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Looking after mum, and myself
Starry night
Posts: 674 Incredible Poster
It's been a terrible day. I feel numb and terrible at the same time, and important things are happening but I can't act. I've messed everything up and it's only going to get worse.
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*hug* would you like to talk about what's been happening? Big hugs to you.
My mum is having serious mental health problems and I have really important exams starting tomorrow. I feel really low which is affecting my revision, I keep second guessing myself. The future is really bleak, but I don't know how to cope with that. It's like the beginning of a spiral, I deserve it.
Thank you for responding
Is your mum getting any support? If she is, could you maybe phone her support workers and say she is struggling?
Do you think getting some space and revising in a library could help? Also, are you getting any support for how low you're feeling? Sometimes I find going to the samaritans walk in centre and chatting to them helps me when no other support is available.
You don't deserve to feel like this, you're a lovely person. Keep your chin up, things will get easier.
They can't do much with Mum, she is getting all the help she can really. She hears voices and cries for hours about things we can't help her with. She won't eat even although she is diabetic and we're afraid she'll go into a coma. Also, Dad is really feeling the pressure and I'm worried he will break too. Lots of outside family stuff is exacerbating the situation.
I feel bad for self-pity but it's at a point where everything is changing in my life, and I'm pretty certain I'm going to mess it up.
I'll keep revising, but it still feels like if I fail, people will be glad, if I achieve, it won't be enough, and I'll still muck everything up. I'm trying to challenge this idea but it's not working. It's me in the way.
I know that it would be a very difficult decision to make, but do you think your mum would be better helped in hospital? You or your dad could speak to the doctors about her being admitted if you think it would help her more. It sounds like she is really struggling *hug*
If you do fail your exams, is there an option to retake next year? Could you ask for extra support (e.g mitigating circumstances/extra time) because of how things are at home?
It would be really difficult to get her into hospital, they are quite unco-operative. She is going for a meeting with care team soon though. I feel bad for my Dad more than anything. I know it sounds cruel but we would all like for her to be in hospital.
As for my exams, they are final year 13 stuff, so there is no real going back or resitting, and I wouldn't go to the university I want to. There's not a great deal that can be done really.
Right now it's not getting through this time-I know it will pass. The thing is fearing that things will never get better, that I'm going to muck up my entire future.
Thanks for your responses
You can re-sit year 13, you get 3 years of free college education
Things WILL get better. At the start of year 11 and I thought I'd ruined everything, I wasn't going to get a single GCSE, I was going to end up working in tesco or something for the rest of my life! But in reality that wont happen, and it wont happen to you either. One of my teachers at all school told me she didn't get her maths GCSE until she was 40, but she kept trying and trying because she desperately wanted to be a teacher. If you real want something, you can get it, and it will work out one day. It might take a few years longer due to the circumstances you're in, but you might live till your 100, your future is far from ruined. You've got a long way to go and a lot of years to work things out
Today wasn't really a good start. I had one question in my exam that was a big bastard, didn't finish. Then again, everyone struggled I think. The other two were ok. I really hope it doesn't drag down my overall grade. The annoying thing is that in that annoying part before for I was getting A's in past papers, I'd be surprised if I got an E today. Gutted. I know it sounds ungrateful but I need a specific grade for the uni I want so I can move far away. It feels like my grades are my only hope of freedom. I really don't want to disappoint my Dad too.
Mum saw her care team today, there's no real change. I don't know how to help her and the depression in the house is stifling. It feels like I'm never going to get out. I feel completely useless in helping mum or dad too. Dad says he is '...just the captain of the sinking ship.' It breaks my heart a bit when he says that really, because it's true. Mum is never going to get better. Mum had a CT scan on her brain and it could be dementia, a brain tumour...we're in the dark.
I want to stay positive but I think, when such painful things are happening, especially to my parents-everyone-I don't think I can hope for much.
What grades do you need for the uni you want to go to? Are there any other uni's near there, as a back up plan? And, don't worry about disappointing your Dad- I'm sure he'll be proud no matter what. Have you spoken to him about how you're struggling with college? If you haven't, I really think you should. Even if he can't help, at least he'll know.
Also, have you spoken to college about what's going on at home?
When do you find out the results of the CT scan? Whatever the result is, it will help the doctors to offer her better support once they know. Hopefully there will be a treatment, try and stay positive- I know it's really hard though.
Are they any other family members around you that can offer support to you and your dad? It sounds like you're both struggling alone with how ill your mum is, it would be good if you could speak to some family or friends about what's going on. Maybe they could offer you a place to stay for a few days to have a break from it all, and be able to revise?
I'm so sorry to read through this thread and hear about the troubles in your family. You obviously care a great deal about your mum and are doing your best to support her, but it's a big ask when, like you say, you're going through such an important part of your own life.
It also sounds like you are working really hard for your exams and are dedicated to doing well. But you have a lot of pressure on yourself to do well - perhaps applying to such a good uni and needing high grades is pressurising you too much and stressing you out?
Like Broken-Angel says, there are always options with other unis. If you don't do so well you'll have your second choice - or clearing - as an option. Last year over 50,000 people found a place through clearing - and you can still find somewhere you like and a uni you can move away too. I know this isn't ideal, but to have a back-up plan in your mind might help to take the pressure off in your exams a little?
Big hugs, I hope things go better for you in the next exams *hug*
Thanks
The feeling of despair and hopelessness is still really strong, especially this morning.
I woke up, felt black with shame and fear. I was shaking all morning. I am aware this is far more than my A-Levels, it's deep rooted. Not really great at communicating, getting ratty and agitated with the majority of people and things. If not, things are half the feeling they should be-everything takes a while to kick in, for me to respond, care, write.
I have a break from my exams, next one is in a week, then two on the same day. Hopefully things will be more manageable then.
Mum has had her results back, no damage, tumor or anything detectable, which is good in some ways but bad in that there is no clear answer. Dad is alright, but I worry about him. If I go away to uni, there's no one else to look after Dad who is completely isolated and is most likely severely depressed.
All other exams have improved after the nightmare one. Apparently, it's likely that the UMS will be brought back down for everyone because it was so tough. I am really trying not to think about my exams now.
The low feeling is still really bad. I am going to try and get a summer job to distract myself, or at least I'll have the time to read a lot. I'm getting paranoid about my friends also, so I'm trying not to think about that either. I should be grateful that my exams are at least over.
Thanks for asking
How's everything at home?
However, compared to how it's been in the past, this is a massive positive. I'm revising my old CV to see if can get any work, and I'll try some volunteering stuff too.
Is there anywhere you could go to get out the house for the afternoon? Maybe to town, or a beach if there's one near you.
I've been leaving my phone off because I don't want to speak to people. My A-Levels and all my work seems a waste of time because I'm such a bad person. I feel reminded all the time that because I've grown up isolated in a peculiar environment i'm never going to fit in-I know that's a very subjective ideal- but to make a life for myself, to be self-sufficient.
My brother will come home soon and things will get worse because he has his own problems that are really bad right now. There's nowhere I can really go where I will feel comfortable alone- I don't feel ready to speak to other people again, providing of course they still wish to speak to me-so I'll have a read outside.
Sorry for the ranting. I appreciate your continued help in this thread BA
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xx sam
How are you? Hope you feel better today. Take care, thinking of you.
xx sam
Hiya
I'm so sorry your having to go through this, I know what it's like to hear stuff, my OCD voice tells me stuff all the time. I know what it's like to be emotionally abused too, my mum tells me I deliberatly make up my OCD to be a manipulative person, when she's seen what I have to go through every day. She also hits me as well, I had a panic attack on Friday night, and she was threatening to call 999 if I didn't get out of her room, I was trying to ask reassurance because that's by OCD dbehavious, I have to ask reassurance, anyway, I tried snatching th phone, coz I hate it when there's people looking at me, and she basically punches my ear, and as I had my ears pierced it got swollen up...then she started punching me and telling me I was of OCD and I was ruining everything...
My mum has got depression, ever since I was 4 She started emotionally bullying me, telling me I should just hit my head and die. I know it's horrible, but try to remember your mums like this coz she has mental illnesses.
I don't really know what to advise but just concentrate on your exams, your mum is getting the help, and when she started yelling just go in another room.
Madi x
Things are slightly better. I'm losing weight, cleaning my room and had a nice little surprise. I'm still not that confident about going out again, but my mates are ok and I've told them I'm a bit under the weather.
So sorry to hear of your experiences, I hope they improve soon. Thanks for sharing.