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Sexual incompatibility

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok I'm really just thinking out loud here, getting way ahead of myself.

I'm meeting up with my ex tomorrow, we broke up about 3/4 years ago but have kept in touch here and there, it was his idea to meet up. I'm not expecting anything to come of this meeting but I think he still has feelings for me (why else would he want to meet up)

A million thoughts have gone through my head, part of me is looking forward to it, we're so similar, he was my best friend and boyfriend, I can be totally comfortable around him and be myself and I could maybe see a future with him.

On the other hand, I couldn't see myself settling down and committing to one person, I'm quite enjoying bring free, single and a lil bit slutty, and if I'm honest.... when we were together he wasn't that great in bed.

We were young then so maybe things have changed but if everything else about him was perfect apart from that.... Is that a good enough reason to break it off with someone? It seems so shallow to me but I couldn't imagine a relationship where he couldn't get me off, and mostly wouldn't even try, and I would do most of the pleasuring for him.

Perfectly, reasonable and valid point, as valid as 'he's perfect apart from he drinks and gets violent' (for example) or completely shallow and I should be lucky to even find someone who is almost made from the same mould as me?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't meet up with him thinking you might get back together because 'he'll do' because you don't think you'll ever meet anyone. You're only the same age as me. Also, I got back with an ex after he came crawling back out of the woodwork and he only went and broke my heart all over again a few years later. If it's not what you want then don't do it basically.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it really depends on how highly you place sex in your relationship. I have had to break up with people because they haven't known a clit from an elbow and I don't feel bad about it. For me its fairly important to have a reasonable of sexual compatiblity. But on the other hand, if he's willing to learn you could have great fun teaching him!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Depends. If he's lazy in bed then that's broadly his issue. If he doesn't know what turns you on then that's broadly your fault.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So I shouldn't feel bad that being the reason to breakup with someone?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexi99 wrote: »
    So I shouldn't feel bad that being the reason to breakup with someone?

    Not if sex is important to you (how important it is is totally personal)

    Is that the reason you broke up?

    Or are you already preparing your reasons to split up with him if/when you get back together? :confused:

    I'm with Ballerina....never go back to someone just because it's "comfortable"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We broke up because we were seeing each other when i was at uni and we lived nearby, then i moved home for the summer and he decided it was too far. I was totally prepared to go and visit him, i didnt mind. Then i went back in september, he suggested we meet up again (surprise surprise) and it wasnt the same, there was no spark or romance and i began to feel a bit used for sex (for example, i once told him he wouldnt be able to have sex one week cos i was on so he said lets just meet up another time)

    Ok writing all that makes him seem like a douche and tbh i had actually completely forgotten all of that bit. The bad sex wasnt the dealbreaker but being used like a sex toy and not being played with very well was a big turn off.

    Gah i dont know, im so confused. I do genuinely care about him, i dont want to hurt him but im scared of things going wrong again, and im not ready to be with someone forever, i keep thinking 'what if after a while i meet someone else absolutely amazing, then what'?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Danger, Will Robinson!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexi99 wrote: »
    We broke up because we were seeing each other when i was at uni and we lived nearby, then i moved home for the summer and he decided it was too far. I was totally prepared to go and visit him, i didnt mind. Then i went back in september, he suggested we meet up again (surprise surprise) and it wasnt the same, there was no spark or romance and i began to feel a bit used for sex (for example, i once told him he wouldnt be able to have sex one week cos i was on so he said lets just meet up another time)

    Ok writing all that makes him seem like a douche and tbh i had actually completely forgotten all of that bit. The bad sex wasnt the dealbreaker but being used like a sex toy and not being played with very well was a big turn off.

    Gah i dont know, im so confused. I do genuinely care about him, i dont want to hurt him but im scared of things going wrong again, and im not ready to be with someone forever, i keep thinking 'what if after a while i meet someone else absolutely amazing, then what'?

    Yeah sounds like he decided he didn't want to be with you but still wanted to have sex....even though he was the only one enjoying it.

    Some guys would consider him a hero.....

    Steer clear.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I never cared about the sex much with my ex girlfriend. I even said to her how unimportant it was. That I'd still love her and still want to be with her if we never did anything of the sort. How important it was that it was about us and not that. Sure its bonding and all, at least I like to think so but its not necessary. Personally I prefer to give the girl more enjoyment anyway, I get off on their enjoyment but its in a different way you know?

    All in all, I'd never be affected by "bad sex" at all. But that's just me, what works for you works I guess.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well we spent the day together at the beach and it was really nice but more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend. I like him but feeling really 'meh' about the whole thing. It was his idea to meet up but he hasnt flirted or said anything about still liking me, nothing. Unless he asks me out im not going to pursue it with him anymore, i think that ship has sailed. The friendship and companionship is there but the attraction, the sexual chemistry and the 'cant keep your hands off each other' phase that two 23 year olds should have is not there

    Is it possible to have both because right now im feeling like im destined for one or the other, ugh
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I currently seem to be getting both - having had neither, or at best one or other for a fair while. There's hope.
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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I can't see why only one of the two would be possible. They can both be possible with different people and in some cases both on the same person.

    Obviously I don't know your history but it seems like you've both grown past that phase without hating each other, which I honestly can't say is a bad thing.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Related but more general question:

    Im still in contact with this guy, he's told me he wants to see me again and keeps hinting at it but ive told him im not sure yet.

    Thing is we get on so so well, we're pretty much perfectly matched apart from the no sexual chemistry thing. I told my friend he's the sort of guy I imagine being friends with when im older and settled down but right now in my 20s i want more than just good companionship, i want excitement and passion.

    Ive been erring towards looking at online dating cos a friend recommended it and i figure its a good way to meet new people but i cant shake the fact that I may not meet someone im as close as I am with him ever again and might be doing myself a diservice by not grabbing him while i have the chance.

    I figure its the same question again, a good friend or a more physical relationship, or can there be both?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's always a tough subject, as you said you sound perfect together in all ways but sexually. The question you have to ask yourself is at present, how important is the sexual chemistry to you. I would assume from your posts and the fact you're in your 20's that it is quite important.

    Think of it like this, if something did happen and you begun a relationship, how happy do you believe you'd be (not in five/ten years but now) as if you don't believe he would make you happy now then there is no point even starting it and from your posts it is clear sexually you don't believe he could.

    My advice would be, whilst you might not find someone who offers better companionship they will probably tick a lot more of the other boxes than the one that he does.

    If you're even the slightest bit unsure it isn't worth perusing the relationship as you'll always have that nagging feeling.
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