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Really need someone.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I had really though fitting in with others, after I met this boy I liked that much I changed myself for him. Obviously this was a really bad idea, but what did I know back then.
So this boy made me listen to metal and get all dark and stuff, and that was when everything begun. People laughed, people stopped being my friend and stuff. Like, I mean, I wasn't dressing up all weird, I just had a nirvana shirt and some black jeans, I didn't tease my hair into a mess or anything else that could have made it worse. I wanted to but never did because I knew I would fail. I never wore make-up either.
So all this was bringing me to the point where I didn't know what to do. I started self harming and stopped eating. Passed out many times but told people it was normal and stuff. Whenever I was offered food at my friends, I just spit out everything in the napkins. No one ever though twice at it. But yeah, everything got worse, I started feel so bad I just wanted to end my life, and that was when I one day took my chance and told mom the half story, just that I was feeling bad about myself and wanted to talk at BUP. So I did. I got heavy doses and sleeping pills and stuff like that. It didn't help at all the first months, no, and the doctor said that sometimes there can be days where I feel worse than I usually do. And that first time that happened I was about to meet my boyfriend. I stayed home crying and sobbing and ignored all his calls. Luckily I was home by myself, so no one saw me being ridiculous. Any how. After some months later we broke up and I fell again, but my friends online was bringing me up and not long time after I felt so good about myself. Started eating good and training healthy, even changing back to who I was before (letting my natural hair color come back and stuff) going to school and stuff like that. But now recently I found out my best friend's talking shit about me with my x, my sister is watching me constantly and making fun of everything I do or say, and people at school is making fun of me behind my back, and sometimes they even cyberbully me. Just as I've been vegetarian for five months now, and self harm-free for like, 6-7 months, I feel like I'm gonna relapse any time soon. And I seriously hate it. I've already skipped eating like four days in a row now. And I really don't want to speak about it IRL, even if I know it's really important. But I just can't anymore. What's there to fight for? I can't re-do my past, and that's what everyone's just thinking about. I don't know what to do, and my mom, she doesn't really give a crap. And when she does, she handles it so awkwardly and bad. And right now, I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll look for my razorblades and relapse. My one and only friend doesn't know how it feels being sad (she've told me, and she really tries understanding but does barely) and it's like I have no one. And oh yeah, I have social anxiety which is not helping me recovering that much either. Is there anyone out there who's experienced/ or experiencing the same thing, and would like to chat with me? I really need someone at this point..
So this boy made me listen to metal and get all dark and stuff, and that was when everything begun. People laughed, people stopped being my friend and stuff. Like, I mean, I wasn't dressing up all weird, I just had a nirvana shirt and some black jeans, I didn't tease my hair into a mess or anything else that could have made it worse. I wanted to but never did because I knew I would fail. I never wore make-up either.
So all this was bringing me to the point where I didn't know what to do. I started self harming and stopped eating. Passed out many times but told people it was normal and stuff. Whenever I was offered food at my friends, I just spit out everything in the napkins. No one ever though twice at it. But yeah, everything got worse, I started feel so bad I just wanted to end my life, and that was when I one day took my chance and told mom the half story, just that I was feeling bad about myself and wanted to talk at BUP. So I did. I got heavy doses and sleeping pills and stuff like that. It didn't help at all the first months, no, and the doctor said that sometimes there can be days where I feel worse than I usually do. And that first time that happened I was about to meet my boyfriend. I stayed home crying and sobbing and ignored all his calls. Luckily I was home by myself, so no one saw me being ridiculous. Any how. After some months later we broke up and I fell again, but my friends online was bringing me up and not long time after I felt so good about myself. Started eating good and training healthy, even changing back to who I was before (letting my natural hair color come back and stuff) going to school and stuff like that. But now recently I found out my best friend's talking shit about me with my x, my sister is watching me constantly and making fun of everything I do or say, and people at school is making fun of me behind my back, and sometimes they even cyberbully me. Just as I've been vegetarian for five months now, and self harm-free for like, 6-7 months, I feel like I'm gonna relapse any time soon. And I seriously hate it. I've already skipped eating like four days in a row now. And I really don't want to speak about it IRL, even if I know it's really important. But I just can't anymore. What's there to fight for? I can't re-do my past, and that's what everyone's just thinking about. I don't know what to do, and my mom, she doesn't really give a crap. And when she does, she handles it so awkwardly and bad. And right now, I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll look for my razorblades and relapse. My one and only friend doesn't know how it feels being sad (she've told me, and she really tries understanding but does barely) and it's like I have no one. And oh yeah, I have social anxiety which is not helping me recovering that much either. Is there anyone out there who's experienced/ or experiencing the same thing, and would like to chat with me? I really need someone at this point..
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Comments
I'm really sorry to read about what's happening. You clearly have a lot going on and feel like it's hard to trust anyone.
It sounds like you are worried about slipping back into the bad habits you used to have, which must be scary. However, you seem have a good understanding of your feelings and it's great that you've reached out here.
You mention that this has happened a couple of times before, but also that you've got through it a couple of times before. It might not mean much now, but it shows that you can work through these feelings again.
Can you think of things that have helped before? You said you went to a doctor and got some medication. Did it help after those first few months? You also talked about some online friends helping you feel better. What are the kinds of things they said or did to make you feel good about yourself? Can you talk to them again, or is there anyone else IRL who you trust enough to talk to?
Keep us posted and let us know how you're doing
JPick
Half of them has changed. They're not the same anymore, and they've changed so badly they aren't them selves anymore. They say they've gotten friends and are all busy with things like school, tests and being social. And so now even those who stayed, I've heard many shits from which makes me not being able to trust them so much longer. I now have really bad trust issues with people. And that's because many have stabbed me in my back and I just can't trust anyone so simple anymore. I go days not talking with anybody, just dealing with stuff I need to in school, going home and just stare blankly at the wall, read or just listening to music. I don't feel like there's anyone to talk with anymore. I can't be honest with people. And that makes it hurt more than it should. Like, if I feel like shit, which I do all the time, I just say I'm fine and just tired or something. My friend who was talking to my x behind my back, yeah, she goes to same classes as I do and pretend like nothing. I haven't told her that I know the shit she's been talking about me behind my back (not only with my x, but with many people), and it makes me feel that I have to shut up in school, I can't talk about anything or so, just '' ah '' and '' mmh '' whenever she talks.
It feels lonely, as you sure understand. It's just, I have nobody. It feels like a hole in my chest. There's nothing left of me.
the medication helped really good after some months and it made me feel much more confident about myself for a quite long time, but now it feels like it slowly stops working.. and no, there's no one IRL I can talk to..