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when to move on
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Sorry, this is one of those irritating threads where I return to pick a scab, and ask for advice where I already know the answer, but will ignore it anyway.
It's nearly 22 months since my other half went away, but I still have a top they wore a lot that still smells of them. I know I should wash and charity shop it, but I don't want to. Anybody want to make me feel a little better by telling me it's OK to keep it to sniff once in a while?
It's nearly 22 months since my other half went away, but I still have a top they wore a lot that still smells of them. I know I should wash and charity shop it, but I don't want to. Anybody want to make me feel a little better by telling me it's OK to keep it to sniff once in a while?
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It's not ok to keep things around to sniff, it's living in the past. The only healthy thing to do is to move on with your own life, and that means moving on from the relics.
Wash it today, then charity shop.
Oh, thank you - that's helped a lot - of course there's nothing wrong with that.
I've only just started to look at the photos, and if I got rid of those I'd have nothing left of my adult life. A purge is difficult, with a life so shared there is little that was "theirs" or "mine" - the clothes that don't suit or fit me have already gone to charity or recycling - I have arranged to drop of some of their more personal items with their family next time I visit. (should have been last month, but I got bogged down with job hunting)
No, I wasn't asking for permission to keep it - I already made that decision yesterday when I tried and failed to put it in an appropriate wash (I'm a little OCD on sorting my laundry, and that's not a colour that comes up often for me). What I was trying to do was work out why I wasn't prepared to do what I thought was the right thing to do - and **Angel** helpfully pointed out my flawed axiom.
You won't move on if you don't try to.
Actually, as an adult with no dependants, I find I can do as I choose, which is why I walked away from my job last year
Take the advice or leave it. Spend years smelling an old top of girlfriend long gone, waste time, count the days. Or move on.
I can see why smelling an old jumper would be comforting. It's up to you whether you throw it away or not. I'd say rather than focus on the jumper, you need to re frame the question. Are you focusing on your own self enough? Doing things that you enjoy doing? Developing your own social circle and interests?
All the best. ShyBoy
I picked up a hobby about a year before the bad times, and I've clung to it - the couple of hour a week I spend on it are great (and sociable) All my other (shared) interests have gone down the pan.
As for the rest, I'm going through the motions - I've joined meetup, and spend a couple of evenings a month engaging in polite conversation with strangers; I schlep around dating sites having polite message exchanges about members' profiles; I hung around thesite chat for a bit; I make vague promises to old friends and family about visiting, but nothing seems to come of it - but at the end of the day the only real quality time I've spent with people has been the other half's family and I can feel myself cutting myself off from them.
So, establish who I am (more than just those two hours per week) and then I perhaps I wont be pointless. OK, easily said, but it may be a workable plan.
And I pretty much agree - it was because I yet again couldn't wash this top that I posted. OK, it's not yet been 700 days, and we were together for over 7000 (yes, I have counted them thank you Fiend_85, I don't need to be told how pathetic it is) but still I should surely be moving on by now.
If you do not feel ready to enter another relationship and move on in that respect then that is perfectly fine. Huge hugs to you, I didn't realise they had passed away, it must be very hard for you. I can't even begin to imagine
If you don't feel ready to move on, you don't have to. It's obviously totally up to you, if the top gives you comfort then there's nothing wrong with it
I do think it makes a difference. I very much hope nobody would be saying to you 'spend years smelling a old top of a girlfriend or just move on' if they knew that somebody you had spent over 7000 days with had died and left a massive hole in your life. it must be one of the worst things I can imagine. nearly 2 years is not that long to get over it, and although I do think you don't want to get caught up in the grief I think it's still very fresh in your mind. I don't know what else I can say other than that in answer to your first question...yes I think it's okay. and perfectly understandable. I agree with broken angel, don't throw it away. maybe just put it away for a while.
If you think it's harsh to say that people should move on after two years then fair enough. I disagree, though. I think that the jumper is an anchor. And whether it's an anchor to a person who has passed on or an anchor to a girlfriend who has broken up and gone on to a life with someone else, the end result is the same : the object is anchoring in the past.
And yes, it'll be hard to deal with it, it'll be hard to put the thing in the washing machine knowing it won't be the same when it comes out. But it needs doing, because otherwise two people don't have a life, instead of one. And that's no good.
Also I'd say that, after 2 years, the jumper likely isn't actually smelling of this person any more. I'd suspect that the smell faded some time ago, so really it's a linked memory rather than a physical thing. And if you want to retain a memory of her smell then that's fine, but do it in your mind without being anchored in reality.
Carriage, correct me if I'm wrong but I have always felt that if someone passes away while you are with them it is vastly different from a break up. In a break up, as difficult as it is to accept, all connections will be cut, you will see them leave.
But if someone passes away while you are together, it must be a lot harder to accept they are gone, because the relationship was still happening, there was no end to the feelings you had for each other.
I think moving on is a different process for everyone, and I also think that it shouldn't just be seen as moving on in this situation. It is also grieving. I know when my Nan died my Grandad wanted to get rid of everything because it reminded him about her. But for some people the grieving process is different. Some people keep rooms of their house exactly as they were when the person passed away, some people preserve memories in a certain box, or put them away in the loft. It is all about your personal process, and what you feel ready to do.
It does not matter if someone else thinks you should wash the top and give it to charity, or someone thinks you should make a shrine to them in your living room. It is your grieving process, no one else's. No one else has been through what you are going through, even if they've had a loved one die, because they are not you. If you do not feel ready to get rid of the top, then don't. It might be healthier, and help in the long run to put it away somewhere... but that doesn't mean you can never get it out. You spent a long time with your partner, and it will never be easy to get rid of something. I don't think you should rid of anything permanently until you are absolutely sure, because then you can never get it back. Maybe that day will never come, and that's fine too, as long as you are still functioning in day to day life there is nothing wrong with cherishing memories or objects.
I hope this made sense. *hug*
I think it makes a lot of difference. If I'd known I would have given different advice. What people say is based on what they know of the situation, if your other half died two years ago, I would have no way of knowing that, unless I stalked all your posts. I didn't say it was pathetic either, I was brusque because I thought you were pining for a breakup, not grieving. I also didn't know that you'd been together for 20 years, which makes another big difference.
What's "sordid" for one, is not sordid for another. Context matters.
I wore my mums perfume on my watch for a year after she died, and now I can't bear the smell anywhere else. Piccolo had to get rid of some moisturiser with that sent because it was too weird for me. My dad didn't throw out any of my mum's stuff either, it was all still there when he married my step-mother and she, with my older sisters, went through it, but not my dad. It was my step-mum that read my mums diary to understand her, and gave me a letter from my mum on my 21st.
Grief is complex, this isn't a break up, this is bereavement, and I'm not sure there's a time-scale on that.
If you feel you want to let go of things then do, but don't do it until you feel ready. And even then, do it tentatively. It's your journey, no one else's.
Have you spoken to cruise?
The problem is I (ego) thought I should, but I (id) couldn't. Day to day, the thinker gets to run the show; when the animal decides to do or not do it never explains why, and it can never be talked around (although it can be distracted)
It made far more sense than I'm doing.
I'm slowly sorting through, but it's hard going - so much music I've never listened to, so many books I haven't read.