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Why Am I Doing This To Myself?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
From the title you'd probably think this was about self harm, which in one respect it may be self harm, i just don't know...
My granddad has cancer, a week ago he had to have a blood transfusion because the chemo was killing his blood cells, hes had cancer for over a year.
He has cancer in the food pipe, so is unable to eat, hes on a mixture that the hospital supply him with that has nutrients and proteins he needs within it, he doesn't like it.
My dad is always turning down holidays, 'just in case 'SOMETHING' happens.' he says it as if i could never understand what that something was... its so obvious, all you have to do is look at my granddad, or at least its clear to me, hes on his way out...
The other night i broke down, for no reason at all, i started writing as i often do in my moments of utter distress, i scared myself with what i wrote... and i'm now terrified that I've just made it a 'prophecy' or jinxed it as it were...
It's my fault if he dies, and no one at all is going to be able to change my mind from that, i said from the beginning, with my depression making me suicidal at times, i used to say if bamps can fight cancer i can fight this feeling i can do it... but if he is dead, whats left to fight for...
My main thoughts at the moment are of him, and how in my eyes he has always been a superhero, and well superheroes never die, Batman's been around since 1939, making Batman 74, my bamps is only 64. Superman is even older, with first appearance of 1938! Even Captain America is older than my bamps... first appearance in 1941...
My bamps is my superhero, and Batman and Superman and Captain America are all still alive but hes dying.
So the other night, what did I write?
...
The speech I want to do at his funeral... yet he's not even dead yet. I know i should be more positive, he can do this he can do it... but i need to be prepared for the worst, even if that means i hurt now, maybe it will ease the pain later...
Skip this bit if you want, it's what I wrote... thought I should shove it in here, because the poetry is well, 'beautiful' according to Kimbers.
'He wouldn't want us to cry, he would want us to celebrate is life, but for me it is hard to even believe he is gone, he was, and still is my superhero. And superheroes never die, and therefore he can't and he won't, because he is in my heart and my memories, of which i shall share with my children who shall tell their own of the superhero i call my Bamps, he will remain part of me and my family as he always has.
I won't forget you, I shall treasure and remember every second of every moment we spent together... Here's a poem for us bampi...
You were my bampi, you still are,
You took me for rides, in your classic car,
You decorated my room and finally finishing,
I looked at you with my eyes twinkling.
You said not a word,
And nor did I,
For there was no need,
You had planted the seed.
From there on the seed grew,
With every moment i spent with you.
With a mask and a cape,
You were always my best mate.
From that moment on, my first memory,
I knew it was true, at least for me,
You were my knight in shining armour.
You grew veg better than any farmer.
You were cool & Calm & so much fun,
You'd take me for icecream & sit in the sun.
You took me fishing, one time i hooked you,
I'll never forget the things you'd do.
We'd joke & Laugh, look for the NannyGone,
We'd play & dance, sing a silly song.
We'd go to the park, you'd push me on the swing,
On some Saturdays you'd take me to swim.
You taught me some maths,taught me to read.
Eventually it was no longer a seed,
It had grown just like you and me.
You were a superhero and only i could see.
This is a huge threads so i don't expect many to reply... I just want to know if this is by any means normal, and if i can do anything to ease the pain, i struggle to even spend time with my granddad as i know that the time is running thin... I am scared, upset, and i just don't know any more...
Thanks Ceri/Flow
My granddad has cancer, a week ago he had to have a blood transfusion because the chemo was killing his blood cells, hes had cancer for over a year.
He has cancer in the food pipe, so is unable to eat, hes on a mixture that the hospital supply him with that has nutrients and proteins he needs within it, he doesn't like it.
My dad is always turning down holidays, 'just in case 'SOMETHING' happens.' he says it as if i could never understand what that something was... its so obvious, all you have to do is look at my granddad, or at least its clear to me, hes on his way out...
The other night i broke down, for no reason at all, i started writing as i often do in my moments of utter distress, i scared myself with what i wrote... and i'm now terrified that I've just made it a 'prophecy' or jinxed it as it were...
It's my fault if he dies, and no one at all is going to be able to change my mind from that, i said from the beginning, with my depression making me suicidal at times, i used to say if bamps can fight cancer i can fight this feeling i can do it... but if he is dead, whats left to fight for...
My main thoughts at the moment are of him, and how in my eyes he has always been a superhero, and well superheroes never die, Batman's been around since 1939, making Batman 74, my bamps is only 64. Superman is even older, with first appearance of 1938! Even Captain America is older than my bamps... first appearance in 1941...
My bamps is my superhero, and Batman and Superman and Captain America are all still alive but hes dying.
So the other night, what did I write?
...
The speech I want to do at his funeral... yet he's not even dead yet. I know i should be more positive, he can do this he can do it... but i need to be prepared for the worst, even if that means i hurt now, maybe it will ease the pain later...
Skip this bit if you want, it's what I wrote... thought I should shove it in here, because the poetry is well, 'beautiful' according to Kimbers.
'He wouldn't want us to cry, he would want us to celebrate is life, but for me it is hard to even believe he is gone, he was, and still is my superhero. And superheroes never die, and therefore he can't and he won't, because he is in my heart and my memories, of which i shall share with my children who shall tell their own of the superhero i call my Bamps, he will remain part of me and my family as he always has.
I won't forget you, I shall treasure and remember every second of every moment we spent together... Here's a poem for us bampi...
You were my bampi, you still are,
You took me for rides, in your classic car,
You decorated my room and finally finishing,
I looked at you with my eyes twinkling.
You said not a word,
And nor did I,
For there was no need,
You had planted the seed.
From there on the seed grew,
With every moment i spent with you.
With a mask and a cape,
You were always my best mate.
From that moment on, my first memory,
I knew it was true, at least for me,
You were my knight in shining armour.
You grew veg better than any farmer.
You were cool & Calm & so much fun,
You'd take me for icecream & sit in the sun.
You took me fishing, one time i hooked you,
I'll never forget the things you'd do.
We'd joke & Laugh, look for the NannyGone,
We'd play & dance, sing a silly song.
We'd go to the park, you'd push me on the swing,
On some Saturdays you'd take me to swim.
You taught me some maths,taught me to read.
Eventually it was no longer a seed,
It had grown just like you and me.
You were a superhero and only i could see.
This is a huge threads so i don't expect many to reply... I just want to know if this is by any means normal, and if i can do anything to ease the pain, i struggle to even spend time with my granddad as i know that the time is running thin... I am scared, upset, and i just don't know any more...
Thanks Ceri/Flow
0
Comments
I'm reckon your grandad would be really so proud of you. Do you think you could hold on to what you said about wanting to keep his memory alive. It may feel like there is nothing to fight for if he goes, but what do you think he would tell you to do? He sounds like a really lovely man and a fighter too. It feels terribly unfair when people we love have to go through illness and discomfort.
Have you been able to talk to anyone in your family about how you're feeling? Talking and talking is one way to ease the pain and it's okay to be feeling scared.
*hug*
After 19 months of treatment, he was given the all clear. He has problems with eating and swallowing (and has had surgery because of this) due to the cancer and the treatment.