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Looking for a friend or two I can hang out with, also possible ways of finding a date

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm 30 & been single for some time. I live with my family, and there's often trouble at home. I would like some guidance as I feel incredibly lonely.

I used to work friday-saturday nights part time, I've now left that job for a temp monday-friday role in an office for a few months. I want to go out, socialise and meet new people but I have no-one to go with. I've tried online dating, dance classes, the gym, social activitiy groups and a karate class but none of it has worked out. I feel dispondent. Can you offer me some help?

I have done charity work, and tried therapy too. I'm not in the right position to move. I've tried retraining at college (it didn't work out) and was at Uni before.
If you've got any ideas I'd be very grateful.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Tom, same boat here. I moved after uni and haven't made friends since really also tried the clubs and hobbies and just never connected with anyone - age gap was often significant with me being 25 and a lot of the groups seeming to be 50+ year old.

    Where do you live if you don't mind me asking?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Finding people my age has been difficult

    I live in a small city in the East Midlands.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Tom,

    Glad you started this thread as we only briefly got to talk in chat last week! :)

    It must be difficult trying to socialise whilst balancing work and problems at home - I admire your efforts in trying internet dating and karate!

    When you say you've tried things and they didn't work, do you mean you didn't meet people you had things in common with, or that it didn't result in friendships? I guess those are the two sort of obstacles; meeting people you actually get on with, and then building a relationship with them (both can be pretty difficult!).

    I'm interested to find out more about your charity work, you said you did some volunteering, what did you do? Volunteering is a great way to meet a load of different people, and if it's something you commit to regularly they can become friendships. It's usually an easy way to meet people you have shared interests with.

    I don't know if you'd have time to volunteer alongside your new job... How are you getting on there?

    H :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,

    I don't know what it is like in your area but have you tried a website such as meetup.com? I have used it a few times as I moved to the town I am in currently not knowing anyone. People on here are generally in (or have been in) the same boat.
    For example, you can join a "general" group- say I wanted to go to the cinema, or the pub, or a walk, or a day trip etc etc you can create an event and chances are you'll get a handful of people who are interested in joining you.

    Or you can join a more specific group- ie there is one near me just for meeting people to play 5 a side football with, or just for dog walkers, or just a group that is German speaking. Literally everything goes.

    I'm not sure it's quite so happening all over the country, but you may be lucky. Is this the sort of thing you want? Obviously, you are meeting people from the internet so follow all the rules such as meeting in a public place etc!

    Alternatively, local libraries sometimes have a board advertising local groups and activities.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im having the exact same problems as you right now. Im finding people are generally quite selfish now, doing things only when it suits them so if i ask friends out they'd rather wait for a better offer before confirming anything with me.

    Making new friends, as a guy, is extreamly hard. People are either in groups so its impossible to sort of join in if you don't know them or they are in places by themselves where they are not even looking to make friends or chat.

    Even if i was in a pub i wouldn't know how to start a conversation with a total stranger. I'd be fine if i was introduced to someone or we were put together for some reason but if i saw a person at the bar i wouldn't know those first few lines to get talking.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Finding people my age, or that have something in common with me is hard.

    I've volunteered for years till taking my current temp job. I've offered people advice on the voluntary sector. It's not something I have the time to re-visit. Yes there will be things I could try volunteer in, but not things that will help me make friends.

    My new job has no social side and I don't know how long I'll be there. It's a wage, but I'm not passionate about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't find much choice on Meetup. Nothing that fits the bill, very little I can take part in. The librarys a waste of time, been there, done that.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    Tom82 wrote: »
    Finding people my age, or that have something in common with me is hard.

    I've volunteered for years till taking my current temp job. I've offered people advice on the voluntary sector. It's not something I have the time to re-visit. Yes there will be things I could try volunteer in, but not things that will help me make friends.

    My new job has no social side and I don't know how long I'll be there. It's a wage, but I'm not passionate about it.

    Hey Tom, I'm sorry to see you're still feeling so frustrated and trapped in your current situation.

    I'm interested in this idea of time - you say you haven't got 'time' to revisit things - but I'm just wondering what you're basing your deadline on? I might be wrong, but it sounds as if you've created deadlines in your head that are perhaps holding you back? The feeling that time is slipping away is a common one and I can see how it happens. I'm just wondering if time wasn't an issue in your head (you felt like you had all the time in the world) how would you approach this?

    In terms of looking for people who have something in common - I'm just wondering what it is you're looking for to have in common? I know you feel lonely and isolated - I'm just wondering what kind of people you're looking to get to know who you feel would improve things - for instance:

    What would be their priorities in life?
    What kinds of activities would they want to do on a regular basis?

    Also, tell me if I imagined this, but did you say before there are a couple of younger people at your work (was it girls?) who there is potential to connect with?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tom82 wrote: »
    Finding people my age, or that have something in common with me is hard.

    I've volunteered for years till taking my current temp job. I've offered people advice on the voluntary sector. It's not something I have the time to re-visit. Yes there will be things I could try volunteer in, but not things that will help me make friends.

    My new job has no social side and I don't know how long I'll be there. It's a wage, but I'm not passionate about it.

    I've found the same thing Tom - at least we have something in common, that we seem to find it difficult to have things in common with other people! One of the big boundaries for me as NeoNero touched upon is that everyone has their friendship circle set up how they like it after early twenties. Most people don't have space in their lives for new friends, even if they don't mind being friendly with them.
    Tom82 wrote: »
    I didn't find much choice on Meetup. Nothing that fits the bill, very little I can take part in. The librarys a waste of time, been there, done that.

    I can really echo this experience. Have you tried starting a group? Someone tried started a 20-something group in my area, it didn't go down amazingly well in all honesty. We got three signups in 2 months, and then on the day of the first meetup nobody could make it.

    For advice going forward, its difficult to know what to suggest. Particularly for young but not very young guys, there does seem to be a problem connecting with new friends. The internet can be a great place to forge new friendships - an internet friendship is better than no friendship, and it could lead to something.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    Really good point about online friendships Shyboy - I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the groom's best man and most of his friends were guys he'd met through online gaming who then started meeting up. They weren't from the same part of the country, but they enjoyed each other's company enough to meet up on a regular basis in each other's towns.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank-you, I do feel times slipping away fast but there is no deadline. I don't remember the line 'i don't have time to re-visit things' but I have given a reasonable amount of my time to previous efforts to know whether they have any positives or not.

    It's always difficult to try and sum up what your looking to get from a potential friend or partner. I would like someone friendly, supportive, someone who would like to share interests.

    In the site chat I mentioned seeing a few girls working in my building when I started my job , but I've realised there is no opportunity to talk to them, make friends, or otherwise.

    I don't think the internet is a great way to make friends to meet offline. It is good for keeping in touch e.g. through facebook.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Loneliness is horrible. It's something I'm dealing with having just moved into a new area on my own.

    So people never go out at your work? They never go to the pub to socialise? Maybe you could suggest something?

    Joining the gym helped a little bit for me. Although I don't really have any friends as such lol. Just hanging around there long enough does lead to hellos, and small conversation. Which is better than sitting in my room all day! I think it's about keeping busy and trying to be around people. Do you find this? When I get depressed I don't want to see anyone and that just esculates the feelings of loneliness and more proof no-one did care in the first place! Not letting loneliness hold you back is the big challenge.

    Keep active, keep trying. Perhaps if you get a bit more settled in your job that will lead to friendships. It's awkward being new.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    People from work do not seem to go to the pub for socials very often. when I went to the gym over a year ago, noone talked to anyone.
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