Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

Looking for some advice

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi community,

This is my first post and I have to admit I'm kind of nervous about doing anything like this but I'm trying to find good advice. From what I get I can discuss anything on here and because its a relationship thing it falls here right?

As you probably got from the title I'm nervous about my inexperience in the dating world. I figured it'd help a little if I gave some information about myself (not too personal) but a bit for a general understanding.

See, I'm 23 I'll be 24 this weekend, in my whole life I've dated a total of 3 people. One of which was that whole 'do you like me circle yes and no' kind of school ground thing. Another was with my best friend, which we'll discuss that a bit later, and the other was a relationship I only accepted because I was afraid if I told her that I wasn't interested I'd hurt her like I had been hurt before, again we'll go into that later.

Last year I came out as a bi-sexual. I'm still unsure of the exact definition there because I like girls but I'm more into guys but I still find women attractive so I don't want to label myself as gay just because I prefer guys.

Anyways this whole thing is getting lengthy without getting to the point. So over the last two weeks or so I've been with my cousins, and they introduced me to some of their friends. See where this is going? We wanted to do something physical and just get out of our houses so we went to a local park to play some Frisbee and yes I am aware it's childish but, lava tag. Well we get to this sorta of party area at the park, you know the kind with all the wooden table/benchs and the little roof thingy. There's about maybe 8 of us there. We're all just starting to show up, I car pool with my cousin since these are all his friends and I don't know any of them. Well on the way there he's teasing me about my sexuality sorta, and just happens to mention that some of the guys there are gay or bi, but to make it fun for him he's not going to tell me which. Well I am single and I've been looking around trying to find someone, but I haven't had much luck, I always seem to find one thing that really puts me off or some little flaw that I make an issue, yes I'm kind of known for being a bit vain which is kinda why this is so weird.

Anyways we're at the party area and the group kinda splits off into one table of obviously straight guys and close friends and then at my table there's just me, my cousin, and his other friend, which I suspected based on body language and eye contact, might be one of the gay or bi friends he was telling me about. (This was confirmed later that day). Well they're my cousins friends and even though some had similiar sexual preferences I didn't want that to be an issue as they didn't know me and I didn't feel it very appropriate to be 'his gay cousin' and make it a title or anything. Well we're still discussing what to do, and my cousin comes up with the idea of frisbee. He lives close so he can just run home real quick and be back. I didn't feel much like following because his friends were amusing to watch even though at the time none of them engaged in conversation with me or even spoke more than an acknowledgement to the fact that I was his cousin.

It's been a few minutes and me and the other guy at my table keep making eye contact and smiling lightly, I could sense he was bored as he didn't really talk with the other table which seemed to be wrapped up in their own conversation. I kinda related with that myself, I'm usually the shy one who stands off and just watches until someone says something to me. Well like I said I had my suspicions so I very politely smiled back again a more friendly and less out placed smile and said hello, and began to engage in a conversation on how he knew my cousin, which turned into a whole school topic and some other very common ground. Still the table beside us didn't seem to acknowledge us save for a glance here or there.

My cousin returns and we start to play and get in formation. I casually walk up and look around from where I'm at to see where everyone is placed. My cousin positions himself farther away from me towards what I assume were closer friends but the guy at my table whom, I found out is good friends with another member of the party, stands next to me in the formation and smiles at me. Through out the whole game we kept passing the frisbee around but kept smiling and glancing over at one another. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong but at this point I'm being slightly flirtatious and teasing him when he'd miss a catch or compliment him on an impressive toss.

Well I'll skip some of the blah blah blahs but needless to say we sorta became our own social duo practically ignoring the others after the game was over. We get ready to leave and he stops at my cousins car and suggests he and I come over to his place to play a board game and 'hang out'. I would like to hang out with him more and am starting to really like this guy so I agree to show up completely disregarding my cousin, kinda selfish but he owed me one anyways.

We show up later to the guys house, again he positions himself next to me and begins to tease me back as I start to lose the game, when I come start to make a come back he does the whole playful whining thing and is making a bit of subtle body contact. Now this wouldn't be as important as it is, but I usually don't realize if I'm being flirted with or even that I'm unintentionally being more flirtatious. Like I said I don't have a lot of experience in the dating game and what little experience I do have is shared in a tight circle whom I know well enough to decipher a flirt from a tease.

Now I've given you the back ground info, or at least a big enough chunk for you to get that I'm interested in this guy and I think he's interested in me. Now here's my whole issue. I'm known to be very shallow and judgmental of people since my relationship with my best friend. I fell in love and he broke up with me and it hurt. I lost nearly all my confidence and became afraid to put myself out there. Over a few years I sorta got better but I'm still not back to 100% in my opinion. Me and my best friend are still best friends and good friends completely recovering from the failed relationship and have grown closer as friends than previously. So naturally he became my go to guy to talk about stuff like this. See the guy I like has this sorta of lisp thing, less gay lisp more speech impediment thing, if you had asked me about my feelings on the subject before I met the guy, I would've made fun of him and admitted zero interest on this fact, yet for some strange reason when I actually was with the guy it registered as more cute and adorable then a flaw even though I know consciously it is a flaw that I'd normally not be okay with. Weird huh? Still trying to figure out that one.

With him having exclusive knowledge of my most valued secrets and practically a full feature length film of my love life I told him about the guy. He told me he was definitely interested and that I should ask him out.

ROUND 2 or maybe 7 I don't know:

Ok so it's another outing with the cousins (we've had a few), we hang out some more, same flirting, same eye contact, same smiling, a bit more comfortable than previously until suddenly I get all nervous. See I haven't had many crushes in my life and I'm really inexperienced on discovering all these emotions and urges and cliches. For a really long time romance wasn't a priority in fact it was a plague to be avoided and only recently (like the last year or so) has it began to climb my priority list. Well I'm unfamiliar with this. I can't seem to look at this guy anymore, my body language is completely off the norm, I'm crossing my arms and looking down when he looks at me and smiling differently in a more nervous manner. Text book crushing right? Well at the time I didn't realize that's what it was, I hadn't 'crushed' on anyone in like 4-5 years. Suddenly I'm in school again trying to find a date to prom and I can't make a single sentence work for me which is odd because I took every English elective in school and I quote myself on finding words to be the greatest thing in existence. (I really like word play).

Well I noticed he was acting a bit off as well, but I can't tell if it was because I was acting differently or if we both were acting differently together. After a night of me trying my best to distract myself from my behavior and be normal again, we start to talk about my birthday coming up this Sunday and how we've planned this whole day ending with a bit of drinking and games at my sisters, (she has the biggest house). Well I was told by sister earlier this week that I could invite a few people outside of our shared friend circle, because I wanted to invite a friend or two from work. Well I sorta blurt out to this guy, 'Well you're pretty cool, you wanna come to my birthday party?' Now since you don't know me you have no clue how totally out of character it is for me to ask anyone I find attractive or even more so a crush to come to a function around my other friends and choice family that could judge me.

Now we move to today, the day afterwards. I talked to my best friend about it all again and he helped me work out some insecurities on the issues but I feel like I can trust him but its like he's obligated to not be blunt or judgmental of me ya know. So I came to you guys.

I'm really worried that I may be reading this wrong way. I'm not the best looker and he's kinda out of my league in my opinion. Though it seemed like he was interested a little. I never really got to get him all to myself to have like a real conversation outside of a group topic or a casual sorta guided topic. So I added him on Facebook, without warning. He accepted my friend request but so far I haven't sent him a message. I'm sorta afraid I may say something wrong or, maybe he's not interested and I seem sorta creeper-esque. Not to mention the whole party thing became less of a night of enjoyment to a 'oh my god I invited him to my party and I have no clue what to say or do and what if I wait too long to say anything and get friend zoned' kind of thing.

So I was hoping you guys could help me out with maybe some advice or suggestions.


  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Drop him a message suggesting meeting up for a chuck of a frisbee around the park again some time.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi nanyhm,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    Happy birthday for yesterday! How was the party? Did the guy you like come? Do let us know how that went :yes:

    It's hard to immerse yourself in dating when you feel inexperienced, so well done for getting out there and inviting him to your party, as well as adding him on facebook. Sometimes it doesn't matter how many times we date, when it comes to some people it can seem scarier then usual!!

    You seem to really like this guy, and things you might find annoying are actually endearing with him. It can be hard to tell if someone is interested, but it's all about looking out for signs as well as taking a little risk :) Have a look at our article on body language, as well as is this a date? of which the below quote was taken from;
    You get on really well. You may have an in-joke. There have been 'moments' where your eyes have locked a little too long. You think they may be interested too, but you can't tell if you're imagining things. Confused?

    Asking someone out is hard, even after being almost sure he is interested - yet perhaps it can be worth the risk!

    Do let us know how you get on :)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks everyone,

    Not gonna lie I was hoping for a reply before the whole event, but hey any advice is better than none right?

    So I'm going to try my best to recall the events of last night, I wrote out my post earlier but it didn't post and lost it all which sucks so if it seems like I'm leaving anything out sorry this is the second run a round.


    Let me begin by saying I spent 2 and a half hours getting ready. I made sure to shave, primp, style, and gussy up to look my absolute best. We have a bit of time before lazer tag and the festivities and I'm on facebook getting welcomed happy birthday and all that nonsense. I notice the guy I like logs on, "Hey, you still coming to the party?". He replies, "Yeah, I'll come" I tease him a bit feeling in an amazing mood and I'm a teasing person to begin with, "Geesh don't sound excited or anything. Fair warning I intend to get everyone there plastered and I'm playing bartender muahahahaha." he replies, "Ok. I'll prepare for some heavy drinking, anything happening before that?" my response, "Lazer Tag is at 6 at Bob Walters then I don't know what my sister has planned for the dinner thing but afterwards everyone will be drunk and needing a liver transplant. Also I'm open to ideas if anyone has any plans for the day/night." he responds, "ok. Cool. I actually don't have work today, so I'm free evening, all night, and I can sleep my hangover off. Lol. Yay for perfect timing." Okay, that's awesome he's free to hang out all night and seems excited. Woot! We talk about our days off synching with one another and take some general job stuff for a few posts, he leads up with a statement about usually not knowing what to do on his days off and I reply, "Well conveniently you get to spend time with me getting hammered aren't you lucky" his response, "Lol, a first for everything. I've been told I am a very protective drunk. "Are you O.K.? Need help?" ect." I tease back and tell him the truth, "Oh this will be fun, fair warning, I'm told I'm a flirtatious giggly drunk." he tells me afterwards he's got some running to do before the party, he'll see me at 6. I tell him plainly okay see you there.

    On the way to lazer tag:
    Sister: "So who's all did you invite to the drinking party?"
    Me: "Well there's <Guy I like> and <Co-Worker>, those are the only two you don't know."
    Sister: "So why'd you invite them"
    Me: "Well <Co-Worker> is fun to be around and she's hilarious drunk, but she said she may not be able to make it she won't get off until later, and <Guy I like> because... well...uhhh... he's cute?"
    Sister: "Ok? Just no sex in house"
    Me: "Yeah because I'm soooooo getting laid tonight, besides I don't even like him like that, well sorta..." -Explains situation-
    Sister: "God, you're such a girl sometimes"
    Me: "Yeah I remember a certain someone doing the same thing about dating MY friend who shes currently engaged to."

    My sister picks me up and head to lazer tag. The car is filled with my sister, he boyfriend, and my bestfriend, oh and of course, myself.

    Sister: "So <best friend> you know anything about <Guy I like>?"
    Best Friend: "Nope, haven't met him. <My name> says he's cute and he's totally crushing on him"
    Sister: "Oh I know, he told me"
    Best Friend: "Oh really!?"
    Myself: "Well, she wanted to know about him and I sorta blurted it out"

    After a round of talking about this guy we arrive at lazer tag. During which time, I'm nervous as all sorts of hell and freaking out. My sister and my best friend calm me down a bit with some pep-talk and a few cigarettes. Alright, time to meet the gang. Inside we're greeted with my cousin, his best friend, someone my sister invited as an extra for the lazer tag and dinner, and of course, hello tall and handsome. Now mind you in my retelling of this story I say tall and handsome in reality it was more like, smile and wave 'Hey guys'. Inside I'm going 'oh shit what I say, he's staring right at me!?'

    Alright fine, we sign up for the next match, well the lazer tag place has been busy so we have about half and hour to kill. Money into tokens, divide them up and 'Alright guys here's some tokens let's have some fun" now I immediately gravitate towards the guy I like while seeming to follow my cousin. WHAT LUCK! My cousin picks the machine right next to the guy. Score!

    Ok, calm down breathe, let's play this game and see what he does. Alright the guy smiles and starts to play a batman verison of whack a mole. Ok something is so childish about this it's cute, oh crap getting shot at, maybe I should pay more attention to this game I'M playing. I realize I'm starting to follow this guy around. Ok, give him some space do your own thing. So I do. Lazer Tag begins. Alright in the waiting room there's a bunch of benches and some guy that works there explains the rules and shows everyone how to work my gun and vest. The only available spot is, shit right next to the guy. Ok ok, smile it'll be alright just sit down normally. Eye contact smile, oh shit you're doing it again. Relax. Ok lazer tag rules explained let's go. Man there are some advantages to going last in line. (checking him out from behind while no one is looking).

    Ok, so we play lazer tag. Well that was way funner than I thought and man this guy is good. Mind you he placed under me but wow and so many smiles during the match. We both put up our gear and head out waiting for the score. "Oh my god man, you're really good at this.", flattery at me? That went well. "Thanks, we used to do this every Tuesday. You're pretty good yourself, pretty fun huh?" alright cue my sweet smile make sure he's making eye contact and ta duh! There's that smile of his.

    I let my sister decide where to go for dinner, she suggests Show-Me's because I get free fish bowl on my birthday. I didn't really want to drink before anyone else and I don't really like that restaurant but oh well I told her it was her choice. Don't like it then don't give up the rights to choose. We head there.

    In the car:
    Sister: "Okay so he's cute... and an easy target, actually... all of you are easy targets =P"
    Best Friend: "See you didn't freak out and everything went fine. Also yeah, he is pretty cute"
    Me: "I told you he was adorable, still he seems a bit off today. I don't know why. Maybe he's nervous because he doesn't know hardly anyone"
    Best Friend: "He seemed to click with us pretty well."
    Sister: "Yeah, but I mean his only friends here are <Cousins name> and <Cousins Best Friend>
    Me: "Yeah, still really glad he came, that one there, that's my present to me"

    We show up to Show-Mes. I order a fish bowl and I order a liquid cocaine (Mostly because its my favorite drink and I haven't had one in a long time). The guy I like and my cousins group start to play pool. Alright I hang out at the table with my sister, her friend she invited and my best friend having our own little private party why the guys play pool (they're playing teams so 4 of them only no big deal). My sister and her friend convince me to drink this fish bowl in under 2-5 minutes. UGH I'm a lightweight too and I've had nothing to eat. Well, I don't want to be made fun of might as well play along, you only get one 24th birthday.

    Bad idea. All that alcohol made me light headed and tipsy quick. Alright foods here, oooo why did I order BBQ anything. My stomachs already yelling at me for alcohol and being nervous about this guy. No matter you blew money eat it. I look at the seating, there's 10 chairs 10 of us. I sit down and the guy I like who I'm so hoping sits next to me, doesn't. Okay he's literally one chair away and he's next to the people he actually knows. That's not uncommon, i'd do the same thing. Somewhere in all of this I manage to get down the food and sober up slightly. Alright smiles and eye contact good good, oh shit. I just blurted that out. Ok it wasn't sexual or anything but that was obviously a flirtatious compliment.

    We get done eating and go my sisters. Alright if I gotta be drunk so do all of you. "So hey, what would you like to drink?" he replies with, "I don't know, something fruity." Oh you poor fool, I only really like fruity drinks and I had my sister pick up some margaritas for the party as they are one of my favs. "Have you ever had a margarita?"
    "Well only once, but it was a virgin one. I liked it though." I smiled, "Alright here ya go, strawberry lime margarita, don't worry I'm drinking the same thing"

    Ok everyone has their drinks let the games begin. Wait, crap we're playing break the circle. Ok the only thing I have to worry about being drawn is... a five. Drawing a 5 means you have to play a round of Never-Have-I-Ever until it gets back to the person who drew the 5. Man everyone here knows me and they know some embarrassing information from back when I was flirt exploring my sexuality. See I was kind of adventurous in discovering what I liked and was a bit more promiscuous than I'd like to admit. Sure that was years ago but this guy doesn't know that. "Never Have I ever...." shit that's a shot. They started singling me out too, my face grew beat red as I watched some of the facial reactions to this guy. Not that I didn't catch him drinking at a few himself. Alright so he's not mr. perfect. Man this alcohol is starting to hit me. Hey wait how come I didn't notice this, he could've sat down anywhere but he sat next to me. Close actually, close enough that his thigh just touched mine. Okay, I read that prolonged contact can be a sign of being interested in someone, let's see how long he keeps it there and I'll pretend not to notice. Hmmm its been nearly 3-5 minutes. That's a good sign I think?

    "I drew an 8 that's make a date. Ok <guy I like> take a shot and make it official" good job <best friend> I won't feel nearly as nervous if he's drunk too. Now every time <best friend> drinks he'll have to drink too. The game went on for a while, oh man I'm really getting hammered too. So I flirted again, this time a bit more subtle but the smile was a dead give away, curse you body language you've told me away again.

    It started growing late. People were leaving or laying around just 'chilling'. I'm sitting at the dining room table completely embarrassed after several fives had been drawn. I notice the guy I like is sort of pacing while I look through the board games. I remember seeing a three-tiered chess board on his table at his house. Okay, keep him entertained and get some one on one time. "Hey, would you like to play with me?"
    Score he totally agreed and everyone else is preoccupied with their own thing.

    We're playing the game and I decide to take it a bit easy on him. I was on the chess team for 6 years in school, and from the moves I've seen he's a bit rusty if he was ever good at it. "So are you having a good time, I mean I know you don't know everyone here and I wanted to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves?" ooo good move smile. "Yeah I'm fine, I'm enjoying myself." phew even if he was lying which I doubt still a relief. We're playing for a bit and I dropped another sooooo not subtle flirt. Okay you're drunk stop flirting if you can't do it witty. I could tell he started making moves to hurry the game up, so I played along and put him in checkmate.

    The night goes on and suddenly out of no where it went from mellowy bleh to and now this is un-salvagable. Last month or so I broke my back tooth exposing a nerve. Since the initial break it hasn't bothered me but today of all days, why today it goes into overload. No one is really noticing me so I go to the bathroom. The pain is so intense I've holding a towel over my mouth while I'm crying. My best friend notices i've been gone a while and checks up on me. All I could think of was the throbbing pain and how totally embarrassing this was.

    During all of this they leave to McDonalds my best friend goes with them after I practically shove him out of the bathroom. Now here's where things get really bad, or so I'm told. On the ride to McDonalds apparently (Mind you I'm not there), <guy I like> "I think <my name> has the hots for me" jokingly he adds, "he wants the D... but I'm not ready for anything, at the moment." my best friend says, "I don't think he wants sex, he's been wanting something deeper than that." the guy responds again, "I'm still not ready for that either." Now since this is all information I got from my best friend over skype the day after. More so, he shouldn't have said anything, upset and embarrassed I get a bit down.

    Okay, I wake up and I skype my best friend, "Ok so I got mixed signals but it seemed like he wasn't really interested. Then you said something about him not being interested on the way home. What was all that about?" he explains to me what happened in the car.

    "YOU DID WHAT!?" great now I'm embarrassed about my behavior last night, my tooth, and that the guy I liked didn't even talk to me about it. Cue the feeling like shit. After a lengthy conversation with my best friend my cousin arrives. "Hey we're going to fix your bike and go riding around a bit". Okay you feel down but you can't let them know you know or that you feel like shit just agree and grab the gas can.

    We're working on the bike a bit, (Turns out I needed a new spark plug) and they're talking about the party last night. "Yeah, we've had better parties just hanging out." yeah I agree there that party went terrible quick, "It wasn't the games it was the people maybe we should've invited different people." Alright time to see what happened from their view. Yep I agree those three shouldn't have been there. Hey they mentioned that guy. I wonder if they'll bring up the conversation in the car. Nope. Okay then maybe I'll bait the conversation by mentioning him a bit more. Nothing no one told me anything. Maybe they don't want to hurt my feelings or something.

    Ever since my best friend told me what he said, i've been dissecting it, scrutinizing it, and running every hidden meaning behind it. Could he have been interested in me? So many options. 1) He was telling the truth and not be ready for a relationship or anything. That doesn't mean he doesn't like me or that he's X'd off just he needs some space maybe and time to figure out whats going on in his world. I've been there. 2) Since everyone there was friends with me and likely this conversation would hit my ears he was politely rejecting me without confronting me. 3) I'm not the best looker, perhaps he was rejecting me but sparing my feelings by making it sound like it was his thing and not my appearance as again this conversation would likely get back to me. Either way the blow stung but not enough to ruin my day.

    We go on to go to a family function and BBQ, tromp through a 60 acre woods and play football in the rain. Tall and Handsome hasn't been brought up much after we fixed the bikes but has been a constant thought on my mind. I go home and get on facebook dealing with late b-day wishes and some 'Nice party' posts. Nothing from the guy I like, I notice him log on and send him a message. "Hey again. Soooo about last night... sorry about all that, I'm usually a lot more fun and less clearly drunk." oh shit I sent that. Oh well we needed to talk anyways where I do I stand? I notice he logged out immediately.

    Great now he hates me. LOVELY. Wait wait calm down maybe you're reading too much into this. He's not known for lurking on facebook very long and he could've just logged off at the same time as you sent seeing as how it was immediate. Still, even if I can't be a relationship with the guy he's an amazing person and we did get along and have many shared interests, so maybe we can just be friends if nothing else.

    And so the insecurities surfaced suddenly. Maybe he doesn't want anything to do with me? Maybe I came on too strong? I shouldn't have said a word on facebook? Great you ruined your chance and he's ignoring you. Good job. You're the freakin' best. Idiot idiot idiot! You brag about being the one who is usually in control and you lost it all and to what, some guy you hardly know. I stopped the self loathing when I started targetting him in a negative aspect. I'm upset yes but how do I know he's really ignoring me? And it's not like he's at fault. It was me who had the strange feelings in the first place right? You know before the facebook thing, I had this idea I'd just be his friend and somewhere down the line he'd get to see more of me, the normal not super nervous me and if what he said is true and he really is just not ready, that doesn't mean he didn't like me. Maybe it was just a matter of bad timing. If I wait maybe he'd get to like me more. Though if he never liked me that way, why did I get so many mixed signals in the first place. Was it just me seeing what wasn't really there? Now what do I do? This is highly frustrating, I hate this thing called infatuation, it abandons me for so long only to suddenly come up from no where and then... well that's a cruel irony.

    Still I can't let this keep me down, but there's so many mixed emotions. So community I've given you my story and poured my feelings into text. Perhaps you can add some clarity to the situation, a suggestion, something to help me figure out what's happening. I told you all I was inexperienced so I'm seeking guidance here from someone more experienced. As always any and all help is appreciated thank you.
Sign In or Register to comment.