hugs.

    People wont judge you or treat you differently, and sometimes being treated differently gets you the support you need and deserve instead of battling on your own. Like me I have dyspraxia and at work things would always be tough til I opened up to my manager about my struggles and even though I get treated differently in the sense of I take longer to do certain things, it's better than me struggling. I know it's totally not the same as what your going through but wanted to put an example in that maybe could help you see that being treated differently could help and make you feel better.

    You will always have the boards, we are not going anywhere and we do really care.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm glad I made you smile :). People know that I am struggling with things at the moment and they know I have had to deal with a lot I just don't let on to what extent if that makes sense. I do it to myself though which is why I struggle talking because I pretend that everything is fine and that I am fine. Right now I am focussing on getting better and then will try to psychologically get better too :) onwards and upwards right!!
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,167 The Mix Elder
    I can relate to that. I am the same I often make people think I am fine, and pretend I am fine. It's easier to do that I guess.

    I am loving your positive attitude though, that's awesome

    Sending you lots of smiles and positive wishes, you deserve it :)
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you :) I just hate how I know this positive attitude won't last but making the most of it whilst its here.

    I hope your okay too :) and if you want a chat you know where we/I am *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,167 The Mix Elder
    You can make it last for as long as you need hun, you jus have to believe in yourself :)

    I am fine thank you, always okay me :)
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Even though you just said that you make people think your okay :p
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,167 The Mix Elder
    haha, okay smarty :P
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well you really helped cheer me up and if ever you need a vent or something I'm here. I am pretty good at listening :P
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,167 The Mix Elder
    Thank you :) x
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I knew my positive attitude and good mood wouldn't last for long :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    LC! Is that my fault? What's up, beautiful? *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I promise you that it is not your fault at all. Please don't think that. I am here for you so don't stop talking to me because I feel a little bit rubbish. You talking to me actually helps because it distracts me from my shit!

    I did something stupid today and drove after drinking 3 pints at the pub when I shouldn't even drink on my meds but I thought fuck it and did it anyway. Realised it was stupid and now my friend is really angry at me :( I disappoint everyone
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No its one of my other friends who was there. My friend whose birthday it was had drunk far too much to be aware of how much I had drunk.

    I know it was a stupid thing to do. I am good at making stupid decisions
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We all make mistakes, but we learn from them. You shouldn't let this ruin your good mood.

    What has this other friend said? Is she still talking to you?

    Big hug *hug*

    Maybe you should draw another animal to distract you ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We are talking she is just disappointed but I guess that is because she cares for me. Maybe I will :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She does care for you, she's probably just worried because something could have happened. It'll be okay.

    I request a chicken!! Hehe ;)
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,713 Part of the furniture
    Hey there Lauren,

    Even though I'm just going to repeat everything I've told you on Facebook earlier/late yesterday/today, I'm bored, so have it again :P - I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time, it sounds like you're friends being rather unfair, but it does sound like she's doing it out of the kindness of her heart (She loves you).

    To add on, there's no point judging something that's already happened, so drop the 'It was stupid' as it's only going to make you feel shittier by adding judgements on to it. 'Everything is as it is' - Maybe you and her could go out together, to the land of Llamaville and try help the Llamas take over the world, one Llama at a time?

    You're an exceptionally strong person, Lauren. You've shown that via the posts you post on here, and the amazing amount of support you offer members, it's truly inspirational, and really does show an amazing amount of strength, and strangely enough enough, you were at a party, which was at a pub, without doubt you were going to drink anyway. But just be careful when on medication...

    Stay strong, and do keep us updated on how you're doing,
    Best wishes,
    Angel
  • katypatatykatypataty Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    Morning Lauren92

    Just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today?

    :) KM @TheSite
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katypataty wrote: »
    Morning Lauren92

    Just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today?

    :) KM @TheSite

    I am okay thank you. Just feel exhausted all the time and that my brain doesn't ever seem to switch off. Have relapsed a lot these last couple of weeks and feel a bit lost without having my appointments but know I can't become to over reliant on them! I just feel like I constantly make the wrong decisions and end up upsetting people.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,167 The Mix Elder
    Sorry to hear how tired you feel lovely. I sometimes struggle with switching my brain off to try and get some sleep. I find music helps, I have recently started to read a book on my kindle app on my tablet and phone, that is helping to chill me out. Maybe trying something like that could help you?

    It's totally understandable that you feel lost without your appointments, they are a support network for you. Doesn't mean you are to reliant on them, it jus means you need that support, nothing wrong with that.

    I sometimes feel like I upset people, but that is my paranoia, but I guess it's about the reassurance from others to know that you haven't upset them, and you haven't said the wrong things on here or upset anybody. *hugs*
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have downloaded a mindfullness audiobook so going to try that tonight. Hope it will help.

    I just know I should be happy all the time as I have good things in my life but sometimes struggle to see what is right in front of me. Most the time I am okay when I am out with friends or busy but its the times when I am at home by myself that is the problem. Its then that I have time to think about things. I don't think it is going to help things but is a distraction I guess but have just got into a relationship with someone which is cool and I really like her but I am scared she is going to find out about the real me. Its not that I am lying to her just not showing her a side to me which I don't want her to see. She does help as is an incentive to stop cutting and not wanting to take my own life.

    I know I have upset people and have pushed people away and hurt people. I am just a horrible person that deserves to not have anybody who cares for me. I say things which are stupid and it hurts people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bonjour ;)

    You know you should be happy all of the time? No. You do not have to be happy all of the time, and it's understandable that you're feeling the way you are because you have been through a lot and you are going through a lot.

    When you're home alone, you say that's when you start to think about things. Are you using the action plan? Rather than letting your mind over think about everything, you should be doing the things on your action plan, and things to distract yourself. So maybe drone on at me about good things, watch some rubbish tv, mindful coffee! I definitely recommend the mindful coffee again :yes:

    As for the relationship.. finally by the way! How many dates do you need to go on :P she cares about you, and she likes you for you, so if and when she does find out about all of the other stuff, it's a part of you and it doesn't change the person you are, so try not to worry too much. I wouldn't blurt everything out all at once though, and only tell her when you are ready, don't push yourself if you're not ready yet.

    You are not a horrible person at all, and I'm sure a lot of people would tell you that.

    I will never stop caring about you and I'm glad to have you back :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Woah posting at 3am. I am impressed :).

    I feel like I pretend to be happy all the time when I'm not. Admittedly I would feel I go low less times but when I do they are really bad. What I didn't tell anyone is I was so close to taking my own life the other day but was stopped by Samaritans. Yes I did phone them so it was me trying to do something about it. So I did use my action plan. I am going to try more mindfullness. I brought a mindfullness audiobook so going to try that. I just sometimes reach the point where I struggle to see the point.

    I'm glad to have you back too lovely :heart:*hug*
  • LauraOLauraO Posts: 535 Miniposter
    Lauren92 wrote: »
    Yes I did phone them so it was me trying to do something about it. So I did use my action plan. I am going to try more mindfullness. I brought a mindfullness audiobook so going to try that.

    Hey Lauren, I just wanted to pop in and say it's really positive that you have an action plan and called Samaritans when you did. You should also be proud of the positive steps you are taking with mindfulness. Let us know how you find the mindfulness audio book and keep staying strong *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not as late as 3am tonight.

    I just want to say really well done on phoning samaritans, and I'm so glad they helped you.

    Sorry, I have no useful advice, just wanted to remind you that I care :heart: we're here and we're listening.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So here goes New Years :/
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