Head is a mess

Former Member

I really didn't want to post about this, as I feel like I just go round and round in circles, always asking for advice but then being reluctant to take it, or saying it doesn't apply to me because X, Y or Z.... So feel free not to give advice but just a hug or something. I dunno really, I just needed to write this somewhere and here seems to be ok

I posted yesterday about feeling unwell again. I am going through a stage of "what is the point" to "wow I can achieve this and this and this and do this too!" I am closer to the former at the moment. I am scared, this is not like me. I have bouts of (undiagnosed) depression followed by being relatively "good". I have had a long time of being relatively "good". Now I am not so fine.

I woke up early today in a panic. I felt sick and shaky. My head hurts. I took two migraine tablets in case it was that but it's still just as bad. I feel on edge. I want to run away.

I know what the trigger is, a continuously very stressful work environment. I hate that place now, I hate all the promises that get made about how we will improve and then the workload will get more manageable and we will do this and this and that and nothing ever happens. I hate how they imply you are a valuable team member but then their actions speak louder than words. I am sick of always asking my manager about it. I am sick of waking up dreading going to work. I hate the control it has over my life (with expected overtime at weekends on an as needed basis. I.e 90% of weekends I have to go in for a bit). Bye bye life and visiting friends and family who d not live here.

I am trying to get out of there- I have applied for a scheme that will take me to what I love doing but that can take months to hear back and there is no guarantee I will be successful. I am not thinking about what happens if I am not successful. This is one reason I can't go to the GP or whatever as I have ticked the box that says I don't have mental health issues... well, I haven't been diagnosed, only you guys and one or two people I have met along the way know a bit. That's for times like that

Anyway I am so scared about what is happening to me, and the worst is I know the trigger and I know it is the working environment but I can't leave work yet as I will have no where to go and nothing to do.

I feel a bit less panicked just writing that. My head is a mess again.

Former Member

Hi purpledhaze

Well done for posting that, especially as you say you felt a bit unsure about starting the thread... I think many people will connect with the idea that they go round and round in circles. While it really helps to talk and get advice, sadly it often takes more than that to really feel like you've sorted a problem out, so please don't worry about asking for advice regularly.

Your work situation sounds like it's really getting you down *hug* It's good that you can identify what's triggering your moods to change, but not so great that you're dreading going into work and not getting the respect you deserve there. It sounds like your employers know that things aren't great there - have you had the opportunity to talk to them directly about this? Perhaps you could try and agree some proper terms, such as having one weekend a month where you will definitely get the weekend off?

Ultimately though, it sounds like you'd be happier if you didn't work there anymore. It's really positive that you've applied for something you really care about, but as this may take a while to hear back from, maybe you could look into other jobs that would be a bridge until you find something you really want? Finding something less stressful and with fewer hours might really help you to feel better.

You say that you're worried about talking to your doctor for confidentiality reasons, so I thought these articles might help you - they explain how confidentiality works in healthcare:

Understanding confidentiality - this is about self-harm but a lot of the principles are the same

Q&A about workplace confidentialty

How to talk to your GP

If you still feel like talking to your GP isn't an option then maybe calling a helpline would be a good place to start? They'll be able to offer you emotional support and understanding and it will be completely anonymous.

Sane run a really good helpline - Tel: 0845 767 8000

I really hope some of this helps and that you can find a way to a better work environment soon.
Take care
Spanner

Former Member

spanner wrote: »

Perhaps you could try and agree some proper terms, such as having one weekend a month where you will definitely get the weekend off?

I like that idea, I have approached the subject before but not asking for one weekend a month specifically. That may be easier to manage if they can get it off the ground. I really don't care what they do anymore, as long as it gives me some weekends free to just catch up and visit people and maybe even chill out.

spanner wrote: »

Ultimately though, it sounds like you'd be happier if you didn't work there anymore. It's really positive that you've applied for something you really care about, but as this may take a while to hear back from, maybe you could look into other jobs that would be a bridge until you find something you really want? Finding something less stressful and with fewer hours might really help you to feel better.

Yep, that sums it up. I didn't think of searching for a new job to bridge the gap. For some reason I just automatically assumed I would have to put up with it until I leave hopefully in about 3 or 4 months! If I could leave sooner and still pay the bills... well that'd be great! I shall look into part time, temp job near to me, and see what is out there.

I shall look at the links in a bit too.

Thank you. That was a great reply, very useful

Former Member

Glad it was helpful :thumb:
That's really positive that you're going to search for some other jobs in the meantime... let us know how you get on and good luck!

Former Member

I can't find any that are only for a few months and easy to get to. I don't own a car so it has to be cycling, walking or bus distance. I guess i will have to hang in there.

It's not going to be easy. I almost broke down in front of my boss again today.

I don't see a way out for at least three or four months. That is a long time. What if I am not strong enough?

Edit: Sudden thought... what if I am not strong enough for my back up plan? I really want to do it, like really, really, since I was little. I know it will be a culture shock. I think I can deal with it. But what if I am not able too?

Former Member

Hey
Just wanted to say 'hang in there' and things will get better. It's hard to find the perfect thing overnight but keep looking and some other suitable jobs might come up.
In terms of knowing whether you're strong enough for your back-up plan, I'd say take one day at a time and try not to think too far into the future - things have a way of becoming clear as you go.
Have you managed to talk to your employer about improving your working conditions?

Former Member

What's the point. I just keep encountering brick wall after brick wall after brick wall from my plan to get out of my job and do what I have always wanted to do. It's a crap system which is stupid because it is a major website (deals with immigration to their country). Everything seems to be either out of date or contradicting another section of the website. The website keeps crashing. Contacting a human with a question is a miracle. It's a battle to get anywhere and my mental health is suffering again.

Why am I even bothering? (except I have always wanted to do it, and I have got so far through the stupid crazy system already), but this seems like a mountain now.

I just want to get out of my job and do something "fun" and definitely more interesting and less "stuck in a rut". I knew it wouldn't be easy but this is impossible. :crying:

Edit: I did talk to them, they make promises. Nothing changes.