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don't know how to cope - trigger warning
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
right now I'm forcing loud happy music in my ears, but it's not working.
I can't stop crying since my counselling session on wednesday evening. I finally brought up my ex-boyfriend, which is a pathetic reason to want to harm myself I know, but there were a lot of issues involved and I can't cope with the unbelievable guilt I feel, and I keep having flash-backs to times where I said the wrong thing or the absolute worst thing or I said something ok but it wasn't nearly good enough
I just want to die. I don't deserve to live or be happy, knowing that I said stuff that hurt his self-esteem and at times triggered his own suicidal thoughts, when I loved him more than anything and now I know how much this hurt (I'd had depression before but nothing compared to this), I can't cope. And I never meant to hurt him in any way, but he was in such a delicate state, similar to how I am now, and I suppose my hypersensitivity wasn't in sync with his.
he got loads better while i was still dating him and now he has a great life with loads of friends who think he's hilarious, and I'm just completely alone, same as always. But he never forgave me and when I asked him why he dumped me he said that I was too angry, immature, etc. all these really hurtful things and he blocked all contact from me. I can't believe how I let it get like that. I absolutely despise myself. I had a chance to be happy and I blew it.
the main goal I have in my future is to have a happy relationship and have children, but after that experience I'm never going to let myself go out with someone if I'm remotely depressed, suicidal or even just have some simple self esteem issues. And I don't see myself ever freeing myself from the low self esteem, which meant I got hurt by his 'banter' and negative comments about me which made me angry towards him
I'm supposed to be doing a load of revision and normally I'd appreciate the lovely weather like this but I can't stop thinking about how much I need to die.
I have four months worth of concentrated grass pollen, of which I'm supposed to take one daily to improve my tolerance to it so my allergy goes away. It's so tempting though because I think if I took enough I might have an anaphylactic shock or at least block my airways, and I'm too proud to ask my mum to hide it from me, but it's sooo tempting :shocking: the only thing I can do is keep taking one a day to gradually hopefully increase my tolerance so it can't kill me
I can't talk to a 'friend' because they don't understand, I regret letting them know I have depression, because they still say hurtful things to me regardless, I feel that they don't believe me, and they all have anxiety too so I can't really inflict anything like this on them. I know I should tell them that their 'banter' actually really hurts me and that it's dangerous to hurt me, but that'll just make them feel bad about themselves. Why do these problems have to exist???!!
similarly I can't see how i could tell my mum because I've already put her through so much in the past six months. And she thinks I'm better because I have been making loads of progress until two weeks ago.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not depressed at all, just a normal happy person, but the suicidal thoughts remain, it's really weird, and makes me think I'm not going to make it to university.
I hate myself for wanting to do something so selfish too, but I know it's the only way he'll realise how sorry I really am. I wish he would talk to me and I wish he could forgive me. :crying:
I can't really face ringing samaritans
I havent' managed to tell my counsellor that I'm suicidal yet either... I don;t know what he'll do, I don't want my doctor to know because if I get a mental health record I won't get a job (I want to be a lawyer) and he thinks I'm making progress, I don't want to let that down.
I'm not going to end it because I don't want to ruin my mum's life and destroy my friends' chances of passing their A levels, but I can't live in this rut where I'm not literally ending it but I'm basically destroying my future, just crying rather than revising
actually just writing this has made me feel a lot better. I think I'm gonna get some food.
I can't stop crying since my counselling session on wednesday evening. I finally brought up my ex-boyfriend, which is a pathetic reason to want to harm myself I know, but there were a lot of issues involved and I can't cope with the unbelievable guilt I feel, and I keep having flash-backs to times where I said the wrong thing or the absolute worst thing or I said something ok but it wasn't nearly good enough
I just want to die. I don't deserve to live or be happy, knowing that I said stuff that hurt his self-esteem and at times triggered his own suicidal thoughts, when I loved him more than anything and now I know how much this hurt (I'd had depression before but nothing compared to this), I can't cope. And I never meant to hurt him in any way, but he was in such a delicate state, similar to how I am now, and I suppose my hypersensitivity wasn't in sync with his.
he got loads better while i was still dating him and now he has a great life with loads of friends who think he's hilarious, and I'm just completely alone, same as always. But he never forgave me and when I asked him why he dumped me he said that I was too angry, immature, etc. all these really hurtful things and he blocked all contact from me. I can't believe how I let it get like that. I absolutely despise myself. I had a chance to be happy and I blew it.
the main goal I have in my future is to have a happy relationship and have children, but after that experience I'm never going to let myself go out with someone if I'm remotely depressed, suicidal or even just have some simple self esteem issues. And I don't see myself ever freeing myself from the low self esteem, which meant I got hurt by his 'banter' and negative comments about me which made me angry towards him
I'm supposed to be doing a load of revision and normally I'd appreciate the lovely weather like this but I can't stop thinking about how much I need to die.
I have four months worth of concentrated grass pollen, of which I'm supposed to take one daily to improve my tolerance to it so my allergy goes away. It's so tempting though because I think if I took enough I might have an anaphylactic shock or at least block my airways, and I'm too proud to ask my mum to hide it from me, but it's sooo tempting :shocking: the only thing I can do is keep taking one a day to gradually hopefully increase my tolerance so it can't kill me
I can't talk to a 'friend' because they don't understand, I regret letting them know I have depression, because they still say hurtful things to me regardless, I feel that they don't believe me, and they all have anxiety too so I can't really inflict anything like this on them. I know I should tell them that their 'banter' actually really hurts me and that it's dangerous to hurt me, but that'll just make them feel bad about themselves. Why do these problems have to exist???!!
similarly I can't see how i could tell my mum because I've already put her through so much in the past six months. And she thinks I'm better because I have been making loads of progress until two weeks ago.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not depressed at all, just a normal happy person, but the suicidal thoughts remain, it's really weird, and makes me think I'm not going to make it to university.
I hate myself for wanting to do something so selfish too, but I know it's the only way he'll realise how sorry I really am. I wish he would talk to me and I wish he could forgive me. :crying:
I can't really face ringing samaritans
I havent' managed to tell my counsellor that I'm suicidal yet either... I don;t know what he'll do, I don't want my doctor to know because if I get a mental health record I won't get a job (I want to be a lawyer) and he thinks I'm making progress, I don't want to let that down.
I'm not going to end it because I don't want to ruin my mum's life and destroy my friends' chances of passing their A levels, but I can't live in this rut where I'm not literally ending it but I'm basically destroying my future, just crying rather than revising
actually just writing this has made me feel a lot better. I think I'm gonna get some food.
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Comments
I'm sorry to hear how low you're feeling, and how alone you seem to be too.
It seems like splitting up with your ex-boyfriend has given you a real knock and that you're looking back on the things that went wrong in the relationship a lot. This is perfectly normal, but it's important that you find a way to learn from your mistakes in that relationship so that you can move on.
Just because you made those mistakes before, it doesn't mean you will again. Relationships are complicated things - while you may feel like splitting up was a failure on your part there are always two people in every relationship. The good thing is that you're aware of the mistakes you made, and the fact that you feel bad about them means you're less likely to do the same in future.
It's good that you're having counselling. It can be hard to really open up in counselling, but try to remember that's what they're there for - to listen and help you through your feelings. Do you think you could set yourself a mini-goal each time and aim to tell them more bit by bit?
I know you said you don't feel able to call Samaritans - did you know they have an email service too? They will listen to you without judging and it could be just what you need to talk without being judged:
email: jo@samaritans.org
Keep posting here. Big hugs to you *hug*
yeah I would definitely try my best not to do that again if I get another relationship, but that won't be for a long time. I think it was particularly bad this week because wednesday was his birthday and I'm one of those people who remember dates.
ok, should I keep a diary or something for things to tell? I don't think I'll be able to talk about the suicidal thoughts for now though.
Is it normal to get so upset after things that you bring up in a session? Because before I went to talk to him on Wednesday I was super happy and having a great day. Should I have saved the negative feelings I felt earlier in the week for the next week so as not to ruin my mood?
He puts a lot of blame on my exam pressures with regard to my condition, and basically tells me I should stop aiming for my predicted grades and I shouldn't really revise much, but I cannot see how this would help as my grades would fall and then I would be even less happy with myself, and I really don't feel like there is much pressure on me at all, contrary to what he thinks. He seems to base most of this on what a previous patient who saw him and came from my school said, but I can't say I'm facing the same pressures she was. I don't really link my depression to my academic pressures, more to social disappointments and family problems.
He suggests I revise less and party more, which I really want to do and was a main reason why I initially started to hate myself because I couldn't go out like I wanted as none of my friends want to and I always get stood up, so just hearing that makes me sad too. Should I tell him that?
ok, I'll keep that in mind when I feel like that again! thank you!
I think it's quite common to feel a change of mood after counselling. It can be very emotional and draining to explore our true feelings so it's likely to leave you feeling a bit exhausted and deflated.
You might find it useful to read our guide to opening up to a counsellor - it covers things like "I find it hard to talk" and "I'm worried the counsellor will judge me" and gives advice from other young people who have had counselling. Reading their accounts may help you. We also have a counselling FAQ which might be worth a read too.