Recovery?

Former Member

Could be triggering, mentions lax, overdose, and hospitals.

Friday I ended up overdosing, I wanted everything to stop. From being told that I have Bulimia, to having to move on from Becki in 3 months, to being harassed and thrown hate at for no reason. I decided that there isn't a life for me. No one would notice. It's not like I even do anything! I ended up telling Denise, a worker where I am and she phoned crisis, and spoke to them and the out-of-hours GP, cos I told her I didn't want to talk to them. She sat with me til 2am because of the silly heart palpitations.

The night before today, I basically filled the loo up with bright red blood. Not being too bothered, and wanting to go back to sleep, I just plodded off to bed. Same happened in the morning, wasn't really bothered.

So I landed myself in hospital earlier. I had got the 5:45am train to see family, and the abdominal pain kicked in, moving to my back. I was in so much pain I wanted to cry, but kept it in.

From going to A&E earlier, they've told me I HAVE to stop taking laxatives. I'm totally freaking out. My stomach is swelled and if I carry on, I risk damaging basically everything. I had x-rays and blood tests - blood tests came back fine, but the x-ray showed the swelling around the bowel.

I just don't know what to do. The doctor prescribed me laxative which is basically a sachet. But he told me it won't work straight away, to which I was thinking: ''I'm not even going to bother getting them'', ''why is he trying to make me even fatter?'' Obviously I ended up in tears on my way home and proper ranted it out.

I don't think I can ever go through with recovery. I'm so petrified of putting on weight, that I've brought zumba back into my life with an hour a day. I just don't want to be this repulsive pig any more. I've never hated myself so much. It's not helping with a swollen stomach, I feel fatter and look fatter

I know I'm putting a lot of worry into friends, while they sit and watch me damage and hurt myself. And I know I'm probably burdening them, but I don't even know who I can talk to any more...

I really need to talk to Becki about everything. But I can't til like the 4th cos my phone network is down. ARGH.

I guess what I need to know is... is recovery even possible even though you hate yourself so much you'd rather be dead? Or do things have to get so bad that I sit and tell myself I need to change?

I've tried doing it for others, and only ever got so far and then gone back to old habits. I just want them to be proud of me

I just don't even know, needed to moan. Sorry.

Former Member

it's completely possible, but it's a lot of work. you need to see what has happened as a wake-up call. if you don't stop the lax then you'll have a colostomy bag if you're lucky and a heart attack if you're not, that is the reality of it. you need to make the decision to recover, to commit to it and to do it for yourself and your survival, not for your friends or anyone else. you will hate yourself and it will make you want to die, but you can work through those feelings and they will pass, and a lot of the people I know who have recovered have said that although recovery is hellish, it's worth it.

laxatives don't make you lose weight, you know that. stopping using them won't make you fat. You'll need to re-train your digestive system, which is why you've been prescribed something, but in the long term the difference to your weight will be minimal. it's the feeling empty that makes you feel better, and that is something that you need to talk about with your team.

recovery from an eating disorder is about realising that being healthy and alive is better than being skinny and dead. if you can see that then you're on the right track.

*hug*

Former Member

I was told I'll gain 5kg if I stop... I tried decreasing and was okay, then tried stopping and weight shot up and I freaked out... I guess if I talk about recovering, or even trying to with the next people I work with, maybe I can find more exercises and stuff I enjoy to replace the lax

It's so hard. I can't see the 'good' in recovering, cos I see that as getting fatter. I think I need to talk about it though, and see what can be done, if anything...

Thank you for the reply! *hug*

Former Member

a lot of that weight gain would be water and after a while it would settle down, the gain is just your body having a wtf moment. when it gets used to being fed and emptied normally it will adjust.

I really understand how you feel, but please don't live any more of your life on this, it's such a terrible waste and once the damage is done it's done. when I read your posts I feel a bit like you but five years on. the longer it goes on, the harder it gets and I so wish that I had made that choice to really change when I was your age. recovery isn't getting fatter, it's getting your life on track and looking after your body. it's allowing yourself to eat without guilt, and planning your day around more than just where the public toilets are. you have to work through the hard stuff but when you get there you'll never look back.
*hug*

Former Member

Yeah, I'd love not to think about looking into another toilet, and crying at what a fail I am. And I almost would love to be able to have a meal and not feel gross and not eat for days.

I guess once I'm settled with my new worker, I can talk to her about it (hopefully) I don't want to forever be like this, but I don't think I'm 100% ready for recovery.

*hug*

Former Member

*hug*
I am proud of you for going to the hospital hun, you should be proud of yourself too

Stay strong, you can get through this. You are doing amazing things for people, the bake sale, and raising all that money for charity. You are amazing person!

Your beautiful, I know how you feel though about the feeling of burdening your friends, I feel the same, but they care and only worry cos they care. That is something I have learnt quite recently.

I am always gonna be here for you, and I hope you know that

Recovery is possible, I know you may not feel good about recovery now, but that's okay, just take small steps for yourself, you WILL and CAN get through this.

Sorry for the lame response, I did write a better one, but I backspaced a few times and forgot what I written. Sorry lovely

*hug*

Former Member

I know, it's difficult being at home tbh, cos I'm constantly reminded of how fat I am.
Like sister came up to me and went ''look I'm not fatter then you'' (she stuffed a lode of animals down her pjs)

It's like I've read most people recover with support from their family, but what use have I got? I live alone, and don't really see the need to recover half the time. Even if I have the days I'll sit and cry about how much I hate this.

I guess I've just got to get on with it. I mean what doesn't kill us makes us stronger... right?

Former Member

I still say your beautiful

People recovery with help from their family, I don't and even though I have them around, they don't understand my mental health. But you have us on here, and you have your friends, we ALL care.

Always here if you need a chat

Former Member

aye... guess I'll stick to being how I am for now, I can't do it alone - seeing as I fail every time I even try!

but I'll be ready soon..

Former Member

Big hugs being sent your way<3

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Former Member

The big thing I noticed, and omg hi said it to, is you mention getting better for other people around you. You need to want to get better for you, and for no one else. Being stuck in the cycle of any kind of addiction is a catch 22. You try and change, fix things to a degree and feel good, but when you relapse you feel like all you've done is failed and end up feeling worse than before. When you are ready to try, if you relapse, don't see it as such a failure.

Fact is, you say you've tried, and you will try again. That is all anyone can ask of you. Trying shows that deep inside you want to get better, whether it's for you or anyone else. That's half the battle. And as for doing it alone, not many can. You need to have a network of support. Having a buddy often helps too. I haven't had an eating disorder but I used to be addicted to drugs, and ultimately the thing that led to me stopping was conpletely removing myself from the situation and the triggers that caused me to relapse. I was doing 10-16 pills twice on a weekend and ketamine throughout the week, but I was good friends with a dealer. I ended up moving away from Manchester, away from all those who I thought were friends. None of those frienda bother to keep in touch now. I realised the biggest thing I had in common with them was drugs, but at the time I didn't see it. My point is, if your sister has said things like that then you need to either learn to ignore it or remove her from the situation entirely and not see her, at least for now. Your other option is to get her to realise what it's doing to you. Any sister that cared for you wouldn't be taking that attitude unless they were ignorant to the pain and trouble it causes you.

I know you said you'll be ready soon, just remember the cycle won't go away until you get the plan in place to sort things. It's easy for me to write these words when I don't have a big understanding holistically of your situation but from what I have read this is the best I can suggest. Well done for going to A & E. That wad a very clever move. I know you may not want to hear this but have you considered rehabilitation? It's a scay prospect but one of the reasons they are so successful is you remove yourself entirely from the situation that can be contributing to the problem. Big hugs