unsure about everything and what to do

Former Member

hey :wave:

im still very shy, so its taken me a lot to write this. It might help if i tell you a bit of back ground info. iv been self harming since i was 6/7, after i was sexually assaulted. i started taking small overdoes at 10, it would only be about 10 tablets at a time but it was enough to make me sick, and gradually i just started taking more each time. i was abused by my brothers, i was also sexually abuse my a boyfriend, he wasnt really a boyfriend, but i thought i loved him, when really he just controlled me, and made me do things i didnt wont to do. iv been under camhs since i was 12, im now 18 so only been with the adult services a few months. iv had 4 admission to psychiatric units. lucky i havent had any since turning 18.

there's my back ground ^^

im not sure what my question is really, im not really sure about anything at the moment. All i know is that im struggling so much. i manged not to cut for 3 weeks, which is a lot for me, but now im cutting up to 20 times a day and it gets a little deeper each time. my suicide thoughts are so over whelming, i went though a stage a few weeks ago where i tuck an overdoes everyday, of up to 32 tablets at a time. I didn't bother going to a&e, i just thought that if its going to kill me then it will kill me, i don't really care. (my mental health team knew about the overdoes and what i was doing, but didn't really say anything about it, which i was fine with, would rather they just left me to it, don't diverse there help anyway.) Iv kinda realized over the past few days, that things have got worse then i thought. i went for a interview for a supportive living place, and they said that they weren't sure about giving me a place there as i have a lot of support needs and a lot needs to be put in place. This is when i realized that things were really bad.

i just dont know what to do anymore, or who to turn to or trust! im so numb, lost and alone all the time, iv kinda got use to it. But i know that if i carry on like this, then i will end up going to far one day, and taking too many tablets or when im standing on the bridge i will jump off because i wont to feel something, i dont wont to be numb and alone anymore.


sorry about the rant! just not sure what to do.

Former Member

Hey:) it did take a lot of courage to post, so well done I'm not really sure what to suggest as you said your mental health team are already aware of the circumstances. The last time I was in hospital they decided to give me an extended care plan on discharge, and I am wondering whether you have been given a care or crisis plan? This will outline the steps you should undertake when in crisis. Mine was specifically geared towards overdosing and sometimes I find it reassuring to know exactly who I should call and what steps I should take to keep myself safe.

The care plan only works however if you're determined to help yourself. If you don't have a care plan, maybe it would be worthwhile asking to have one put in place with your contribution? If you do already have a care plan maybe you could ask to have it updated l, because it clearly isn't working.

Sorry if this didn't help, stay safe lovely

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Former Member

Ellie,

thanks for replying, im not really sure what i was asking really, but i dont think i have a care plan in place anymore, so i think i might ring them up on Monday and ask about it. i think im just a bit frustrated as im not really getting anywhere and still stuck in the place as i have been for a few years. Nothing really seems to be helping.

Thanks again Ellie

Former Member

Hey eliza - did you manage to make that call today? Getting a new care/crisis plan in place, as Ellie suggested, sounds like a really good idea.

I wonder if you can think back to when you hadn't harmed for 3 weeks - that's a great achievement! How did you feel different then and what were you doing that you're not doing now? Spending time with people and not isolating yourself can really help for example.

It may seem exhausting and frustrating at times but it sounds to me that you have really strong self-awareness of your situation and you write really coherently about everything that's happened. The more you learn about yourself and keep getting support the more steps you'll be taking to change things for the better.

Hang in there, big hugs *hug*

Former Member

Hey Eliza, did you manage to get in contact with your mh services? I hope you're feeling okay now *hug*

Former Member

hey jo and ellie

im still waiting for a phone call make from my mh worker as she wasn't available yesterday, but she is normally very good at ring back.

jo, i didnt really feel like self harming for those 3 weeks, i was just spending a lot of time with friends, and i guess i was just keeping busy so i didnt really think about it.

*hug*

Former Member

Well done for calling, hopefully she will ring back soon

It sounds like spending time with people and keeping busy helps - it might be worth making some plans for the coming week to prevent you feeling isolated?

Keep posting whenever you need to *hug*

Former Member

Thanks jo, im really glad i found this place, its been a great help and there are some really truly wonderful people here

im not great at making plans, as i never know what my mood is going to be like on a day to day basis, but i might start making one or two plans a week to start off with, just so its something to look forward to and then just hope my mood is okayish on that day

thanks for all your help *hug*

Former Member

Hey Eliza it sounds like being with your friends is a great distraction technique, which I find is really important when I am trying not to harm, and its great that you recognise that as well! Well done!

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