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Lack of importance

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I recently moved to university, and as some of you may have seen in another thread, my first serious girlfriend ended it just beforehand and it completely tore me apart and I found it hard to keep everything in good condition as far as eating etc goes. Well, anyway, the first few weeks provided an amazing distraction from this and I rarely thought about it, beyond wanting to tell her things were going well. Now that the novelty has worn off, I feel very very alone. I've made around two friends here, sure others I'd go out with and everything but two -friends-.

I wouldnt feel comfortable complaining to either of them about this, I'm gradually building up a stronger feeling of being un-needed in this world, just another statistic. Of course, family care and everything but that's almost expected, the care you get from someone who isn't related to you feels much different. I felt like I wasn't appealing to women before I'd had that girlfriend, and perhaps that's why she meant so much to me, but once she left I felt even more unattractive and boring. I just want to feel wanted, cared for and... in time, perhaps loved.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey.

    Kind of have some idea of what you're going through... alright my ex and I split after I came into uni but...

    If you two broke up, then hey, wasn't meant to be. One thing to keep in mind is that to someone in the world, you are EXACTLY what they're looking for and you will find them. Problem is if you actively go seeking them, you get saddened when they don't turn up immediately or end up with the wrong person.

    My ex was also depressed and although at first as his girlfriend I was happy to support him, he didn't listen to me when I asked him to get help and I felt more like a dumping ground for his complaints about everything as opposed to his girlfriend. Yet I stayed with him for a while because he was into the same stuff I was. Eventually though I did end it, and it was hard it to do but I knew that it wasn't working. He then proceeded to stalk me over phone and internet for 18 months. This was over the first two years of university. It really screwed those two years up for me and was extra hassle I didn't need.

    If you're worried about a lack of friends, maybe look into joining a society if you haven't already? Talk to a new person on your course perhaps? Maybe even a friend of one of your two already-friends. I made friends with a friend of a friend when I found out he was into the same fandoms as me and even had him as a housemate for a year.

    Point I'm making is that life happens around you and new people will come into your life as friends or potential partners. You just have to be patient. After all, you've only just started university. You've a lot of living to do yet my friend. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for replying.

    Sadly, I find it hard to believe in the whole meant to be stuff, as nice a comfort as it'd be. To be honest I'm rather scared of it all just happening again if I did find somebody else so I'm a little off put no matter how much I want it. Im going back for Christmas and I'm damn terrified of bumping into her at the pub.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey FeboxReborn,

    I don't really have anything useful to say, I just wanted to offer you hugs *hug*

    I want to point out that you must be appealing to women as you got a girlfriend before, and you'll get one again in time.

    I know the thought of bumping into her must be really scary but it'll be fine. Yes, you'll probably get a lot of feelings but if you're a little prepared it might be easier.. I'm not sure though.. I'm saying this on the assumtion that if I bumped into my ex and knew I was going to it'll probably be a bit less hard for me than it is bumping into him without knowing.

    And 2 good friends are better than nothing :) If they're good friends, they won't mind at all if you talk to them about things.
    I've also only got 2 good friends and I'm grateful for that, they're amazing. I only had one not that long ago so it's possible that you will make more, just maybe not straight away.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey - good to see you back :wave:

    What was it about those first few weeks that made you feel good? It might be that you can continue to do some of those things that helped to take your mind off your ex? I'd say it's pretty common when starting uni to have the initial excitement and then you start to settle into actual day to day uni life - part of that will be making connections and starting to make friends rather than acquaintances - it sounds like you've made two already which is actually really positive as butterfly says :) It can still be a lonely time though and I'd be surprised if there weren't a lot of other people feeling the same way as you are. Being thrown into a new environment with new people is no small change so don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself some time.

    Fangirl's suggestion of joining a club or a society is a good one. Finding friends through shared interests can often be a really good place to start - have you looked into that at all? Would you feel able to go along to something new do you think? Finding something you enjoy whilst at uni could help you to feel a bit more motivated.

    In terms of new relationships in the future, they do require a bit of a leap of faith, particularly after a bad experience. Is there anything positive you've learnt do you think from your last relationship too? You can take those things to help strengthen your next relationship too.

    You also mention being terrified of bumping into your ex over Christmas, do you know what it is that is really scaring you about this prospect? It can be easy to play things over in our minds but it may be that the reality of seeing her after all this time is easier than you expect.. if not, then maybe it's about being prepared and thinking about ways you could cope with that situation if it comes up?

    (I moved your thread over into Relationships by the way) :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    -butteryfly

    Thanks aha, does help a bit. I might've had her but not once did I feel like I deserved her :/. I do appreciate the two I have, but they are very different to me and it can make things hard.

    -Jo

    I believe it was the fact that I was so damn busy all the time I had very little time to think about it, that and that everyone was so friendly to each other that I was involved in so much rather than an outcast situation like I'm used to. So, I can't exactly repeat any of that. I have joined the Rock Society and their first social is tonight to fingers crossed. The only thing I've learnt is how much it can hurt really, no matter how much you put in things can fall apart.

    As far as bumping into her, I'm scared that she'd ignore me completely and at the same time that she might talk to me, and in such a case its highly likely she'd mention having a new boyfriend. Even worse than that is if I see her with him. Its been quite a while, yes, but I still love this girl and its hard to forget.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You have to try and think that she didn't deserve you, it's her loss.

    Good luck at the social tonight and well done in joining a club! Let us know how it goes :)

    It's understandable that you're feeling scared of seeing her with someone else, or hearing she is with someone. Try not to worry too much though, you don't know what's going to happen. Yes, I know thats a lot easier said than done. I get how you must be feeling.

    You have friends and family that care, and we care. You're not alone. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The problem with such a gloomy attitude is that it gets you stuck in a devious cycle quite quick. You will be by yourself, because you think others won't like you which makes you even more sad and gloomy. Also being such a downer on social occasions is not really what attracts people. You really need to force yourself and kinda "fake it till you make it" until the sad and gloomy feelings go away by themselves because you are surrounded by awesome people and because you have success with your studies.

    Have as little idle time as possible. Join clubs, meet friends through the two you already got. Do sports. Develop yourself. Do things you can take pride in. As impossible as this might sound to you, you have to know that things don't get better by themselves, only worse and it gets harder and harder to dig oneself out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    -butterfly

    Its hard for me to think like that as much as I would want to. I dont feel unique, its as if I'm one of many like me. The social was an utter failure, nobody really showed up and I'm not sure why. I did see a 2nd year student who I'd met before and arranged for him to come over at some point so I guess that's something. As far as the worrying goes its very much suppressed at the moment by the thought that the night I could see her (new years) I will be surrounded by many friends of different groups who want me to show her I'm happy without her.

    -Strubble

    I can see how that works out and it does feel like something I'm dealing with. In faking it and trying to enjoy myself I've had people tell me they think I'm awesome and stuff but I just still find it hard to believe and I really don't know why. As far as sports go I've been considering boxing as a stress relief if nothing else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    -butterfly

    Its hard for me to think like that as much as I would want to. I dont feel unique, its as if I'm one of many like me. The social was an utter failure, nobody really showed up and I'm not sure why. I did see a 2nd year student who I'd met before and arranged for him to come over at some point so I guess that's something. As far as the worrying goes its very much suppressed at the moment by the thought that the night I could see her (new years) I will be surrounded by many friends of different groups who want me to show her I'm happy without her.

    It is a good thing that you've arranged for someone to come over! :)

    And I know it's going to be hard but you really should try and act like you're happy without her. Don't let her see you're finding it hard because as much as this hurts.. she won't be finding it hard. When I know my ex is outside when I'm walking past I force a smile and pretend that I'm absolutely fine even though all I want to do is cry.
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