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Any help welcomed

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

Just found this site and having a bad time at the moment. I think my relationship can't be fixed, had a big arguement a couple of nights ago and she has walked out. Saw her for 10mins this morning as she needed to pick some things up. Our rows are always about family, i have 2 kids who stay with us for half the week and also have a brother & sis-in-law living with us at the moment as they have moved back to our area. We have had other family members stay with us in the past as well.
She didn't say too much this morning apart from that I made it clear that it wasn't her home during our last row. I know I said a couple of things in the heat of the moment and so did she but I want to sort this out. We are engaged and she has been trying wedding dresses on and were planning the big day for may 2015 so we could save the money. I realise that she is the one that has had to deal with a lot from me because of my kids and family.
She has agreed to meet me on sunday but not sure what I can do to make things right. She has gone to stay at a mates house but they aren't there so she isn't happy that she will be on your own. I was thinking of seeing if she wants to meet tomorrow but then I think maybe I sure leave it till sunday......

I have been writing things down as I think about them, not sure if I will show her or not.

If anyone has advice on what I could do, that would be great


  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think an important thing to try, would be to put yourself in her shoes and see how she might feel. It's likely that she might be feeling quite stressed out about the home situation, especially if she finds it difficult to spend time together with you, when it is just you and your partner (and not anyone else). Especially if you say things like "it's not her home" she could be feeling very lost and abandoned.

    It might be best to let the situation cool down between the pair of you, before you try building bridges again. Otherwise you run the real risk of trying to sort things out but just getting into another argument.

    Writing things down is a very good thing to do, even if you never show those things to your partner. I find that writing things down often helps me clear my head and calm myself down if I'm a little angry or confused about what to do sometimes. Forming words and solidifying the thoughts madly swirling around your head can be quite good.

    Take time to let things cool down If you are going to say something to her, then imagine how you would feel if you were in her shoes, and you were being told the same things. Finally, be open and understanding and be prepared to compromise if needs be, relationships are about give and take, trust and understanding, and most of all be open. It is obvious you care about your partner, so be prepared to work to keep her :)

    I hope this helps, and there are always others around if you want or need to discuss things further,.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think G-Raffe pretty much covered it really. Realise that building bridges may take time and just make sure you are as open and honest as possible and work at fixing this together.

    It might be worth considering, when you are trying to put yourself in her shoes, what may help the situation for her. Is there anything that may make her feel like more of an equal partner around the home, that you could offer her? Also, do you feel that some of the upset is a lack of quality time between the two of you, and if so, could you offer her options for more? Even if it costs a small amount of money every now and then, you could perhaps book the odd night in a hotel or weekend away for some strictly 'you' time. Or perhaps see if the in-laws staying with you could offer to babysit for the odd night if your children are over, so you can go out for meals and just do couple-y things?

    Show you are thinking ahead and willing to adapt and change and that is half the battle. She might worry that returning will just result in the same old situation again, so show her it won't, and mean it.

    Writing down how you feel is a great method of sorting through things. If you feel this is a good way of expressing yourself then perhaps you could consolidate some of your ideas in a letter for her to read?
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