Not sure what to say...*triggers*

Former Member

I often have a real down period around my birthday - which is in 3 weeks time.

I've just started EMDR treatment which I know will start bringing out bringing out the worst of my trauma to the surface. I have also had a guy who I really liked bail on me today, which no matter how many times it happens and how much I prepare myself

I really want to destroy myself. I feel like I want to do anything I can to get some adreneline flowing through my veins. I want to start slicing myself up again. I was remembering what it was like when I could physically protect myself and on occasions had to, the feeling of punching someone in order to protect someone else or myself gave me a sense of achievment and power. Now I achieve nothing and have not even the power to climb a flight of stairs. I feel like I am nothing. If I knew I never would hurt anyone right now I would be offing myself right now, because I just a fucking drain. Right now I can feel all the precursors of the fits coming back on, they will just push everyone further away from me, make it harder for me to go out and I'm just going to slip away from everyone and become even more of a shell.

I want to just walk away fro my past from my body but I can't. I feel like I have no distance left to run.

Former Member

I'm feeling constantly anxious...like the world is about to implode

*BananaMonkey*

Sending you big hugs your way right now. I really don't know what to say to help you. But I am just hoping you are okay, stay strong it will get better. Always here if you need a rant, or a chat. Or a virtual hug

Former Member

Hey Miss Riot,

I don't know much about EMDR but from what I can gather it does sound like quite an intense form of therapy and it's understandable that you're feeling anxious about how it's going to play out. Healing from trauma in the past is a tough process and we'll be here listen and support you along the way *hug* It's really important to think about what you will do after each session to make sure you feel safe as well. How often are the sessions?

Sorry to hear it didn't work out with the guy, it's always going to be a knock when that kind of thing happens - you wouldn't be human if you didn't have a reaction to it. It might help to think about the advice you might give to a friend and you'll probably find yourself saying that you need to be kinder to yourself, keep in contact with friends as much as you can and find distractions that can help you to switch off that bit of your brain for a while and just help you to have some rest in your mind. Any ideas?

I also wonder if there any helplines you could call that you've found useful in the past? Or, if you prefer email or text, have you ever tried TESS? They're open 7-9pm tonight (Friday).

Your physical and your emotional health are really closely interlinked so if physically things feel at a low then it's no wonder you're struggling. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you have an awful lot to give and you're important.

Have you got anything coming up this weekend that you're looking forward to or that you could plan to help lift your mood?

Former Member

Im still going through all of the keeping safe stuff before I get onto EMDR proper, but im finding myself feeling more and more down. But if i get dressed and stick some slap on i feel much better about myself. But i'm still getting majorly aggravated by people's attitudes towards me as a disabled person - even people who work for wheelchair services (run by the NHS) who seem to think that me only getting out for 2 hours a week is acceptable! Im going to do some disability awareness talks with my local council housing dept and possibly go and speak to a couple of local schools because ive even had names shouted at me when a friend was pushing me through the park. I'm used to living in an area with a pro-active disability rights group and here theres almost nothing! The council dont even seem to be making accessibility to local businesses an issue which really riles me up! But i just feel so utterly forgotten. I was even called a scrounger by someone who i trained as a make up artist with who saw me being pushed around a shop by my mum. Its all the fucking daily mail and the governments fault but i cant fix it alone!