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Can you help me make a few friends so I can get out more.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Im looking for a friend or two I can hang out with. Id like to meet a nice girl too.
I used to work friday-saturday nights part time, I've now left that job for a temp monday-friday role in an office for a few months. My job doesn't have a social side.
I've tried online dating, dance classes, the gym, social activitiy groups and a karate class but none of it has worked out. I feel dispondent. Can you offer me some help?
I have done charity work, and tried therapy too. I'm not in the right position to move. I've tried retraining at college (it didn't work out) and was at Uni before.
If you've got any ideas I'd be very grateful.
I used to work friday-saturday nights part time, I've now left that job for a temp monday-friday role in an office for a few months. My job doesn't have a social side.
I've tried online dating, dance classes, the gym, social activitiy groups and a karate class but none of it has worked out. I feel dispondent. Can you offer me some help?
I have done charity work, and tried therapy too. I'm not in the right position to move. I've tried retraining at college (it didn't work out) and was at Uni before.
If you've got any ideas I'd be very grateful.
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Comments
Maybe it's worth giving some things another go, but with a different attitude- go in with the intention of having fun and if you meet some friends/a girl while you're there see it as a bonus not the main objective! I think you'll need to stick at activities a while, you wont get to know anyone in the first few sessions.
Maybe try volunteering in a charity shop at weekends, they're always grateful for the extra help and I met some lovely people while working in an Oxfam shop
I volunteered for over 2 years, no people my age, or they were committed with families and children and unable to hang out. As I work Monday to Friday, working another day leaves me with very little time to actually do anything with any friends I might meet through volunteering outside of work.
I attended a drama group rehearsal’s for 6 months, and only got to sweep the floors once. I didn’t feel at ease with the idea of performing anyway.
I’ve done karate for about 19yrs, there are some social plus’s but no-one my age goes.
I tried the gym on and off for a few years, no-body talks to anyone they don’t know it’s all very serious.
Dance class: I went to 2-3 sessions. All couples and they left straight after the lesson.
Internet dating: Onto my 3rd dating site, so that’s 3 years. Really poor response rates and no meets.
I’ve gone to a social activities group which is failing through lack of support for 3-4 years.
I have looked at what’s going on in the paper, library, and local college and not seen anything I can get involved with.
What kind of things so you like? What about going to gigs? Book clubs, film clubs, craft nights? What about volunteering in different places like animal shelters or soup kitchens? Have you thought about going on a confidence course? Most local NHS' do one.
Hi Tom, it's understandable you feel so disheartened considering how many different options you've tried. It's really positive that you want to keep exploring your options though and try to make the best of your current location knowing that there's no easy answer.
It sounds like you struggle to make meaningful connections with people and this might be linked to anxiety or perhaps having too much expectation in relation to specific events. You mentioned there was a quiz through work the other day - how did that go? It would be interesting to know a bit more about your general approach to chatting with people.
Also, on the online dating side - have you ever shown others your profile for feedback? I also wondered if you focussed your efforts on a specific type of girl - and whether or not it might be worth approaching a wider range to challenge your expectations?
Looking to your past a little - at times in your life when you've been surrounded by people the same age with a greater likelihood of more similar life circumstances - e.g. at school, college or uni - how have you related to those people, felt about them and approached friendships? The reason I ask this is because the way we interact with people generally is really relevant to our success with making friends.
Really pleased that you've posted again about this as it's definitely worth persevering with.
When I started to volunteer I met some amazing people and friends, that I am close with now. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy?
Hope you start to feel better soon
I met one of my friends at the bus station. It happens
I have shown my online dating profile to other people for feedback we made changes, and it didn't make a difference. I was a bit shy/quiet at school and college. At uni I had my head down a lot, terrified of failing. I have since done a lot of work to be more social and self assured. Unfortunately I don't have the safety net associated with friends of old.
I think you've given your answer a lot of thought, it comes from a good place and I am grateful. I'm not a defeatist but there are some pretty big obstacles.
I also chat about the weather at a bus stop.
This.
How did you relate to people at school?
How do you choose the people that you want to be friends with
In the early years I'd hide away in the library at lunch not saying a lot. Later on I tried to be more social, I'd play football or basketball with the other lads.
I remember a girl at school asking if I'd take her to the school leaving party. I thought it was some way to mock me, I now believe it was a big mistake and saying yes could have done me the world of good.
I like people who show others respect and try to do the right thing. I like a bit of humor to make the conversation flow more freely. I think a lot of people including myself made friends organically with the people who were in their class at school. I didn't do as much as others and didn't keep in contact. Poor judgement on my part back then. I was happy to make friends with all different kinds of people.
I've bared my soul a bit telling you this.
If socialising is a struggle then maybe youd relate more to people who also are a bit more introverted. Maybe youre checking out the wrong places,
online is a good way to start
What kind of opportunities to meet people would you like? What would be your ideal situation?
Long story... still long, maybe a thing like that would be more appropriate. I could never imagine how many other adults had no friends and wanted them. Some people are shy, are socially awkward, they move, all of their friends move, maybe all of their friends have started having families and they don't, maybe work got to them and over the years they lost friends... no matter how it happens, a lot of grown up people don't have enough friends! I don't know what kind of websites are availabe in the UK for that kind of thing, but really, just look for a group of people who are looking for friends!
I just picked London, they have a group casual dinner for shy and lonely people, another group for shy people that says some meetups are deliberatly kept small to avoid issues, really, lots of shy or socially anxious related groups. There are several for board games, many animal related groups including wildlife watchers.
I said I was shy/socially awkard at school, not now.
I have tried Focus social activities group. I know Derby sociables is mentioned on meetup but I don't feel comfortable going to another group like that.
I don't think you should just brush things off because you've tried them before, I think you need to try things again. The bus network in the midlands is really really good, as are trains and trams (although not sure they've spread to Derby yet). Transport shouldn't be a problem
There are buses and trains into Nottigham I'm sure. I often go between Derby (Chaddesden) and Nottingham city centre, and then areas like Long Eaton, Sandiacre etc etc. on the bus.
I don't know about social groups etc, but Nottingham has some good night clubs and music venues. For smaller ones look at places like The Alley Cafe (near the city centre) The Maze, The Malt Cross.
There's a lot of really nice pubs, look at ones run by the castle rock brewery (e.g The Vat and Fiddle, Fox and Crown... there's loads)
Nottingham Library is massive, and has a lovely art gallery. Not the best place to meet people, but very nice all the same.
There's the Robin Hood festival which is normally in August, it's always a laugh and very friendly.
I really think you should look at using public transport to get to places maybe a little further out from where you are, the bus system in Derby/Nottingham is very good- the buses are normally lovely, and they go fairly often.
The Derby bus service gets a lot worse after 7pm. Now the Nottingham to Derby operator is different to the Arriva Derby ones so I cannot buy a ticket to accommodate both. With irregularity I’d end up standing waiting for an excessive amount of time too.
The buses definitely aren’t lovely I catch them nearly every day.