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Can it get worst? Eating problemmms
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've just realised the extent to where my eating patterns have come to, and to be fair I'm shocked but still feel it's normal.
I've prioritised laxatives over food, they come first, food isn't needed. Even when I have nothing in the cupboards, and have around 10£ to last me a week, I'll get the laxatives first. When I do go food shopping, I tend to pick up celery and ryvita. Then I'll stick to that day in day out. What ever I eat, I'll end up purging, then go days without food. I stood in the shop a few days ago, telling myself I need to get diuretics when I get paid, that's planned for next week. They're meant to help stop bloatness, apparently.
I've been walking a hell of a lot more, and because there's not much exercise I can do at home, I've been phoning up and looking for groups to join.
If I manage to eat, and keep it down, I'll instantly look 30lbs fatter than I already am, and I hate myself more and more for it. I've got to act normal when I'm around others though, and it's hard when you've got to plan how you're going to get through etc.
I've sorta told Becki how I've dropped.. but I ended up changing the conversation... I just don't see any worth in telling her.
Sorry...
I've prioritised laxatives over food, they come first, food isn't needed. Even when I have nothing in the cupboards, and have around 10£ to last me a week, I'll get the laxatives first. When I do go food shopping, I tend to pick up celery and ryvita. Then I'll stick to that day in day out. What ever I eat, I'll end up purging, then go days without food. I stood in the shop a few days ago, telling myself I need to get diuretics when I get paid, that's planned for next week. They're meant to help stop bloatness, apparently.
I've been walking a hell of a lot more, and because there's not much exercise I can do at home, I've been phoning up and looking for groups to join.
If I manage to eat, and keep it down, I'll instantly look 30lbs fatter than I already am, and I hate myself more and more for it. I've got to act normal when I'm around others though, and it's hard when you've got to plan how you're going to get through etc.
I've sorta told Becki how I've dropped.. but I ended up changing the conversation... I just don't see any worth in telling her.
Sorry...
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speaking as someone with an eating disorder, id say youre on very dangerous territory and really really need to speak to someone as a matter of urgency
My ED has phases where i dont do it very much, to times when it completely takes over my life and i feel like i cant think about anything else and take it to dangerous levels, and I think you are suffering really badly and you dont have to FEEL like this. This isnt the real you.
Can you please call someone and try and get an assessment
http://www.mhsc.nhs.uk/services/specialist-services/eating-disorder-service.aspx
http://www.gmw.nhs.uk/services-e/eatingdisorderservice.html
i agree. obviously we don't know whether it is the case, but if you do feel that you have the tiniest amount of power to fight back against the things in your head telling you to purge and restrict then you have to use it. i'm guessing that you don't feel that you have a choice in any of this or that you can't stop it, but the fact that you have recognised that it is bad suggests that there is something inside you that wants to change. you need to hold on to that.
the lax abuse is particularly worrying. i won't go into it because it's grim, but i wish so badly that i had never got into the state i'm in with them because they have done some awful and probably irreversible damage to my body but i'm scared to find out what that damage is. i'm so frightened about the consequences of my eating disorder, but not enough to change and not enough to stop. if you feel in even the tiniest way that you want to change then please, do it now before it gets even worse. i try not to think about the future because it scares me so much. i've got a friend who has spent the last ten years in and out of hospital with shockingly serious anorexia and at the moment she's being restrained and tube fed. it's no life, not for anyone. it is worth telling becki because she can help you do something now before it gets any worse. it is bad and it is serious.
for what it's worth, diuretics will just make you wee. or if you take too many, make you throw up water. if you really are bloated it's probably because your tummy is swollen from the purging, and diuretics won't fix that.
you're not on your own
*hug*
It's like this time, it's not going to get better, that I won't be able to stop it.
I have an appointment on Tuesday, Suzy, a bazillion blood tests and another ECG. I don't see why they do it, I tend to have a banana before I go for the sakes I normally pass the blood tests by then.
Hmm, fighting back is harder, I lay in bed and I have to exercise, or I have to go and purge even if there's nothing coming up, just to feel less 'fat'. It's horrible but I can't stop
*hug*
What goes through your mind when you eat something?
I never found bulimia to be a very good way of actually controlling weight, even though at the time, thats what youre trying to get control of. If anything it just keeps your weight at the forefront of your mind. Fucks around with blood sugars. Makes you crave stuff that you wouldnt crave if your blood sugar was stable, and any weight loss tends to be minimal.
Its more about self punishment than about weight loss in my experience.
Yeah, that's why I tend to not have anything high calorie in the flat, I basically have celery and cucumber in the fridge, and that's all I have.
Guess the weightloss differs, I lost a lot then it stayed stable and goes up and down a lb every now and then, which makes me feel shit when it goes up.
When you say you look bigger after eating - so did I when i was at my lowest weight, because i was so thin, my food showed in my belly and because i was obsessed about it. Noone else noticed.
Part of the problem is why you feel you cant look like you have eaten or why you think its so negative to look like you eat sometimes.
If all you are eating is celery and cucumber then your body will do everything it can to force you to fail in your efforts. Your body needs you to eat. Its not because it wants you to be fat. Its because it wants to work and because it doesnt want multiple organ failure.
You are setting yourself up for a cycle of failure and self hatred. This is a battle you cant win. That isnt a challenge, thats a fact. You need to find other ways to feel in control of yourself and like yourself, and nobody should have to live their life judging their entire worth by whether a number on a scale is one less or one higher than it was earlier, or whether your tummy is slightly more rounded since you had a bowl of cereal than it was before.
You can eat lightly and be healthy and slim and happy. You cannot starve yourself and binge and purge and be healthy and happy.
Mmm, I don't like looking bigger. I had a proper meal, for the sakes I thought it would help the headache I had for 5 days, then after eating I looked in the mirror, and the got rid of it. It's horrible, especially when you basically live by the toilet
I'm not slim though, I'm probably more of a whale type person. I can't see away of even getting out of this cycle, I try and a fail and then feel like there's no point. I've been doing it for nearly 2 years, and I guess it feels somewhat normal to me in so many ways
They call all stuff their faces and never put weight on.
Whereas I've always been the bigger one, always been the one that's been taken the piss out of. In some ways, I want to show them I can and will be thin, that way they won't call me fat, and they can't pick on me for that...
I guess I'm just being stupid.
Do you think they realise how it makes you feel?
I remember visiting my Grandma and she turned around and went ''You look thinner, I'm glad you stopped doing your pathetic things'' even though I still was.
Then I told my mum ages ago that the doctor apparently referred me to the ED Team and she turned around and went ''You don't need that, you're fine''
It's no wonder I won't talk to them about it, or even think about how far it's gotten. It's harder to hide when I'm at home, and I have to pretend I have the sickness bug. As much as I explain to them, they'll never understand.
Theres quite a few of us on here who have been through it and are still going through it, so you know youve always got here for support.
Its really tough to get past abuse from your family. Probably one of the hardest things. They are the people who are supposed to nurture you and give you your self esteem, so when they do the opposite, it can feel so much worse than if some random says things. Its going to take strength from inside of you to get through it if you cant rely on them. I guess sometimes its probably even tempting to get worse to spite them and to show them what theyve done, but itll be you who hurts from this most of all
Yup, I've always told myself ''I'll show you'' and the thoughts like that. But then it's like ''what's the point any more?'' there's so many thoughts involved, I get lost in this whirlpool of them.
I hope you dont spend your whole life feeling like youve got to be this perfect small size and hatred for yourself when you cant acheive it.
I bet you dont judge other people half as harshly as youre judging yourself.
I'll get through, well I hope I do anyhow!
Thank you for your support!
What you did was brave. I'm impressed. I cry when I talk about myself honestly in front of my doctor too, so it's not unusual and it's not pathetic, though I also feel pathetic so I understand.
You've got some hard work ahead of you, but hopefully now you can get some proper good help for getting better.
I don't know where to start, I guess I won't know until I see Becki and what she says.
I didn't really sleep well because Picc was a bit sicky last night, so my brain has stopped. But I think what I mean is, I'd like you to be better, I don't know how that works, but you've done good asking people who do.
Huzzah for Sophie!