Feel useless.. may be triggering..?

Former Member

I feel like I'm taking steps back and each day it's getting that little bit worse and a bit harder to keep going.

I don't know what the specific reason is for this.. I thought things were supposed to be better now. I feel like I have no reason not to be happy..

I'm getting way too angry at everyone and everything all the time, I'm sad most of the time, I have to pretend a lot and it's so tiring, I never sleep properly, I am living off pain killers, I am sick of crying at every stupid little thing! I don't even know why I'm crying at some things, I just get a sudden overwhelming urge to cry and that's what I do, I'm cutting more than I did.

I just want to give up now.. I'm hardly me anymore

Former Member

Just been crying again.. managed to stop but I still feel like I want to. Uh so tired of life!

Former Member

You are doing really well. The fact that you are aware of how you are feeling and are able to talk about it is a good thing. You are much stronger than you think

Also please believe me that you are not useless and I know I am not the only one who thinks this. Why don't you try and get an earlier night tonight. I can try and work through calming strategies with you and then hopefully you will get a good nights sleep again. Being tired is annoying in itself but it doesn't help with how you are feeling. Also try and make sure you are eating regularly (even if it is just a little bit) as this can also
contribute to your tiredness levels.

You can't give up KC because you are too amazing and helpful and lovely for that. We will all help you so remember you have me and the rest of the boards for support.*hug*

Former Member

I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to do anything.

And you only think I'm lovely because I'm nice to you. I'm not lovely.. I'm too angry and I'm useless.

But thanks LC

Former Member

Why don't you want to eat? I know how you find going to sleep hard and I understand that. How about trying to sleep a bit during the day. That could help.

Former Member

I tend to avoid sleeping during the day as this makes me sleep even less at night time.

I feel like I'm just going to say no to all of these suggestions. It's fine. I'll just rant. Seriously, I'm not going to get 'better' am I?

I don't like putting this on you either, you have enough stuff to deal with.

Former Member

I wish there was more I could do to stop you feeling like this. What do you keep saying to me?! It will get better.....so please believe it for yourself. You have done NOTHING to deserve to feel like this and you are trying to get support on here so obviously you want to feel better and you will. It just takes time but use me and the boards as we are here for you.

Your not putting anything on me. I want to and am trying to help you because you are my friend and not because I feel I have to.

Former Member

I do want to be happy but it seems impossible! I have times where I feel happy for a bit but then *bam* I just crash down again. It's so draining. I feel like there's nothing I can do anymore except the obvious.

Former Member

There is and talking on here or to me is showing that you are doing something and are trying. Its super hard I know but don't give up on yourself

Former Member

I stand by the fact that I am useless.

And to top everything off think there's something wrong with me. My neck, shoulder and arm are killing me I can't even move my head properly. Then I have my back pain.

All that is something to help with my amazing mood...

Bleh. I'm just ranting on again.

Former Member

You are not useless at all. Do you know what the pain could be? You could go and get that checked out tomorrow. What have you taken for the pain?

Former Member

I don't know what it could be. I will go and get checked out in a few days if it's no better. This is just causing me to feel more drained I think..

I've been on the codeine all day but that has only helped my back pain.

Anyway, never mind!

Former Member

Feel like I want to die. One time I can be happy for a bit, then I can be moody, then I can be sad, then I can be moody again, then I can be happy again, it's so annoying. I feel like I'm wasting peoples time with anything. I'm in pain because my stupid back is annoying and I have just remembered while writing this that I have physio on Friday which I'm not going to go to. I'm tired. I cry at stupid things. It's so hard.

But here I am. Because I don't want to put my family and friends through that. I love them, and I love my nephew and I can't do that.
Just wish I could feel happy full time.

Former Member

Hey butterfly,

I just wanted to say not to underestimate the impact of your physical health on your mental health *hug* It sounds like you have been in a lot of pain recently with your back and relying on pain killers. If the pain is becoming hard to manage then as Lauren says, it would be worth getting checked out and talking things through with your GP. It might also be useful to speak to your physio before Friday and explain how things are for you, it may be that they can do a more gentle session with you that might actually help even though you're feeling tired?

I also wanted to mention what you said about 'not wanting to put this on others' - the great thing about posting on the boards is that people can choose to respond if they feel they'd like to. No one here is under any pressure to reply and we are indeed here to listen

Ranting can be a really useful outlet so you're more than welcome to use this space for that.

You said you wish you could feel happy all of the time - I think we all wish that sometimes but actually it's pretty unrealistic! Even people that seem bubbly and carefree all the time will have moment where they might feel anxious or upset or confused. Coping with your moods can be difficult if they're always changing - have you been able to try any mindfulness lately? Another thing might be to think about your triggers - are there times when you can see what has led to you feeling low or snappy and is there anything you could do to manage that?

A bit of food for thought anyway.. hope you're feeling a little brighter this morning

Former Member

Thanks Jo..

I do try mindfulness when I remember. Mostly I use it with my breathing and making a drink, but recently I've started trying to use it when I notice that one hand is colder than the other and things like that.

I guess I could try and look out for what does trigger me to feel low or snappy. I can think of a few things for certain times. Mostly I just thought it was in my head though. I didn't realise there were triggers.

I think physio depends on how I'm feeling on Friday.. it's hard to drag myself out of bed at the moment. I wake up but I just lie there trying to hold tears in. Maybe you're right though, I will think about talking to my physio about the pain.

Will carry on ranting here then, it's where I like to come to.

Former Member

I was feeling good mostly yesterday, so wish I hadn't gone to sleep because when I woke up this morning I felt like crap and now I feel worse

I haven't eaten or drunk anything today but need some tablets.. I already feel sick and I think codeine will make that worse.. I feel angry when I don't even have anything to feel angry about! Nothing has happened but all I want to do is bash my head against the wall. I keep scratching myself because I feel like crap so maybe I should just cut. I give up trying to fight the urges because... ahhhh!!

Former Member

Don't know why I'm posting again.. sorry just feel like I want to.

Finding it hard what can I do? Don't know what to do anymore. Trying so hard to make myself feel happy and it's not working!

Former Member

There is lots you can do lovely. You have made the first step by highlighting on here how you are feeling so you should feel good about that. Think about the times you spend with your nephew and his first Christmas. It's going to be amazing. Do you want to talk about how your feeling. ...big hugs xx

Former Member

My nephews first Christmas I can't wait!

Are you okay? I don't want to put you down..

I feel like crap I honestly just want to end it all.

Thanks for the hugs.

Former Member

Exactly so if you did end it you wouldn't be able to be there. You WILL feel better and you are talking about how you feel which is good

Former Member

I've got to be here haven't I? Just wish it was a good life. Don't know how much longer I can take this.

I'll be okay. Sorry.

Former Member

You are stronger than you think and I'm here to help you. It may take time but you will have an amazing life which you deserve and you will look back on these hard times and see that they have made you a stronger person and part of who you are

Former Member

Thanks.. just wish that seems possible.

Former Member

It is possible though. Your doing the right things lovely. I know how hard it is and how impossible that seems right now but I promise you it will

Former Member

Physio was horrible. He has added some stretches on to my exercises which make my back worse and he gave me a massage even though he knew that the pain is going to be loads worse over the next two days. Ouchhh. Now I'm just in a lower mood! And I feel like a horrible person! And life sucks!

Former Member

Hi butterfly

How long is your physio for? It does sound painful but hopefully it will help your back in the long run.

purple_rain

Former Member

Hi purple_rain.. thanks for the reply.

I'm not sure how long it's for yet, today was only my second session. I tried physio once before over a year ago and it didn't help.. although I hadn't actually been diagnosed with sciatica then so I guess this time they know a bit more about what might help. Just wish it wasn't so painful.

Former Member

Feel like it's going to take a lot of effort to drag myself through today

Former Member

Went to bed at 1 ish, took me ages to get to sleep, and now I'm up. Uh. Feel sick, my back is killing so more pain killers on an empty stomach. Oh what fun.

Former Member

Feel like shitttttt! Feel selfish for feeling like this but ahhh

Former Member

Couldn't stop myself