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Is it strange to be a 26 year old virgin in my situation and do women mind?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
To cut a very long story short my girlfriend passed away in a car accident when I was 17 and we were close from basically the day we were born and were going to get married when we turned 18 but my life didn?t turn out the way I had planned and I went through depression. I chose to blame myself for my girlfriend?s death and I become an alcoholic and got addicted to cocaine because I thought it was the best way to drown my pain and tried ending my life just so I could be with her again but I am still here today and after all those years I can say I am one hundred percent clean. I don?t drink or do any forms of illegal drugs and I have turned my whole life around but I still feel empty on the inside.

As much as I love her I want to move on because I don?t want to live my life alone but there is a part of me that is afraid of getting close to another woman because I might lose them too and that might sound strange to some people but the last woman I got close to a few years ago passed away too so I feel like I have been cursed and I am not sure what I did wrong. I am not looking to lose my virginity just for the sake of it or I would have just gone to a prostitute and to be honest I am starting to think I might be asexual because I don?t think about sex or have any sexual urges and believe my sex drive died when I lost my old girlfriend and maybe the best thing would be to date an asexual woman.

I currently work as a musician, songwriter, music journalist and a part time teacher and some people might think having money makes you happy but I would trade it all in for just a few minutes with my old girlfriend because none of it means a cent to me. I still miss close to a decade later and some days I think I should have been the one who had passed away that day because she had more to live for than me and she was very talented and never got to show the world that. When I lost her I didn't just lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend. Our Mothers were best friends so we basically were very close from when we were born and grew up together and for 17 years I only loved one person.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not strange to be a virgin in that type of situation, and any type of person worth their salt wouldn't mind. Lots of people would still struggle to understand though because they have no way to match their experiences to yours, but there will be many who can glean an idea of what you've been through and are strong enough to stand through it.

    May I ask whether you have undertaken any type of counselling where you've spoken about your loss?
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    *Holly**Holly* Deactivated Posts: 140 Helping Hand
    Hi BillyJ and welcome to TheSite :wave:

    It sounds like you've been through a really tough time. It seems that there's two things going on here, it would be useful to know if you agree. There's the question title of your post - about your age and your virginity status. But it also seems like you're still in a lot of grief about the loss of your girlfriends and still maybe have very powerful thoughts and emotions about what happened.
    What would you say to that?

    In terms of your actual question, Purple_roo is right that decent people wouldn't be bothered by your virginity status. In fact, being an 'older' virgin is much more common than you think. So much so that we wrote this TheSite article called 'The only virgin' left.

    Though you've asked if it's strange, you seem to have quite a healthy attitude towards your virginity and it's great that you've not just lost it because you feel you have to. That shows real strength :)

    However, in terms of dealing with your grief, I was going to echo Purple_roo's question about whether you've ever spoken to anyone about that? Either to someone professional, or even just a close friend or family member? Grief never leaves us, we just learn to make space for it, but it's important to ensure it doesn't rule the rest of our own lives. You've made some amazing steps, and you should feel really proud of yourself for how far you've got already. But it may be worth chatting through your feelings - even if it's just here on the boards. There's always somewhere here who is listening and who cares.

    Take care

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi BillyJ,
    I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend; it sounds as though you've had a really rough time and you certainly don't want to be adding to your worries by thinking about this sort of thing.

    Decent women will not mind at all! They should totally understand; I always have more respect for men who haven't lost their virginity as they obviously have self-respect.

    I'm here if you need to talk,
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the replies. This is a bit long so stick with me.

    After I lost my girlfriend I did go to a few therapists and a grief counselor but I haven’t seen anybody since my friend passed away and I thought the best way would be to handle it myself. She helped me through a lot and I really cared about her but I never told her how I felt because part of me felt guilty for having feelings for another woman that wasn’t my girlfriend and another part didn’t think I could love another person because losing my girlfriend nearly killed me. I wanted to die after I lost her and I didn’t see a point in living anymore in a world without her and I remember being so angry I wanted to break things and I ended up smashing my stereo with a golf stick and after that I broke down.

    I didn’t talk to anybody for over six months and I cut myself off completely from the world and after I tried to kill myself a couple of times my parents took me to a therapist. Seeing a therapist didn’t help much back then because I didn’t want to listen to anybody and I started drinking roughly around that time and later I got addicted to cocaine through some people I met and most of those years are a big blur now and I would wake up in places I didn’t remember going to. I guess I saw alcohol as a form of escape and a way to drown my sorrows (as many say) but I realised after a while it didn’t fix anything and was just making things worse and I hated the person I was turning into so I decided to give it up.

    It wasn’t easy and there were days where I wanted to drink and we had to empty the entire house of alcohol so I couldn’t see it but the one thing that really motivated me was I kept thinking about what my girlfriend would have said to me if she was there and I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me to kill myself and she would have wanted me to try to get my life back on track. It was my friend that really helped me realise I wasn’t responsible for my girlfriend’s death and I should stop blaming myself and she thought I had talent and I was wasting it. I dropped out of school after my girlfriend passed away and I decided to go to TAFE to get the certificates I missed out on and that was where we I met her.

    I passed TAFE and I got my first job and for the first time since I lost my girlfriend I was happy and my family was proud of me and my friend and I were going to go out one night and that was the day she passed away and when I first heard the news I thought it was a sick joke and didn’t want to believe it was true but it was and I fell apart for the second time. I didn’t drink or do drugs again but I chose to never get close to another person and kept to myself and that is where I am today and while I talk to a lot of people I work with because I am required to I don’t get close to them. I think some are under the impression I think I am too good to talk to them most of the time and I am ignorant but I am not.

    They don’t know about my past because I haven’t told them but I think some people are working out a few things from my songs which I use to express myself. Music has always been something that has driven me in life and stuck with me no matter what and my girlfriend and I wanted to be in a band or be a duo when we were older and we performed at lots of talent competitions. She sang lead vocals and she had an amazing voice and if she had lived I believe she would be famous now and while I can sing I prefer to have other people perform my songs. I played guitar and did backup vocals and later I started writing songs and I taught myself how to play the piano, drums, bass, violin and I am learning how to play the banjo now at the moment.

    As for being a 26 year old virgin, I don’t mind because I have had something that a lot of people have not been lucky enough to have found and that is love. My girlfriend wanted us to wait until marriage and while I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to have sex with her I respected that decision and if I do find somebody else one day I probably won’t wait until marriage but I am not going to rush in and have sex with them straight away and it has to be with somebody I love. I recently discovered a term called Demisexual and I believe that perfectly describes me and I am only attracted to women I have an emotional connection with like I did with my old girlfriend and friend and if I find somebody that I love as much as my first old girlfriend I will be happy but if I don’t I already had real love with her.
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